Worry-Wort

I worry that you won't come home from work.
I worry that I am going to get cancer from smoking.
I worry that I am worrying too much.
I obsess on stuff like glass smudges.
I obsess on my cats too much.
I worry about my weight.
I worry about money.
I worry about worry.
I worry that my car will crash.
I worry that this will be my last day on earth.
I hate birds.
I hate blue candy.
I hate being constipated.
I hate that I can't just relax.
I want to please everyone.
I worry about losing it(my mind)
I worry about the world and everyone on it.
I wonder what they are thinking?
I wonder what I am going to do tommorow.
Will there be tommorow.
Will I grieve.
How will I grieve.
I know that I don't know enough.
I worry about not knowing enough.
Why don't I know more?
Am I stupid?
I worry about work
Did I work hard enough?
Did I do anything stupid?
Did I think things through?
Do they like me?
Was I fun?
Was I funny?
I worry that when I am driving I will crash
I will get a fucked up eye from the glass in my eye
I worry about amputated limbs
I guess I just worry too much.

Black and white.

I manage a privately owned breakfast restaurant. I was recently transferred to a new store. Today, I found out that my General Manager is a follower of a white supremacist group. Rallys and all. At first I was surprised, really, that that sort of ignorance still exists in this day and age, but not really surprised. Which led to this thinking.....really... what is white? Native American? European? White skin? I don't get it. I guess that they would think me ignorant, and in this case, I prefer to remain ignorant to that way of thinking. When I told my boyfriend( and yes I will tell everyone every chance I get, you better be prepared to own that way of thinking and be proud of it fuckers) he got mad. I told him what I told her.

"I'm sorry that your boyfriend feels that way, we could blame it on the fact that he has been in and out of prison since 18, or his prior heavy drug use, but really it is you that I feel really sorry for, for following such and ignorant man." Really, I didn't tell her that. But I wish I would have.

I guess part of me fears the confrontation, and part of me just really feels sorry for people like that. That there main concern in life is the color of there skin, the color of other people's skin, and the logos that they put on there clothes to announce it. I don't have a problem with being proud of your heritage(Italian and proud of it babies) but do you really have to hate other people for theres? Something that they are born into and have absolutely no control over? If one of these "white power" people actually sat down and thought about it would that make sense? Or are they just so entrenched in there own hate and ignorance that they wouldn't even consider the thought that there way of thinking is not only wrong, but complete and utter stupidity. Sad really. That's all.

What does it all mean?

Several things have been on my mind as of late....such as Fate. Hate. Date Rape.
Love. The Truth.
Lemme break it down for you. Is Fate when two people meet by chance and know know know that they are destined to be together. Move in instantly. Live happily ever after.
What the fuck is happily ever after? (My def: Being able to live together and laugh and go on and on and on well ....forever) Hate. There is nothing wrong with it. It just has a bad REP. It is okay to hate. It is just another emotion just like love. Everything in moderation. Just don't hate all the time. Don't be a hater, don't be mad at the world all the fucking time. Don't be jealous of other people all the time. Just some of the time and you will be alright.
Date Rape. Mabey. I don't know if I feel like going into all that. She couldn't even walk. Really do you have to control e-v-eryyy thing??? It is just sick. Me-I am not sick. But I can be the sickest evilest fucking person if pushed to my limits, luckily for the world and for sick people I have a lot of patience. But I also love violence, so I might punch you (her) in the face just to shut her up. Damn, she bounced right back like a jack in the box though. Creepy. I still love her though, well I guess I have to, she is my sister after all.
The truth is...I prefer thoughts to action. .....just lay there sit there smoke it and think. Think about all that happens, how it affects me, how it affects others. I don't want to do do do. Why do people do what they do? Why do I? Is it fate? Human nature? Chemistry. All is right in my world. I keep the balance. I keep the peace. Fuck with it and I will punch you in the face.

