I used to think....

I used to think that you could only have so much happiness and good in your life, and then something bad would happen to "balance" that. I now know, you can never have too much good. The more good you put the more good you get back. If you cut the crap and negativity out of your life it will go away. It's as simple as that. I love to be happy and upbeat, so I surround myself with people that are, and cut people out of my life that bring me, and others down.

Elation in a sundress

I smited the fat girl inside me today. Still trying on XLXLXLX and going ohhh that looks like a night gown. Hello! The lightbulb in my fat girl brain went on ( or off I should say) Try a large-I told myself(this was certainly a concept for my brain) I can't tell you the last time I wore a L. A MED. fit me perfectly. GO ME! Yes, I did a rockin' you go girl cha - cha dance for myself today. I have been battling with my weight for years and last year( October) enough is enough! Working out, lifting weights, and some small life style changes have helped me drop 30 pounds, so far. It's not about telling myself "NO" You can have it. Just not every night. Skip the potatoes(most of the time) Fruits and veggies.Think superfoods. How many can you eat in one day? Moderation. SO I only worked out twice this week? Building muscle automatically burns more calories, each pound of muscle burns 50 more calories a day then a pound of fat, you burn calories for a few hours with cardio, you burn calories for 72 hours when you do weight training. And, yes I enjoy it. This has been a journey, not a " diet" I have made it a point to educate myself on my health. I don't want to be diagnosed with diabetes. I don't want to be uncomfortable in my clothes.I don't want to have to wear XL. Imagining myself with Madonna arms in my wedding dress doesn't hurt for motivation either:) Baby steps.Small changes. Nothing drastic. It will pay off, it is paying off.

Sap and stuff

As of late, I have been so emotional. I don't know if it is age, or the engagement breaking down my wall. I used to be so jaded. I never cried. Now here I sit, reading a book I have read twenty times and feel tears running down my cheeks at the tenderness of love, at the loss of a loved one at well... pretty much anything. I like it though, I like feeling vulnerable and tender.

How

How do you tell a friend of 20 years that you need a break. That you need them to go away. That they are too much. You don't? You accept the " blame" and let them think that you are doing them a favor. You pay them with kindness. I can't go on with this friendship anymore because you are emotionally abusive too confusing down right mean never take any responsibility for the things you say are taking too much from me too much too much too much. I am starting to HATE you. You walk away. Me, I took my dignity with me. I would rather end it before it gets really ugly. I am on my " cloud" my cloud is on fire it's pink as the Arizona sunset burning hot and I am loving it.

Horrah Age!

I feel like I am coming full circle.I feel like things are finally falling into place. Not just for me, but for everyone that I know. We are all finding what makes us happy and grabbing it and taking it. I think we are all finally at the age where we know how to get what we want, have that maturity that we did not have in our early 20's, know how to articulate our needs...I am loving it! Horrah Aging. Horrah wisdom! Just be honest with yourself, with your surroundings, make the most of what you have and everything good will come your way!

Letting go

Lately I have been letting go. Letting go of worry and letting go of hate. Letting go of anxiety. Just letting things go away. Is this my happy place? I think so. Not so easy to do. Just accept others and myself and I am, as they are. Really what else can you do. You can go through life saying this person needs to be this or this person needs to do that, they need to be more this and less that. You can't do that. Acceptance is HUGE. Once you accept yourself and others as they are, life becomes a beautiful colorful place full of characters. Laugh. Really laugh. Stress is a black ball that lives inside of you and grows and darkens the short time that we do have here. One of my new years resolutions was to not control my enviornment. Yes. Don't worry about that pile of stuff. Don't freak if the medicine cabinet is not shut( I am working on that one:) But really, it came down to not always having to make myself number one, being more complimentary with my friends and family, not nit picking everyones personality. Don't be so hard on yourself. If there is something that you want to change, than work to change it. Realize that this takes time. Real time. Lifetimes. Everyday. Take fear by the horns and ride it in the direction you want it to go, and if it is something that you can let go, than do it! I have to go pack now.

Moves

Geoff and I are going to sign the paperwork on our condo today. Seven months of living apart I have to say that is longest we have ever had our own roofs. We live together -we don't. Let's see we started out living at our respective parents homes, then I moved into that garage senior year, then we moved in with his parents, then I moved back home, then I moved in with his grandma up the street from his parents in Phelan, then I moved back in with him and his parents, then I moved back home, then we moved to LA and each lived with respective roomates, then we moved back in together,I moved back in with my parents and he lived in his Cadillac for three months, then he moved in with his mom, then we moved to Arizona, then he moved back to California for three months and lived with Mike and Jen, then he moved back to Arizona with me, then I moved to California...for like a week, then I told him I wanted him to move out and he moved in with Jack and Marie, then we moved back in together, then I got my own place and he got his own place...Seven months it's been...Now we are moving back in together. I laugh while I write this...we just cannot be apart. I have to say our relationship has been colored with well...moves. The one thing that has been constant despite all this moving is US. No matter where we go, or where we live we have each other. I am sure people that know us think that we are nuts, it just happens that way that has been our life with each other. I wouldn't have it any other way. We have managed to stay together but still give each other the space that we needed to grow as separate people. Not many people can do this. I am excited about moving back in together, but really it is just another page in our book. I do my thing, he does his thing, and we do our thing together. It is just as simple as that.