Just my thoughts

So, iv'e been trying to give myself some psychotherapy. I have confidence in the fact that I am capable of healing my inner wounds myself. I know myself better than anyone. The girl that got fucked over needs to get over it. I'm sick of holding back from trusting when trust is warranted. I have probably lost a friendship from this stain. I hold back from trusting my husband. As a happily married newly wed I have NO reason not to trust Andy. He has never done anything but try and show me how much he loves me, and the thought of him straying is a laugh to anyone else. But the fucked up girl inside of me takes over, and keeps me from having friendships with girls, because they are pretty. She sits inside of me, stewing about whether or not Andy is cheating or thinking about cheating. He really does not deserve this. He is the most loyal person I have ever met! We have a beautiful love, and a beautiful relationship. There is no reason for me to still feel this way. My wounds should have healed long ago, but I guess some are deeper than we realize. In my psychotherapy session today, I realized this. Just touching a feeling sometimes still hurts, it might take me a lifetime to stop feeling like this. But I am sick and tired of feeling like this. A long time ago, I realized that I am beautiful. I am me. No matter what happens, I love myself. That will not leave me. But now I want to let all the bitter feelings of jealousy and hurt that happened to leave my soul. I deserve to give myself the gift of happiness. I am only going to be a newly wed once, and I want to enjoy if fully- not worrying about losing it, or fearing that someone else if going to swoop in and take it away. I learned last week that life is unpredictable and precious, when I lost a childhood friend. Someone who I ran with in track. He was fast and the last person I would have expected to take his own life and that of another. R.I.P. Patrick. I hope all of his hurt has gone away. I have a beautiful life and love, I cannot comprehend how much hurt he must have been feeling, even at my worst. I hope that I am able to continue working on my own demons on my own. For myself and for Andy. He deserves to have me one hundred percent. I deserve it.

In Memory of Patrick

I didn't know you well,
but I will never forget your face.

Time took it's toll on you too young,
what you were born, and who you were-
was too much for you, and the pain took it's toll.

Darkness came into your life and took too much.
It came and stole your sunshine, and you couldn't
find your way off of the shadowed path.

You will be missed, you were loved.
Now you can heal, in the light up above.

Good Night Lullaby

All along I have pictured someone strong
Thee self that you project by strings of lies
Stow sadness hidden so deep something dark
Dwells inside of the madness in your mind
You alone hold the key to my psyche
My hate for you needs to be quelled with love
That is the only way that I can live
Free from your tortured soul from your sick mind

I look within self to find compassion
I pray for help to calm our tortured minds

My Momma and Me

Spring is almost over; summer is coming
Darkest sky of night, moon above
We are all; we are none
My peace rests in my Mother; in her is me
She knows me best; time and love
Us Forever one sky; one love
Of all above; on self
In us; we never rest
The restless spirit flies; and dreams
Things out of reach; within reality
I came into this world, in her
In her lives me; all time
Since I have known myself; and she has known
All time; infinity; eternity
In life; in dreams
In things that are from beyond what we can see
We can't change time, we can't change eternity
In us it lives; it lives in our love
In the dreams that we dream
In our minds
In our lives
Do things happen; time space continuim
Or does what we do
Propel us from Earth
Into our thoughts; into our dreams
Into things in between
Into the space we waste
On our fears
Freaking night terrors
Silent screams, dreams
All that I am is you Mom
The scares and the fears
The restless spirit that flies
Tries to lie in her poems
Of things that are rooted
When my feet fly; fast with fear
What is real; what is past
What is in me, Ma
That makes me this way
Full of fear
Full of hope, full of Love
All that is near, far, everywhere
My restless spirit flies with you
Ma
All that I am; what I love
What you gave me
Life
Me

Live free! Live for Love!

When our minds want to escape reality, it does. There is a sleuth of different ways that the mind somehow finds to do this, including mental madness.  Sleeping, eating,  and other habits that over take us;
Far from our comfortable wonderful families that we love,sometimes can be a harsh effect.  Other times to help us relax our minds, relax, take the stress off from our days. To change with friends, relax and imbibe.
Why do we do what we do?
Is there a time and a place for everything?
Everything is with us and we are with it.
Live free and live for LOVE!!!

