One Person Army

There is this scared feeling inside of me, that all of the beauty in the world is going to be wiped out by big money.
We keep building fast food restaurants, chain malls, car dealerships, Wal-mart, McDonalds, Jack in the Box-you get the picture. All you have to do is look down the street.  Why do we need so many? The buildings are just ugly, and they are everywhere.
We live on a beautiful planet, yet we cover it with asphalt and Taco bell's. We drink Diet Cancer and Big Mac's. Our grocery stores are stocked with food-that is full of chemicals and is actually giving everyone a nutritional deficit, instead of doing what food is supposed to do, nourish us. Ninety percent of the food that you buy is full of chemicals that a chemist could not identify. Mind numbing, addictive, cancer causing chemicals. Now the government has passed a law saying that they don't have to listen to the advice of scientists. They will hire their own people to approve the effects of the chemicals on people.It's "funny" how quickly the Senate was able to agree on this change.
The main problem is that most people just don't know what they are really consuming. They don't really realize what they are really eating is not really food at all anymore. T.V. tells us what to buy.
Advertisements and the media exist so that people will buy things. The product advertisements give people extremely false impressions.  It seems like guzzling a Pepsi will make you the most beautiful person in the world, or a cool superhero like Batman. Allow me to give you a reality check. You are giving yourself diabetes, making yourself obese and possibly giving yourself cancer.  If they showed someone who had a lost a foot to diabetes on a Pepsi commercial instead of (fill in the blank famous person) that would be more accurate as to the effects of the product. This is clearly not is what is being portrayed.
However, the more people that buy these products the more money the corporations make who are advertising the product.  The more corporations make the more taxes they pay and the taxes go to make the world a better place for the people that are purchasing the goods...right? WRONG. That money goes to make the rich richer and poor sicker and poorer. And, in my opinion the buildings make the world an uglier place.
The health of the world is in trouble.  Look around you. I see humans wiping ourselves out, and the biggest threat that we have is ourselves. The best thing that we can do is educate ourselves and then make different choices. Money does not really make our planet go around, we do. We don't have to live on this planet covered in strip malls we can make things beautiful again.
We can all be our own one person army if we want to be. I am.

Be yourself

"I am different than anyone you will ever meet". This statement could be said about any person on Earth. Yet-we are all the same, we have all experienced happiness and we have all struggled.  We are all ONE. Treat others as you would treat yourself. Be the change that you want to see in this world. That does not necessarily mean doing charity, or going to church everyone. Something as small as a smile transcends language.

Voices in my head

We all have voices in our heads. Yes! Everyone is crazy. These voices are nothing more than our thoughts, though, and nothing to worry about most of the time. I am not talking about schizophrenia right now. Bringing awareness to thought is my goal.  Our thoughts are what drive our actions. Actions make us, and make the world around us. They are what really makes the world go round. So what are our thoughts then? They are the foundation for our actions.

Listen to the Voices

Listen to the voices in your head. Pay attention to what they are saying. Be an outside observer of your thoughts though. Listening without acting gives me the opportunity to analyze what the different voices are saying. Be an outside observer to your thoughts. Acknowledge them. Don't be afraid of them. We cannot help and heal our inner self if we aren't listening to what is really being said in our minds. Listening takes the pressure off. It gives us a real idea of what is going on inside, and then stops feeling like chaos in our mind, because we are just observing.

Our minds do not have to be our prisons. The voices do not have to rule what happens in our life. We have the ability to pick and choose from our thoughts, and make those thoughts reality through our actions. Beliefs are nothing without actions, and actions start with belief.

Different personalities

After listening to what my thoughts were saying. I noticed some different patterns developing. The different "voices", or thoughts that I was having were sometimes intrusive. Unwanted thoughts would creep up all of the time. I wanted to be happy, carefree and enjoying what I was doing...but then these thoughts would come into my mind. They would judge me, judge others, berate me, and even make me afraid sometimes. Other times my thoughts would make me feel happy, or creative or strong. A few times I had very dark thoughts that scared me. I realized that these thoughts were my deepest, darkest fears. Those are always the ugliest voices.
I think that the time in between these thoughts is when we are most in the moment.
I have identified at least three different personalities within my thoughts (wow, that sounds crazy).
They are completely contradictory to each other, which is just great!They are always competing with each other, which makes more stress in my mind.  The silent killer. These thoughts are very real for me. They do affect me. They cause feelings. They do cause stress, high blood pressure, anxiety. Thoughts are invisible, except to the one having them. They cease to be invisible then and take our mind/our brains/our hearts.

