We're churning up
SOMETHING
Came unraveled
Dust and Smoke
and Questions
Wonder
WHAT
Is to come of this new
Adventure
Meandering Road
Slow
Rocks
Kick up Dust
But what
There's More
No Fear?
You say
But where will it go?
The Fear
Ever Near
Ever Close
One Step Forward
We come so close
Synchronized
Dance
We take a step
SO close
Then another one Back
Stay on Track
What Track
There is no road
Only Floating
It keeps appearing
This FEAR
I loath
But each cloud had BUST
Left with no hope
But there is you say
Show me than
Take it all back
Can you do it?
Can we LIVE PAST?
Each step we take
Has meaning
Makes me think
At least
That's something
But wait
There's more
Digging with a fork
What's under the floor
I guess we'll see
A tomb of hope
Underneath
Mabey something more this time.
WE WILL SEE
Monday, July 25, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Imbalanced balance
Sometimes I feel like I am fighting with my own brain. I know that the "easy' route would be to go on medication, but I would rather take responsibility for my own feelings on my own. I feel that the power of the brain, and the power of positivity is stronger than a pill. I have always had ups and downs, highs and lows, and am just accostomed to it. For a brief time, when I was younger, I was put on medication to "regulate' this slight chemical imbalance that I deal with, but it made me feel like I was out of control, with no boundaries, anything goes. I think a little bit of sadness goes a long way, as far as my personality goes, in being more empathatic towards myself and others. Who wants to be on a happy trip all the time?
A happy trip induced by medication. I know that a lot of people would argue that this would be "beneficial" in my day to day life, but I find that what truly works is sunshine, hot tea, baths, reading, meditation, and recognizing when I need to do these things. Nothing wrong with a little personal reflection, right?
I don't know why I have the sudden need to defend my choice to stay off of medication, but I do. Nobody is pressuring me to do it. My own brain screams at me sometimes though. Hits me with moments of sadness so strong that I start to cry for no reason at all. I consider this a positive thing somtimes, considering I went a long time without crying at all. Wondering to myself, is something wrong with me that I feel nothing at all. I know now that the cause of this was a strong repression of what I wanted ...also known as CO-DEPENDANCY. Such a strong need to take care of everyone else, there problems, there needs, there wants, that I was more than willing to overlook my own desires. It even got to the point that I no longer knew what my desires for my own happiness and well being were anymore. What was a real eye opener for me was this- I thought that this was love. Yuck. I am thankful that I realized this now, while I am still young, to change.
Which brings me to change. My life has changed so much this past year, that I don't know if I would recognize my old life if it was sitting right in front of me. Complacent no more, someone should right a book about that. What I thought was me, what I thought was love, what I thought was happiness were all illusions, my own illusions that I was responsible for. What a real eye popper for me to discover was that I was perfectly willing to accept this life, without question. Did nothing to help myself, but was literally ripped out of it by betrayals and lies- one after another, stacked upon each other so high they toppled. Toppled on top of me, shattered my illusions. Thank you!! Thank you!! I want to scream sometimes, so grateful that everything happened the way it did. Grateful that I see my own worth now. Grateful, that I know that that I don't have to ride on someone elses wants and needs to be happy. That I don't have to be in such a constant state of NEED that will never be filled. I take the blame, some blame, for this. We are ALL responsible for our decisions, for our life, our own happiness. We can either live in a state of denial, out of fear, or we can touch on the deepest part of ourselves, again and again and again, until we know each part of our soul- what makes us happy, what we are willing to take and not take,and not give, and settle for nothing less. Or we can live in a state of complacency, based on fear of the unknown. Everyones choice is there own, everyone has there own lessons to learn. What I value will NOT be compromised.
Honesty...number one. My own and that of others. There is so much dignity in telling the truth, for standing up for yourself, for owning your actions. Laughter. Love. There is so much more to give, that people forget about in the superficial society that we live in that is priceless.
This is what I ask for, for myself. Even in my constant state of imbalance, these are the things that won't change. That are set in stone.
A happy trip induced by medication. I know that a lot of people would argue that this would be "beneficial" in my day to day life, but I find that what truly works is sunshine, hot tea, baths, reading, meditation, and recognizing when I need to do these things. Nothing wrong with a little personal reflection, right?