ThgiN

Give me all of your secrets of beauty!
Dark as Night,Black as night
The night sky is shining!
The Sky is shining with sparking diamonds--
We are made of light;sparkling black as night
I want to shine
Vast night
The sky shines
I want my eyes to shine like the stars
Diamonds in the sky
Looking into the universe
All of her secrets a mystery
I want to be as beautiful as black
Night skys' shining
Endless nights' eyes
Stars shining, forever and endless
I want eyes that gleam
Sparkles of diamond; deep down
From the centre of time
God is everywhere,To me
Limitless beauty
Vast as night
The moon shining down
I sing a song to her
To all; to all, to all, to all
Shining down white
Forever here, forever after
In this time, forever
Forever, Forever, Forever
Mysterious beauty
Luminous moon
Shine your beauty onto me
Pour your white beauty over our souls
Everywhere/Forever
We will be together
Me and Him
His and mine
Forever
All of time
Shining Universe
You are beautiful
You are beautiful
Eyes shining stars
White Moon Face
Bathe me in your glow

Darkness and light dream

Is life a dream?
When we wake up
In a scream
Or
When you see;
A place inside your self
Mysterious beauty; Queens and Castles
Darkest times in history; wet air
Dank with disease and fright
A royal Queen; a mystery
Dreams become reality

Houses rising from mountains;pools of blue desire
Is this heaven?
Have we arrived?
Is heaven everywhere; in between here and there
In our dreams; our nightmares
When we wake up in a scream
Three a.m. a place and not a time
Frightened awake by my mind;Tranquil peace, purest dreams
Here I am
Here I am free
Here I can see
This is heaven;our nightmares
Our dreams
Inside our heads, we live
Dare to dream; imagine being free
Dare to be free, in there where your darkest fears make silent screams
What could be, if we were evil inside?
A glimpse into things unseen
What happens in our darkest dreams?
Where are we, when we are inside a dream?
Outside our heavens, inside our dreams
The darkest places in our minds, dare to exist
In our dreams
Where we are free
Where heaven exists
Where light and darkness dream



This passage is based on dreams that I have had in the past, concerning my darkest nightmares(some other time), and also concerns dreams of a specific house rising out of a mountain top, that evokes feelings of pure happiness in myself.
I have woken up from the darkest nightmares, feeling that I touched the darkest parts of myself.
This poem also describes some of the feelings that I have, that I have existed in another time.
Also, thoughts of does heaven exist? Is it here? Up above? Or everywhere?

Beauty is everything

Can you hear the whispering wind through the leaves
Cotton Candy clouds;a clear pristine blue
What is beautiful?
Leaves flutter in the wind like paper
Fragile;their sound a rustling
If you listen you can hear
Beauty makes a sound when the leaves blow;
Silent beauty in breathtaking views
What is beauty?
Where does she come from
Inside of everything; mirrored onto what we can see
Is beauty fragile, or strong
Is she the great white Queen Moon
Vast in the sky; glowing white
Earth, the Universe, above,in between
Queen Woman;strength of a tree
Her leaves fragile, notes of whispers
We are all one thing
Cerulean pools of cotton candy dreams
What is beauty when she is everything

Happenings

Does anybody want to hear a happy/sad story? This is my life, as of late. I have to say, in some ways it's been a little sad...but on the other hand; the sad events make me a little bit glad.
On May 5th I was fired from my job. I spent five years excelling. I gave them a sandwich to put on the menu(Veganini Panini). I gave them there crab cakes. I gave them my all. I was there, I was punctual. I was planning on leaving.
 They have too much gossip, they have too much drama, which apparently overrides business practice.
 In my opinion, they don't really know how to run a business.
 It doesn't matter how it went down, it just did.
 I lost/they lost when they lost me.
They lost when they lost sight of what makes a business successful.
 I am going ( have already) moved on to " bigger" and " better " things, literally. They lost my faith, they lost my business and they lost my heart. I think my nine year old step son said it best, " I'm sorry Farra, I know how much you loved the Good Egg" Out of the mouth of a child the truth speaks. I did love the Good Egg. I have not lost faith in myself though. I know that I am an exceptional person, an  exceptional worker and have contributed much over the years to them. So why was I treated no better than a scraping off the bottom of a tennis shoe? What is going on in AMERICA when hardworking, honest people are let go?
Thank you for the experience Good Egg, and Fuck you very much.
Onto the Happy.
I was already going through the interview process when I got fired.
The interview process at Ebay/Paypal.
When I say "bigger", I mean it
When I say " better " I mean it.
I wish that I wasn't treated like an expendable piece of trash.
But at least I have my drive, experience and back ground to push me UP
Instead of down
In my opinion, Ebay is lucky to have me, and I am lucky to have them. 