Cheeto-san and birth control

So...I have been accused of many things, namely, not thinking things through( from my district manager at work) and speaking before I think.....from countless others. Here are a few examples of times this has occured. Hmmmm....well the other night at the bar I frequent I told the bar owner(who also plays on a soft ball team) when him and said softball team arrived at the bar that I wouldn't mind if all of them slid into home plate(personal) I then proceeded to tell him the next time I was there that I know I was innapropriate the last time I was here and I just wanted you to know that I meant every word. This was after I drunkenly interviewed some random drunk lady in an informal interview about applying at my store( mixing proffesionalism with personal) I told my old district manager who is constantly on my new district managers ass for not following procedure that we were allowed to show our tattoes. Well, that is how I came off I guess(personal) I am only going back a few weeks, but I am sure we can all see a pattern here. Well, this is something that countless times in my life I have said, I am going to "work" on. Not thinking things through should have been my middle name. Not Ann. One instance that stands out in my mind is high school .Sophmore year. I was sitting in my biology class. I needed to be there for roll call, as I had already reached my ditching limit and parents had been called. But, Farra does not think things through decided to instead, go to class. Say she is sick has to go to the bathroom. My nurse options had already been used up as well. Leave stuff so as to appear as if she is really just going to the bathroom. Walk down ramp. Stop at open door outside. Proceed to call out to the black girl Lacreesha........pssssssssssssssssssssssstttttttttttttt throw me my back pack. Runs. Jumps fence behind school. Fucks boyfriend in field. Yeah. That is thinking things through. A much more recent instance is when I went to the Urgent Care clinic for my bronchitis. Only after stubbornly refusing that I didn't need a doctor, and I was there fore unable to make an appointment. So, while at the clinic, while the doc is looking in my throat, I asked him if he would possibly while I was there to make me a prescription for some birth control and cheeto-san(the stop smoking pill) Really, this is how quickly I speak before thinking. There were obviously no stirrups on the table, and cheeto-san does not exist to a medical professional. I thinks it's called Chantax, or whatever. Well....I will probably never change. This is part of my charm. For all of you that don't like it. Whatever.

Things I Love

There are certain things in life that I absolutely could not would not EVER live without. One, my LOVE. Going on eight years now Geoffrey and I are inseparable joined at the hip. I never get sick of him and he never gets sick of me. Really, it's SICK. We never run out of stuff to laugh about (Everything) Talk about(Everything) or have meaningless arguments about( You vacumn too long you melted it, you didn't vacumn long enough, Why can't I play my Simpsons game when you are home, because it sounds like something that would entertain a two year old, I am hot! I am cold! Turn down the air. I don't like that brand of toilet paper, would you just spend the extra 30 cents on the good Mac and Cheese, You left hair in the bathroom when you shaved your head, you put the toilet paper on the roll wrong, why did you eat all my caramels?etc..etc...I could go on all day. The thing is we amuse and enchant each other every day. We can laugh about the random awful things that have happened in our relationship, we make rules, we follow them in order to have a blissfull relationship because the relationship itself means so much to both of us that neither could bear to lose it. I don't care if others are discusted by us. They are just JEALOUS as they should be. A love this perfect did not happen overnight, we earned it. I know that we are annoying to others at times with our Baby this and Baby that, but at the end of the day when we are home together NOTHING else matters.
Okay, enough about that.
Second to Geoffrey I love Books. Old books new books books I have read just the sight of books makes my mouth water and my hands shake. I just want to open them up and read and read and read until my elbow aches and when I put it down I want to sit there and think about it and if it was good enough I just can't wait until I read it again. Unfortunately the spectrum for this goes from John Updike to V.C. Andrews. So I can't exactly say I learn anything relevant from some of the books that I have read multiple times.
I love Memories. Sometimes when I have time (which I have a lot of) I like to lie in bed and close my eyes and think and reminisce about events in times past and what they felt like and smelled like and tasted like. I like to turn them over in my mind and re-happen them like they were just yesterday, or even better Now. Oh, this often leads to ummmmm....Fantisizing. I do some of that to.
Masturbation. Yes. Sex in the live is so much better in it's own way. But sometimes it's fun to touch yourself. Try it. Then leave a big saucy mark for your lover to find.
Food. I love food in a way that leads to...well see above. Not all foods. Sometimes it's about quality, but sometimes it's just about quantity that makes you want to just lay down and take a nap. It's called comfort eating. I like to comfort myself a lot. In exchange for feeling this well..comfort I also sacrifice my waisline. That is where the sex and love comes in though. It's all about balance, right?
Times Past. The fifties. The sixties. The grainy as fuck Seventies. Time that has past. Years. The nineties. They each have there own charm for me. That is enough for today.