I don't know why I have the sudden need to defend my choice to stay off of medication, but I do. Nobody is pressuring me to do it. My own brain screams at me sometimes though. Hits me with moments of sadness so strong that I start to cry for no reason at all. I consider this a positive thing somtimes, considering I went a long time without crying at all. Wondering to myself, is something wrong with me that I feel nothing at all. I know now that the cause of this was a strong repression of what I wanted ...also known as CO-DEPENDANCY. Such a strong need to take care of everyone else, there problems, there needs, there wants, that I was more than willing to overlook my own desires. It even got to the point that I no longer knew what my desires for my own happiness and well being were anymore. What was a real eye opener for me was this- I thought that this was love. Yuck. I am thankful that I realized this now, while I am still young, to change.
Which brings me to change. My life has changed so much this past year, that I don't know if I would recognize my old life if it was sitting right in front of me. Complacent no more, someone should right a book about that. What I thought was me, what I thought was love, what I thought was happiness were all illusions, my own illusions that I was responsible for. What a real eye popper for me to discover was that I was perfectly willing to accept this life, without question. Did nothing to help myself, but was literally ripped out of it by betrayals and lies- one after another, stacked upon each other so high they toppled. Toppled on top of me, shattered my illusions. Thank you!! Thank you!! I want to scream sometimes, so grateful that everything happened the way it did. Grateful that I see my own worth now. Grateful, that I know that that I don't have to ride on someone elses wants and needs to be happy. That I don't have to be in such a constant state of NEED that will never be filled. I take the blame, some blame, for this. We are ALL responsible for our decisions, for our life, our own happiness. We can either live in a state of denial, out of fear, or we can touch on the deepest part of ourselves, again and again and again, until we know each part of our soul- what makes us happy, what we are willing to take and not take,and not give, and settle for nothing less. Or we can live in a state of complacency, based on fear of the unknown. Everyones choice is there own, everyone has there own lessons to learn. What I value will NOT be compromised.
Honesty...number one. My own and that of others. There is so much dignity in telling the truth, for standing up for yourself, for owning your actions. Laughter. Love. There is so much more to give, that people forget about in the superficial society that we live in that is priceless.
This is what I ask for, for myself. Even in my constant state of imbalance, these are the things that won't change. That are set in stone.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Cheesy
If you love someone
Let them know
If you feel anger let it show
If your feelings get hurt
Talk it out
Say what you mean
Mean what you say
Honestly
Simple
Yet sometimes hard to do
If you need some silence
Turn off the sound
If you feel yucky
Crawl underground
Call up your friends
Just to say HI
Go for a walk
Look up at the sky
So many things
We forget to do
Just a reminder
That when you feel sad
Go ahead and cry
It's okay to let it all out
We are all human
We all have emotion
We all make mistakes
We all need protection
So look at the stars
Look at the moon
Say thank you to GOD
For each day that you have
For each smile you share
For each tear that you shed
For each and every brain cell inside your head
For every flower
For every plant
For every pet
That we love on this earth
Thanks for the green
Thanks for the yellow
Thanks for the wonderful LIFE YOU HAVE GIVEN!
Let them know
If you feel anger let it show
If your feelings get hurt
Talk it out
Say what you mean
Mean what you say
Honestly
Simple
Yet sometimes hard to do
If you need some silence
Turn off the sound
If you feel yucky
Crawl underground
Call up your friends
Just to say HI
Go for a walk
Look up at the sky
So many things
We forget to do
Just a reminder
That when you feel sad
Go ahead and cry
It's okay to let it all out
We are all human
We all have emotion
We all make mistakes
We all need protection
So look at the stars
Look at the moon
Say thank you to GOD
For each day that you have
For each smile you share
For each tear that you shed
For each and every brain cell inside your head
For every flower
For every plant
For every pet
That we love on this earth
Thanks for the green
Thanks for the yellow
Thanks for the wonderful LIFE YOU HAVE GIVEN!
Monday, July 18, 2011
This
I used to think that it was better to sit back and wait for what you want in life to come along.
I still partially believe that if something is going to happen, it is going to happen naturally, and everything happens for a reason,that destiny controls our future.
I now believe that sometimes, you have to put your hand out and grab what you want. .
Say what you want, out loud. Put it out there. Investigate. Don't be afraid to take chances emotionally. Don't be so consumed with what is happening, and how other people are acting towards you, that you let them control your LIFE your FUTURE.
It's okay to say "Hey" This is NOT okay. Or this is working for me. Articulate what you Really want. Your own boundaries, your own expectations in life, in your relationships.
It's part of being an adult. Knowing yourself well enough, to know what is acceptable, what you will allow into your enviornment and what you won't.
I know people that have not yet figured this out. I, myself, was like this not so long ago. I let "love" dictate my own unhappiness. I made excuses for others, because I thought that by doing this, I was being a loving partner. But, if you think about it, we don't act like this with our friends. We talk, we don't hide behind anything, and in turn have beautiful friendships, that are honest.