Love Complete

In myself I see me
When I looked
In him I saw myself
In his he was me
From the start
Love found itself
Itself it found
When it did look
When it did seek
Inside Love complete
Inside Love me
Me love him.
Him love me.
Simple Complete

Himself/Me
Me/Himself
Strangely alike
Alike
We know
Inside and Where

In himself
He sees me
Love reflected
Love stares back
In me
What we want
Both
Inside
The likeliness of each
Seen through
Each other's
Eyes
In our love
I am whole
Whole as One
Whole as Me
Whole as One
Whole is he
Within our love
Being each One
One Self
We are
We are We
In this Life
In this dream
In what each of us saw in Love
In what each of us saw in Each other
In this Love we are Free
We are each other
We are we
Making it True
Making it complete

WORLD

I have the whole world
In my hands
I have love
All I have ever given
Back to me
I return

Again and Again
Circles keep spinning
In turn
In infinity
In destiny's path
We sit
We wait
We dream
We love
We find what we put out
It seems
Character takes a turn
Beauty found in return
Inside and Out
Finding more
I find
Happens every moment
Choosing to be grateful
To be happy
To take back myself
The piece that was lost
To the one that I had given
I want her back
That me
Once upon a time
When she wasn't scared
Wasn't scared to love forever
I gave and I gave and I gave
Until there was only a shell
A vessel
To fill with light of sun
Of love
Of dreams fulfilled
All my emptiness is full
Is filled
My happy ending came
When my circle turned
Clicked
A story ended
A story began
One ending happened
Another began
Where I am
Who I love
My life is a vessel
I fill
With my soul
All the love I have
All the love I give

Dreams I see

In the World
Of my dreams
I walk along a path
From a different time
I see me, feel the ground beneath my feet
As real as Earth, is here
Here, and in Sleep
Feels the same sometimes, for me
On a path, in a House
Or in the sky
A sky as blue and as real
As the sky up above, what I call Here
Without any wings, the air carrying me, high above
My reality, is it real?
I have felt it, and I have seen
Are these memories?
Of another time, when I wasn't even me?
Another time, another place
A black hole of times, of place
They exist one inside of another
Inside
Of me, Who I am
Who am I ?
The question, inside of the dream
All that I know is inside of me
Of realities
That exist within one another
Me and Here, and Me and There
A house can be a maze, of rooms
Of time, of different places
One inside a little door, underneath
Another world, a layer

My dreams are as old as me
As I can remember dreaming
Or remembering a memory
This place I hold inside my mind, is as real to me
As can be
I may have been a Queen, I think
My memories in dreams, haunting me
When I think of what I was, what I am
What will come to be?
When I fly like a bird, no clouds around
No trees
Blue a vast space
I fly above, higher and higher I rise
I am a bird, I go with the wind
I fly in the Heaven of my dreams
Unseen to all but me
A place in my world, is all but here
Vividly I remember, each detail
Each feeling each moment, it seems
How it feels to remember, the time
The road, or the sky, or the houses
The feeling is real, of the time
The houses
In this time, in this scheme
Far away, another time 
Castles haunt again and again
Winding hallways and mazes 
In my mind they are real, as I revisit them
Again and again and again and again
Always different and always the same
Am I in a dream?
As time unravels, I can feel the dream
In my world awakened, unraveling
Unwinding in my reality, Here
A castle, beauty, eyes as blue as the sky
That I fly in high above the trees
In my dreams
Driving on a road, of dirt and rocks
Trees with leaves, colored with fall
Leaves on the ground, that had fallen
That fell
I let the road take me, I remember
The beauty, the drive
Of that day, when I dreamt it
Vague but clear, it changed my life
Yet, I was small
When I was there, when I took that drive
Why do I remember? Why?

Heaven and Earth

If shame and hurt and fear
Haunt me
Take my life, my happiness
Turn me into something
Less than white, less than me
Less than passionate
If Ages tell the truth
Men need that, and Men need this
Metal in my veins, metal in my blood
She always says this is How it is
This is how it was.
If we all have holes, do they take
Or do they give
Does our past make us strong
Or Take from our future?

It's already ruined, She says
Her eyes, her voice, a thead
She's Me, only much smaller
Metal in my veins, makes me stronger
Fire against Metal
Bends

One book ends
Another One begins
This one might be better
Let's see
She said.

When the little girl
Goes
This woman emerges
(From a forest)
Of course

Is She triumphant
Or burdened down
With too much
Emotional stow

Does She wait
Or does she Go
Does she know?
Or are the voices in her head
Too loud
Telling her

One way is not the other?
Or it it?
Does she even know?
Are the ghosts howling out?
Or is it inside of her Self?
Does she know what's inside?
Is it fabrication?
What we feel?
Are our feelings delusions?