One of my personalities is afraid of EVERYTHING. In her mind the boogy man is coming whether it be an animal attack or a rape or a murder. She is always looking over her shoulder. Doom!  She cannot relax, she is afraid all of the time. She is afraid of noises when she is alone. She is afraid of the dark, of being hurt, and dying. She is a terrible hypochondriac, something is always wrong. This voice makes my blood pressure go up. She has caused me the most stress in my life, even as a child.
The second one is the personality that I most relate to, and listen to.She is a bad ass. She has a spine of steel, and is afraid of NOTHING. She is brilliant, and stops at nothing to get what she wants. She is logical, and philosophical.  I like this voice the best. She has a heart of gold, and always wants to do the right thing. She is a goal setter, and she attains these goals. She is successful. This is my goddess self.
The third one is a judgemental nag. She can't let anything go, and constantly tries to talk to me about other people.She brings people I don't like to mind. This voice wants to put me down. She wants drama.  She puts notions in my head, that aren't the truth-reality. I shut this voice down quickly if I can. My least favorite thoughts come from this personality.

We all have different personalities in our thoughts. Look for a pattern in your thoughts, then just listen to them. They don't have to be reality,just observations.

The more you are able to identify and just listen-rather than be these thoughts the more time is spent in the moment. We can act consciously rather than impulsively. This gives us more control over our destinies.  Only then does our true self emerge, and we are truly living. Not just existing in our thoughts.

Goddesses Rising

WE AREN'T GOING TO TAKE IT. NO WE AREN'T GOING TO TAKE IT!!! Females are not going to take sexism any longer. We will not be told that we cannot make the same wages as men for the same job. We are not going to be told not to wear something because it's too sexy. Too sexy for who? The men? Or wear this, it's sexy. Again? For who? We won't be told we can't do anything. Because you know what? We will do it, and we will do it better.  All sexists just stand back. Stand back and stare. Try and stop us.
The goddesses are rising. We have been growing stronger and stronger- while you have been sitting around with your hands in your pants. We have been rising quietly from the waters of equality. Now we have risen.
The more times that you try and keep a woman down, the more she will get back up. Each time this happens, she grows stronger. So keep your hand on our ass, keep your eyes on our breasts. While you have been distracted with your cock and balls in your hand, we have been taking over the world.
We haven't been walking around with the same sense of entitlement that you men have. We have had to work for equal rights. Woman have fought for their rights for as long as civilization has existed. Men have expected woman to bear the children, take care of the children, lay on there backs and make more children and...well let's be honest...woman take care of most everything else as well. So, we have laid here. We have been bearing your children and caring for your homes and you. We have fed you and nurtured you with our breasts. No woman ever came from a man's body.  We have just made things better all around.
Now, add in the facts. In the last century women have also entered the workplace and the political arena. Yet, despite the fact that tons of woman have been doing great things we are still looked at as less competent than the men. By the men. Anything you can do, we can do better.
I am not saying that men don't do great things as well. That they cannot be the nurtures of the children, and hold down a job. I am married to this man. I am talking about the majority.  There are plenty of men that I have great respect for.
Woman have to work to be noticed and then they have to work to be respected and taken seriously. Sexy clothes are worn to get mens attention and also to distract them.  Also, to compete with other woman. Being "sexy" is a double edged sword sometimes.  Sexy clothes draw the eyes of men and women alike. A beautiful woman will make you stop and stare.  Women have been raped for their beauty. Women fear for their beauty when they go out in public. I have been undressed by a mans disrespecting eyes more than once. I have been afraid to walk down an alley. Men do not live with this feeling.
Women are constantly challenging one another and themselves, they do this unconsciously and consciously.  The constant challenge that we place on ourselves to take care of this family, this home, earn this paycheck, get equal wages, vote, look good, avoid getting ogled or even raped, and even go to school have only made woman evolve into something stronger. We ARE goddesses rising, and this is only the natural evolution or things. Creating a "rape culture", or over sensationalizing sex in the media is not going to stop women from being equal. The media loves to bring a distraction, that is part of  how our "big brother" culture operates.
I have no doubt that we are going to have a woman president. In fact, I just have a feeling that the time is coming soon. Woman are rising and they are also being persecuted for their good deeds all over the world. Sorry guys, we aren't going to lie on our backs for you anymore, and keep quiet. See us rising gloriously from the waters. Hear our siren calls.