Why can't we be like this with our partners? Shouldn't the same rules apply?
Shouldn't our romantic relationships be friendships above all else?
So if you are in a relationship where you can't be honest with your partner, isn't that a problem.
What do you have if you don't have honesty?
A trap. A cage.An obligation.
So many people I know, so many friends of mine, allow this to happen. In turn they are always feeling half fulfilled. Always half wanting something more from there mates.
Come to the point where you are okay being alone. Where your life doesn't one hundred percent revolve around making your partner happy, and you will have a different perspective on the matter.
This is my rant for the morning, these are my thoughts.
Looking forward to learning,and growing more everyday, because once you move forward emotionally, it frees up your life and time to have more chances and more experiences to grow!
Don't be stagnant!!!
I still partially believe that if something is going to happen, it is going to happen naturally, and everything happens for a reason,that destiny controls our future.
I now believe that sometimes, you have to put your hand out and grab what you want. .
Say what you want, out loud. Put it out there. Investigate. Don't be afraid to take chances emotionally. Don't be so consumed with what is happening, and how other people are acting towards you, that you let them control your LIFE your FUTURE.
It's okay to say "Hey" This is NOT okay. Or this is working for me. Articulate what you Really want. Your own boundaries, your own expectations in life, in your relationships.
It's part of being an adult. Knowing yourself well enough, to know what is acceptable, what you will allow into your enviornment and what you won't.
I know people that have not yet figured this out. I, myself, was like this not so long ago. I let "love" dictate my own unhappiness. I made excuses for others, because I thought that by doing this, I was being a loving partner. But, if you think about it, we don't act like this with our friends. We talk, we don't hide behind anything, and in turn have beautiful friendships, that are honest.
Why can't we be like this with our partners? Shouldn't the same rules apply?
Shouldn't our romantic relationships be friendships above all else?
So if you are in a relationship where you can't be honest with your partner, isn't that a problem.
What do you have if you don't have honesty?
A trap. A cage.An obligation.
So many people I know, so many friends of mine, allow this to happen. In turn they are always feeling half fulfilled. Always half wanting something more from there mates.
Come to the point where you are okay being alone. Where your life doesn't one hundred percent revolve around making your partner happy, and you will have a different perspective on the matter.
This is my rant for the morning, these are my thoughts.
Looking forward to learning,and growing more everyday, because once you move forward emotionally, it frees up your life and time to have more chances and more experiences to grow!
Don't be stagnant!!!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
For Me For Momma
What do I struggle with?
I asked myself this question recently? It took me a minute to decide, first I was a little bit bothered by the fact that it took me even a minute to figure this out. Then I decided to go easy on myself for once...ask anyone this and they would probably have to think about it for at least a second.
Right?
Well, a few days to be perfectly honest.
Since we all know how perfect I am.
Did I mention my ego?
So, I decided, obviously this is what I struggle with. I definitly put more time and mental energy into other's problems, in order to avoid facing my own internal conflicts. Brilliant. Not only do I come off as a self-less problem solver and a great listener, but I don't have to face my own issues.
Ordinarily, this is something that I would pat myself on the back for. But since I was specifically making an effort to figure out what my own shortcomings as a person are, I had to face reality. Not my best friend, let me tell you.
My Mother recently came to visit. Most of us have a Mother. I happen to have a wonderful one. The best. Insightful, smart, spiritual, but with enough of a sordid past that she TRULY understands LIFE. Not only that but she is an awesome cook, beautiful, quirky, loud, great sense of humor, well I could go on all day, really. Not only all of this, but she never, ever, hesitates to tell me how it is, and sugar coats nothing. So when MOMMA says something, even if you aren't "listening" per say, her insights will pop into your brain unwittingly. Hence, the shortcomings.
So my Mom said, you never give anything a chance, once it becomes difficult, even for a second you quit trying.
Except, in love. That is my own sentiment.
But otherwise, she was right.
So for me, I am going to take the high road from now on. For my Momma.
I asked myself this question recently? It took me a minute to decide, first I was a little bit bothered by the fact that it took me even a minute to figure this out. Then I decided to go easy on myself for once...ask anyone this and they would probably have to think about it for at least a second.
Right?
Well, a few days to be perfectly honest.
Since we all know how perfect I am.
Did I mention my ego?
So, I decided, obviously this is what I struggle with. I definitly put more time and mental energy into other's problems, in order to avoid facing my own internal conflicts. Brilliant. Not only do I come off as a self-less problem solver and a great listener, but I don't have to face my own issues.
Ordinarily, this is something that I would pat myself on the back for. But since I was specifically making an effort to figure out what my own shortcomings as a person are, I had to face reality. Not my best friend, let me tell you.