What he says is always poignant
True
She takes it, she stows
Drops off what she had
It's rotten now, anyhow
Time to leave it, to grow

It's a fabrication of a world
If ruined is already happened
Inside your head
His words a feeling
His face locked in her mind
Locked up in memory and time

She knows what she feels
Is real
A matter of the sky, and heaven and hell
Forever is locked into Her, into her will

A Man who came into her life
Who She knows is the one for her
He tells her, she tells him
They know it, they know

She's not stuck with the past, it haunts her
A place that took, until it took it all
Left not a single drop of love inside of her
Now She's full
Now She still wants more
She's scared
She's elated
She knows what happens
She fails
Between Earth and Heaven
She sits and She waits
In the blue of his eyes
When he knows
He knows
Yet she waits, she sits she sits with her stew
She waits with her stow
Of tears and dreams
That make her feel
Deranged and shaken
Disgusted with herself, and pleased
She sits, and she waits
She sits and she waits and she tells the truth
She emerges from the forest triumphant
The little girl inside of her cries, for all that she knows
She does, when she doesn't really want to do
Patiently
Is how she would like to wait, but she's sick
She's deranged
In her dreams, and with her past haunting her
His haunting him, reaching up to grab
To take the love, they want
They have
They share

In the Blue of his eyes
For the colors of love and the sky
For permanent happiness here on Earth
In the sky, to love and live
In Heaven's eyes
Can't wait, let's begin
She wishes it came out, it left
It leaves


Instead the little girl speaks
Who cries, and begs
Please just love me, just give me a chance
Let's do it let's do it, let's do it now
The little girl can't wait
For her dream to begin, so she cries
So she begs
She stews and sits

She emerges triumphant anyway
For Earth is solid, the sky is timeless
She is grace.
She is beautiful.
She stands tall.
She is proud .

Eye of Time

How do you describe what beauty is to you?
Light hangs from the sky, his eyes
Our eyes, lock and lay
I love you, means YOU
Who you are, what you are
How you are, what you do
The sweet gentle grace, that happens
When beauty in the sky, falls
A Soul is beautiful, as it rises and floats
His face is all I can see, sweet
Whole as a Moon, His soul
A beast from the sky
Heaven is here
I will take you in the Meadow
Howl with you
Stay here, come nearer
Happening Forever
Heaven and Here
A green meadow holds beauty
Never grows old, never fades
Love's first kiss never fades
In our minds it holds love
Even after it's long gone and fades
Love again, look at a  meadow
Of beauty and love, Earth's light
Particles floating in air
The light is soft when you look up
The Pines glory is Tall
Beauty in the trees
Love warm and safe
Time holds all, hold on
Love and Time
Earth's timeless Vastness
She holds it all, I hold it all
Me and Time in his eyes

Days and Nights
Inky blue, watching over me
She is here
Timeless, Still
My eyes, they have seen her
The whitest white you can see
Thru a lens, with my eye
With his arm around my waist
Night in a vast place
I looked and I saw the whitest white
Of the Moon, that is Space
She keeps me safe
He keeps me safe
Warm and safe
Created in love, and it we carry
In us, we are time and place
Solid as Earth, we are here
Marveling at the beauty of Space
Our own mind touches beauty
Remembers her in times
When I walk in the Meadow
Of solace
Nature I carry with me
And she carries me
Through
Love
and time

Fyr

Firs
Winter never comes
But through my dreams I see her
Snow white, bright as ice
Solstice moons full as a face painted white
He showed me Earth from Saturn
A spec, unreal
As if we don't exist at all
Insignificant/Special
Amidst the endless blackness space
Dreams through windows seen
Family Family Family
We need to keep on loving
We need to keep the faith
Keep on dreaming, keep on keeping
Keep believing what is true
Shining light, shining white
Thru the pines
In my dreams walking, running
Flying above
Blue and white Vast
As the ocean
Open/Free/Limitless
The air catches me higher
I am everywhere
Earth changes, I am everywhere
I am everywhere, Blue Earth
In dreams, infinite worlds
That could be, every second
Here on God's green earth
White light, keep my soul white
Bathed \ in light
She ( I ) lay in water
Deep as the ocean, yes
At the bottom I lie
I keep, I float
I dream of times unseen
Of my life, and yours
When it comes I cry
Comes pouring forth
From the deepest Love
Deepest part of soul
I know not what these things mean
Only how they feel as they come pouring forth
Why my thoughts are what they are
When I lived in another time, the memories
Are real
I have- may be from here
From another time
Everywhere
Rules of the Universe are hidden
Ice on Mercury
Pondering
Of me of you
Of another time
Of somebody else
A long time ago
I was somebody, but she got lost
Now in the firs and the sunlight
I am coming home, my path bathed in light
I am everywhere, as are you
Thru the forest, the light shining through
Here I am
Found
Bathing in golden light, I am Queen
Just in time to claim my place
In my Kings arms
His blue eyes
His soul pure
Heart warm
I have arrived to take his side
Bathed in Green and light