Olga

Dear Aunt Noni,
I miss you so much.
I wish
I wouldn't
have taken
your presence
for granted.
I miss seeing you.
Your commanding presence,
holding court in your restaurants.
I love you so much.
Cleaning your houses with you,
you always worked so hard,
and showed me how to do the same.
The way you got up at five a.m everyday,
doing your books,
getting dressed in business clothes,
beautiful jewelry and hair,
stunning nails.
It's hard to describe you,
in this way.
But I know,
I don't ever want to lose
a single memory of you.
I loved when
you would cook spaghetti for us,
at your cabin.
I could see you were happy,
when you were in love,
and the love you carried inside
always showed for us.
You spoiled us ridiculously,
even though our parents
hated it.
I am so proud of you,
and what you were.
I am happy,
that I got to be your niece.
Your energy is missed,
here on Earth,
by me.
I hope that you are happy,
wherever you are,
and that someday,
I will get to see you again.

New Year Resolution Update

My New Year's resolution for 2015 was to live my life free of expectations. When I made the resolution my intention was positive, even though it sounds very negative when you say it out loud. The purpose of the resolution was to help free my mind of any preconceived notions.  Mainly, because I was finding more and more often that if something, anything, didn't go the way that I had envisioned it to go in my mind, even before the event occurred, I would sometimes become very disappointed, or angry, or upset. It just was not cosmically possible for things to happen the way I intended them to go all of the time, and more often than not I was allowing it to steal my joy from situations. The tipping point was New Years Eve 2015, Andy and I were invited to a party at a new coworkers house. When we arrived, and it became very clear as the night wore on,that we were going to be the only other party goers with my very attractive, single, female coworker. I was also the only one not drinking among the three of us that night. As the night wore on my jealousies and insecurities were raging inside. I got so mad when Andy didn't "kiss me the way I wanted to be kissed at midnight." I am laughing at my own ridiculousness now, but at the time the upset was real. The holiday had been partly ruined, in my mind.  Of course that wasn't true. I actually had a pleasant time, and I would have had an even better time if I hadn't let my preconceived notions and other jack ass emotions control my mind.  Looking back on things now, I think that everything happened the way it did for a reason.  I decided the next day that I was going to try to do something different so that situations such as this would be no more.

So, for the last year I have been making a conscience effort to just let things happen. I have tried to not make movies in my mind before attending parties, going to work, or spending time with friends or loved ones. At first, it was harder to let go of the crazy notions my mind was creating all of the time. It seems the mind wants to explore the worst, instead of the best possible outcomes most of the time. I rarely find myself thinking about things that make me happy, but instead things that anger, frustrate, scare and upset me. Areas of my heart that carry resentment seem to be the thoughts that like to pop up, more than the happy, positive moments (I'm sure there is psychological reason for this, but I would rather explore it philosophically). As time went on, the more that I practiced not having these conversations with myself, and just allowed moments in my life to come the more aware I became of what was really going on in my world. My heart became open to receiving new experiences, and they were a million times better then the ones I had been creating in my mind.
I'm excited for 2016. I feel that I have made some great progress this year in my life in areas that needed some love and attention, such as my jealousy and insecurities, and I am ready to face the new year with a more open mind and a more open heart. Bring it on!

For the record I am also really, really good friends now with my attractive, not single anymore beautiful co-worker.

How to be happier

I am writing this in the hope that it will help others. Suicides and mass shootings are more prevalent now then they have ever been. Too many are deciding that killing themselves and others is the solution. Depression can be a result of a chemical imbalance, or it could be caused by environmental factors, everybody is different. The bottom line is that nobody is free of problems, and our minds have a way of compounding them. Life can be extremely frusturating and unfulfilling sometimes.  It doesn't matter who you are, sadness affects everybody, and for some, giving up may feel like the only choice.
Here is a thought though.
You are in control of your mind, and your life. For me, sometimes the simplest solutions are the ones that help the most when I feel bleak and empty.  I am not claiming to have the answers to cure depression, but here are a few insights I have gathered from friends and family that help me when I am feeling depleted.

1. Think of a time when you were happy. Now remind yourself that you will have more of these moments. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.

2. If you are unhappy about something that has not actually happened, or happened in the past, let it go. Forgiveness is not for the person you are forgiving, but for yourself. Free yourself. The present moment is now, and that is what matters. Don't let the ghosts of your past ruin your now.

3. Look at life as a series of moments, rather then one long one. For me, mentally  breaking life up into moments instead of a single long moment helped create a different perspective at how I look at my life. Some moments are good, some bad, some mundane. Add the moments up and you have the movie that is your life.

4. Remind yourself of the big picture. Time will pass, and the scenery of your life will change too. Nobody can see into the future, and life surprises us, sometimes. No matter how bleak the situation, it can always improve in an instant.