Cloud shapes

Inner peace is an endless horizon.
Lavender blue and periwinkle skies-
stacks of white slowly floating by.
It is surreal to watch them, so grand- so high.
I daydream, and they become shapes.
It looks like the gates of heaven have opened.
Heralding angels fill the sky.
The meadow is glittering like emeralds,
white sunlight beams through the clouds,
lulling me to sleep in a gentle dream.

Father

Today I decided to call my biological Father. I wanted Andy to "meet" him. I have not seen him for about ten years, and before that I hadn't seen him since I was very little.I have not spoken with him since the last time I saw him.
We haven't always had the closest relationship, you could say--since he put my sisters and I in foster care while my Mom was having brain surgery. My opinion of him up to today was that he brings new meaning to the word "bastard," and who could blame me, after what happened...my whole life.
I don't know why I have always wanted to know him, I guess it's because he made me. I had a loving Father growing up. He took care of me, and loved me. So why this attraction to Val(Valentino)?
I think that it goes beyond knowing that I look like him, and probably act like him...even if I don't know him--really.
The phone call went like this:
"Hello" (him).
"Hi, is this Val?" (even thought I knew it was).
"Hi Val, this is your daughter, Farra".
"Who?"
"Farra...your daughter".
"Oh! Farra!"

Followed by, what was surprisingly, a nice chat. I found him sweet and easy to talk to. He was not rambling on as much as the last time that I spoke to him-about the War (WW2), old Italy, past mistakes. He seemed to be in the moment and genuinely happy to hear from me. He told me repeatedly that he thought of me all of the time.  He shared valuable information with me about my genealogy, family medical history and told me some about my Mom when she was young.
He turned 80 on April 3rd, but he was able to use a cell phone easily to get me a number and seemed coherent. Although he did say that senility was creeping up on him.
He told me that a Fuoco trait is to be friendly and charming--diplomatic. He told me that my biological half sister Shirley was that way, as is he.
He told me that my Great Grandmother--his Mother's last name, was Brunetti (Bruno) which originates from the word "brown" because of there brown complexions.  They were the second wealthiest family in the "village," (Florence in the 1100's-1200's and then Palermo in 1282). This information is very valuable to me. I have always had questions about who I am, and where I came from. Who am I?
He told me that he had a psychiatrist appointment. He told me that he had PTSD from being put into a boxcar during the war. I felt bad for him. I could tell that he was still carrying a lot of guilt around with him. Things that he had done, and things that he had not done. Things that he did and did not have control over.
He told me that my Mom used to like to smoke joints and that he didn't like it. He told me that she was his psychiatrist, and that she was too beautiful to resist. The way that he said he didn't really know what he was doing with my Mom for 10(13) years while he was married etc. made me think that I got the chemical imbalance that I have from him-- and that he needs to quit lying and making excuses. He is either senile, or he has lied so many times that he does not remember the truth.
He asked if he could call me, and I told him that he could. Part of me feels guilty--to my Mom and to my Dad. But I believe in forgiveness. I believe that there is enough Love for everyone. I don't want to live my life in fear anymore. That means I am not going to NOT do something, out of fear of what someone else will think. I don't love my Dad any less, if I allow myself to love and forgive my biological Father---and that is that.
He told me that he loves me and I said the same at the end of the call.
In conclusion, I am glad that I called.