My Mother recently came to visit. Most of us have a Mother. I happen to have a wonderful one. The best. Insightful, smart, spiritual, but with enough of a sordid past that she TRULY understands LIFE. Not only that but she is an awesome cook, beautiful, quirky, loud, great sense of humor, well I could go on all day, really. Not only all of this, but she never, ever, hesitates to tell me how it is, and sugar coats nothing. So when MOMMA says something, even if you aren't "listening" per say, her insights will pop into your brain unwittingly. Hence, the shortcomings.
So my Mom said, you never give anything a chance, once it becomes difficult, even for a second you quit trying.
Except, in love. That is my own sentiment.
But otherwise, she was right.
So for me, I am going to take the high road from now on. For my Momma.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Blessing
I used to think that life was what was right in front of your face, that you had to accept what you had and make the best of it. I now know that life is a series of choices, everyday, we make choices that either enrich our life or hinder it in some way, emotionally or physically. It is up to ME each and every one of us to choose the right path, the right door. Some stuff is out of our hands, things happen that we cannot control, but for the most part, we do have control over our own enviornment, our own happiness, our own destiny.
Not fearing change was a huge obstacle that I had to overcome. Fearing a new location, fearing being alone. I was afraid to drive, afraid that I would get lost. Feared accidents, feared others anger. I know, now that being lost is part of life, being lost leads to new roads, roads I wouldn't have otherwise explored. Metaphorically and Physically.
I had to learn, had to make decisions that would take me off this path. You choose to be happy or you choose to be miserable. A friend told me the other day that she was "surprised" that I had recovered my life and my happiness so quickly. The truth of the matter is, was, that I chose to be happy, I chose not to wallow in depression and shock, because I value the time that I have on this earth and do not want to waste one minute of it.
I surrounded myself with postitive, smart, intuitive people,who were able to look me in the face and tell me that they loved me. Who were able to give me awesome advice, to help me on this path, and for my friends and family I couln't be more grateful, could not love them more. In turn, I attracted someone who values friendship and family as much as I do.
So when I question time, I stop, and I say to myself,"you choose not to waste time being unhappy, and there fore things that are good and rational and wonderful are not going to take there time with you"
I truly do believe that what you put into your body, and who you let into your life is going to have a huge impact on the outcome of your life, and instead of being unhappy with what you don't have, rejoicing in what you do, each and every day will deliver exactly what you want.
Not fearing change was a huge obstacle that I had to overcome. Fearing a new location, fearing being alone. I was afraid to drive, afraid that I would get lost. Feared accidents, feared others anger. I know, now that being lost is part of life, being lost leads to new roads, roads I wouldn't have otherwise explored. Metaphorically and Physically.
I had to learn, had to make decisions that would take me off this path. You choose to be happy or you choose to be miserable. A friend told me the other day that she was "surprised" that I had recovered my life and my happiness so quickly. The truth of the matter is, was, that I chose to be happy, I chose not to wallow in depression and shock, because I value the time that I have on this earth and do not want to waste one minute of it.
I surrounded myself with postitive, smart, intuitive people,who were able to look me in the face and tell me that they loved me. Who were able to give me awesome advice, to help me on this path, and for my friends and family I couln't be more grateful, could not love them more. In turn, I attracted someone who values friendship and family as much as I do.
So when I question time, I stop, and I say to myself,"you choose not to waste time being unhappy, and there fore things that are good and rational and wonderful are not going to take there time with you"
I truly do believe that what you put into your body, and who you let into your life is going to have a huge impact on the outcome of your life, and instead of being unhappy with what you don't have, rejoicing in what you do, each and every day will deliver exactly what you want.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Cheyanne
Redirecting thoughts
Clouds
What I knew
Floating through the sky
Dreams
Filled with meaning
Balance
Everything what it should be
Live to love
Love to give
Take what is yours
Make it your own
Your own life
Don't give it all away
Nothing left
Leaves you feeling
Penniless
Aggravated
Rage
Take your time
For yourself
Free yourself
From your own life
Just relax
Watch the sky
So beautiful
You are
Need to see
What inside of you
Glows
Beautiful
Clouds
What I knew
Floating through the sky
Dreams
Filled with meaning
Balance
Everything what it should be
Live to love
Love to give
Take what is yours
Make it your own
Your own life
Don't give it all away
Nothing left
Leaves you feeling
Penniless
Aggravated
Rage
Take your time
For yourself
Free yourself
From your own life
Just relax
Watch the sky
So beautiful
You are
Need to see
What inside of you
Glows
Beautiful
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