5. Don't ever give up. Everybody has a special gift to offer the world, and even if you don't know what your gift is yet, that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. If you are alive and reading this, you have already influenced someone just by being.

6. Keep yourself busy. If your having trouble controlling your thoughts, the worst thing you can do is wallow in them. Start doing something, anything to busy yourself, even if it's just the dishes.

7. Get out of the house. Go for a walk, go to the mall. Sometimes just crossing a threshold can create a new perspective.

8. If you are a believer, pray. I rely on God to give me strength when I don't have it myself.

It's totally normal to be sad or have anxiety sometimes too. Life is both beautiful and tragic. Keep your chins up and your lights shining.

Thought caves

Hunt down your true self,
inside.
Pave the way,
through the chaos.
Break the thoughts,
that stop the flow.
Let fear subside.
Nothing can hurt you,
in your head.
Voices from the past,
skeletons dance across,
repressions song.
Whirling and twirling,
waves of air,
dissapating,
a way--
Deep down inside,
your soul is a cave,
it's a place,
where a well
of doubt resides. 
Abolish it,
dry it out.
Quiet the voices, of
things that stop you,
demons,
binding your psyche. 
Don't allow The haters,
the slayers of imagination,
to stop you.
Many things can be heard,
among the silence.
Past the inner findings,
the desperate writhings,
the tortured darkness,
of your mind,
you will find you.

Perspectives

My perspective has slowly been shifting, over time.
Consciously awakening myself to new thoughts.
Ideas that calm my spirit.
I have always been overly emotional.
It's not fair--was my chosen phrase.
Expecting too much.
Doing something that I thought was fun,
or stimulating,
all of the time.
Or I wasn't happy.
Bored and depressed,
even feeling useless, at times.
Jumping from emotion to emotion.
A rabbit running through a field.
Here is how I gained a more positive outlook--
By lessening my expecations,
of what life is supposed to give me.
I found a new perspective.
Life is bound to be boring, sometimes.
Everyday like the next,
is not the worst thing ever.
To be living and breathing itself,
is enough excitement.
The world seems so gentle and kind,
with my lessened expectations.
Content, with the little things.
I don't expect more, but it will find me.
Maybe not everyday, but somedays.
And that is fine with me.

My man

My man is strong, he never gives up. He is always standing tall in my mind.
He protects me with a vengeance, I always feel safe with him.
He is my mighty bulwark, my strong wall-against which I lean.
You will never meet a man, like mine.

My man is handsome, gleaming gold-inside and out. He beams with light. His eyes are as blue as the bluest ocean-they wash with emotion when he is upset, and light my sky when he is happy.

I can't help but be in love with this man.
I don't know what I would do without my man.

New year

Day three of the year. I am going to be writing more, a lot more. 
What I am going to write about is still unclear. I am hoping that by being more observant I will have more to report.
I really couldn't have been blessed with a better husband. I just love Andy. He really loves me and wants me to be happy. I have never had that before. He is hard working, loving, caring, and a good Father. No complaints on my marriage.
I feel like I need to work on myself, mainly. The things that I complain about seem so childish to me after I have a fit.  Such as New Years Eve. The situation that happened ended up being not what I had envisioned our night to be and I got upset.  And it was not by any means a bad night at all. In hindsight the night happened the way it did to show me some important things.
I thought that I had learned the lesson of "not having preconceived notions" a long time ago, but I needed a refresher course. Things do not always happen as we plan or expect them to happen. Rarely do they happen that way.  Other stuff happens that is out of our control all of the time.  Go with the flow.
The other big thing that I would really like to change about myself is STILL healing from the past and the trust issues that I experience still because of it.  I am obviously glad that I didn't marry the wrong person and that it happened the way it did, and I am with Andy now. But I wish that I did not have trust issues still because of it. Andy is the most trustworthy man I have ever met. But the feelings still come and they still suck. I know where they stemmed from, and that is what upsets me. I hate that what happened still affects me. It's not happening now and I wish the old feelings would never resurface. I never had trust issues before, if anything, I was too trusting.  I don't want to feel jealous and insecure when we are around other girls. I don't feel that this is really me, and I want myself back. It is getting better and better as time goes on, but it still happens.  I can't believe that my psyche is still rattled from that experience in 2010.
The new year has already taught me a lesson. Let go of my expectations.  This may sound negative- but, it is actually not. Without expectations we open up ourselves to the Universe and whatever it may bring our way. Narrow sighted perceptions will be widened. If I don't expect anything, then every moment will be a surprise. I am opening myself up like a lotus flower to new experiences and change. Bring them on!
I will spend my time studying art and philosophy, writing and listening.
2015 for me will signify natural change. I will grow, I will progress. In what ways is yet to remain unseen.