New day

The dawn is silent.
While we are sleeping,
the sun is waking.
I contemplate the silence for a moment,
and celebrate in my heart the coming of a new day.
I pray for peace for all that are suffering,
and the continuation of happiness for those not.
This moment is right now,
and each second propels us
into the future.
My heart rejoices for this day.
The simple pleasures that await.
A friend,
a meal,
my family.
Welcome new day,
I embrace all that you bring.

Oil and Hamburger Helper

We need a revolution. Most people that I know care about our planet. But it seems that the people that are in political control care more about the dollars in their pockets then our planet Earth. Why are we still producing gasoline powered vehicles?  We have already established that we can make electric or even hybrid vehicles. But oil is lucrative, not electricity.
If you go to the grocery store in America the shelves are stocked with food-food that is filled with cancer causing preservatives. We have already established that this is harmful to people. It makes them stupider, it causes cancer, it causes birth defects. Why doesn't our food come with warning labels? Why are we still producing it.
WE aren't! Greedy corporations, politicians and the FDA are not the ones eating the hamburger helper, yet they are the ones feeding us it in bulk.  It is the middle class that is being fed the shit so that the ones in control can have more money.
It would certainly help if the ones in control, the ones making the decisions were more trustworthy.It would help the people and our planet if these people would take a step back and actually CARE about people.. I don't feel that they do.
I feel that we are overproducing a bunch of shit.
We NEED change!!

How to be Happy

How to be Happy

Make time to be around other humans.

(in person)

Find out what YOU actually like to do.

(find time to do it)

Laugh as much as possible.

(Look for funny stuff, and you will find it)

Be in Nature.

Be around animals.

Be around kids.

(they teach you how to be unselfish)

My Tree

My tree is majestic and beautiful;
her leaves blow gracefully,
whispering a song with the wind.
A sound as light as air-
if you want to hear you have to listen.
My tree is wise and knows the secret of life.
Do not fight the wind, let it blow around you.
She is pregnant with fruit,
orbs ripe, bursting with juice. 
A feast for the birds, the bugs and the human.
Rooted to the Earth she stands tall,
her trunk never sways-
not even for the strongest storm.

Hurt

The first time that I remember being aware of what it meant to get hurt I was under five years old. I was at my cousins house and we were playing in the grass in the back yard. We decided to play with the sprinkler, which was stored in a shed, on the uppermost shelf. The Rainbow sprinkler was metal and when you turned it on, it made a rainbow in the spray.
I climbed up on top of something and reached for it (I can see this memory clearly in my mind, as if it was yesterday). I grasped the sprinkler and pulled it towards myself--right towards my face. The next thing I knew I had a gash in my forehead and my Aunt Faith was doctoring the wound.
Prior to this incident, I had been hurt but I had not become aware of what "getting hurt" meant or even was. So, when I reached for the sprinkler I had one thought. To get it down, and play with it. There was no fear that I would become injured, because that concept did not exist to me yet.
To me, this incident was significant. I remember being conscience of what it means to feel pain.
I feel like most of my life I have spent being very self aware. Even as a child I worried about getting hurt. This is burdensome to me sometimes.Other times I think that it helps me to be more careful with other people's feeling and beings. I don't want anyone to feel pain, emotional or physical.
Fear causes me irrational anxiety. I fear getting hurt and I fear someone I love being hurt. I tend to spend a lot of time in solitude thinking and then worrying and then praying. I pray for people I love, and I pray for people that I hate. I have spent many hours fearing imminent death, even when I am just sitting or showering.  I have allowed the fear of being hurt stop me from giving my whole heart to another person; and I pray that these walls around my heart will fully come down again some day so that I can live without irrational fear.

Salty Plums

I grew up in a very religious household. Several times each week my Mom would sit with me and my sisters and study the Bible. When we were very little, it would be more picture drawing and more stories about Jesus. As we got older the messages would be more adult.
Our Bible studies would include stories that included the messages like masturbation was wrong in God's eyes and that we should be ready for the day when God would bring about a new Earth, in the form of Armageddon.  They also included attending meetings three times a week, for hours. The fellowship was what I always enjoyed the most. I fit in and made friends; but gradually my rebellion, will and guiding forces that put those feelings into me pulled my mind in other directions. By the time I was twelve I told my Mom that I did not want to attend. It has and continues to be a goal of my Moms to encourage me to attend since this time when I was twelve to now.

When I was eleven I was molested. When I finally disclosed this to my Mother a year later I was told that it was a "dream," and sent out of the room while my parents discussed it with members of our religion. It took me until I was twenty years old to forgive my parents for this incident. It changed who I was at that time. I was a teenage girl who did not know how to change the way that I felt or even recognize it. Needless to say, I was very wild and sexually promiscuous at a young age. Ditching school was a daily event--to hang out with friends.  This was at fourteen and fifteen years old. While I thought nothing of using drugs or sneaking alcohol I was still very bright. I excelled at school-making honor roll and participating in my schools journalism program.
When I got suspended from school in eighth grade for selling drugs at school the Principal told my Mom that I should be a lawyer and that I had saved myself from expulsion. I was also suspended for fighting.
When I was put on prescriptions(Zoloft, Trazadone and eventually Paxil) for my behaviour they made me even more carefree. I was eventually removed from school and home schooled. I know now at this time that my Mom did not know what to do with me, and in her mind she was doing what she thought was best for me the entire time. I did end up graduating with my class.

When I was twenty I forgave my parents for doing this to me. I decided that I wanted to have a relationship with them, and that I did indeed love them. From that point on, I knew that the decisions that I were making where mine and mine alone to make. I did not have the incident from my childhood to blame any more. I could not bring myself to forgive the religious organization, yet. I had no interest in the teachings, or the people.
I always felt guilty. I always felt like I was apologizing to God, no matter what I was doing. It was wrong, because I wasn't doing what I was "supposed to be doing". I was also very young, so at the time, I was not even able to process the feelings of guilt as being just that. It truly was guilt, and I was sure that I was sinning every moment that I was living just by leading the lifestyle that I was living.
The result of these feelings was that I had very low self esteem. Like I said, I see that now. I often wish that the me that I am now could go shake the me that I was in my twenties. It's funny, because life doesn't work like that. It happened and it can't unhappen.
I have my own relationship with God now. I realized that I had all along, and all along he was with me. Keeping me safe in situations that were not safe. I don't feel guilty for what I am not doing any longer, I feel free. 


This is part of my story.

04-02-14

I like to take the time to listen to the wind in the trees for a moment. To look at the world around me and really see it, really be in it.
It seems like when I am in the moment, just being, I notice so much more going on around me.  This morning I was sitting on the back porch. Just thinking and listening to the wind blow through the trees.
I am always trying to be in the moment, but sometimes all of the other crap in my head starts going off and before I know it I am not paying attention to the moment I am in, but thinking of this and that and the other thing.
The voices in my head judge-they tell me to judge myself and to judge others. The voice tells me what I am doing is wrong or right. I try not to spend too much time with this person in my head, this voice.
While I was sitting on the porch this morning, I noticed that our lemon tree was growing some new branches, about half way down the trunk. The new buds were bright green, a lot brighter than the rest of the tree. For some reason they made me think of new babies. Is all life the same? What if we all treated trees with the same reverence as any other life? If you think about it, they bring us life, they are the air we breath. Yet, we cut them down to make more things that we don't really need.
The wind blowing through the trees sounded like whispers, whispers that only I could hear-because I was the only one listening to them. Everything around me was alive, and meaningful to my existence. Everything came to life for me in the most beautiful way this morning in the moment.

Inner child

Do you remember when you were a child? The world is an unknown place. A child does not fear what they don't know. They look to the world with a sense of curiosity and wonderment instead.
What we are is what we have been made. Children are being made into adults. Young men are becoming men and young women are becoming women.
We are all scarred and wounded, somehow. As adults we realize this.
We must revisit the place within ourself, our inner child, to heal the wounds that found us when we were young. We must face that child within ourself, hug them and tell them that everything is going to be okay. They will be okay.