Since

Since I have quit smoking I have still wanted to smoke. Since I stopped eating so much I have lost some weight. Since I have quit being Negative I have become more postive. Since I have quit obsessing I have had more brain time.Since I have been meditating I have been calmer. Since I have quit analyzing I have become less analytical. Where has this gotten me? At the dead end of a road..where is there to go when you quit curving. When your life becomes a straight line? When you do all the things that you set out to do? I have to go make a mess. I don't know what yet, but I will. Hahaha.

Changes

This year I have made a lot of changes for myself...all good ones. For starters I quit smoking.I did not even give it a day...couldn't tell you the day I quit It has been like two months. I feel good about this-the cigarettes needed to go..they were stressing me out. Will I get cancer? AM I going to look older than my friends that are the same age and don't smoke? Blahblah blah plus they were expensive.SO I gave myself a $$Raise$$ and quit. Leading to another healthy decision...I don't want to gain weight when I quit so I have made it a point to work out 5 days a week since.I look f#*`*ing good.MMMKKAY...The better I feel I start to look the more time I want to invest. Not obsession,but yeah I want to wear my jeans. SO the working out has led to another healthy habit, you work out you eat what you want you maintain, you tighten up...but you want your ass( well I want my ass) to look smoking ( because I am not smoking) in jeans so I started eating healthy. I feel good lately folks. OH..and I am getting braces..now that I have a couple extra bucks$$ to fix my gap teeth. Not that I have ever felt that they were a huge problem, but well, one of my regular customers( who incidently is a famous orthodontist and author) is footing most of the bill for me. Well- that was a deal that I couldn't pass up. I feel like EVERYTHING is on a major upswing for me right now. OHOHHOHOOH I also found the perfect perfect perfect condo for Geoffrey and I to live in in MARCH!! When we move back in together.....Honestly, It Scares ME...When everything is UP there is only one place to go. DOWN.I am just going to enjoy this upswing for right now though. I will deal with DOWN when it comes.

Really

I'm bored and I have a lot on my mind lately.
I feel like I have all the answers. But nobody has the answers for me. Answers for my lifes questions and conundrums. Everyone is always too buisy, and I am always too buisy with everyone elses problems too address my own feelings about things that are bugging me. 99.9% of the time this works to my advantage in that my own minor problems end up being just that, minor and they just go away if I don't turn them into issues.
The least I can do for myself right now is address the minor issues by writing them down.
I don't really know how minor they really are, and if I write them down they will cease to be minor and I will have to confront them...dammit.
I want more time for myself outside of the house doing something that will enrich me. The only problem with this is then my house falls apart(thanks mom) and there fore I feel like I need to be on top of things 100 percent of the time which isn't fair. For example. Not to bitch but yes, to bitch. I am sick for a few days and the dishwasher can't get emptied. UM. Hello Geoffrey. I need to have a talk with him about this but first I need to find out what I want to do for some sort of extra curricular type enriching experience. I am such a homebody and a loner.
Second. I have to stop giving all my time to Cheyanne unless she wants to go do something other than just hanging out at her house talking. It is non-productive. I am broke, is not an exuse that is going to fly because you have plenty of money to do plenty of other stuff. That's all.

"I"

I hate getting bad news on answering machines
I hate people who drive slow because there talking on there cell phone.
I hate it when people abandon there friendships.
I hate birds, especially pigeons and crows.
I hate racism.
I hate it when animals who are loved die.
I hate being sick. It's annoying.
I hate it when people take people for granted.
I hate the sound of a baby crying.
I hate long boring books.
I hate people who hate everything, and nothing is ever good enough.
I hate the smell of Papayas.
I hate waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.
I hate it when people scream into the phone.
I hate heavy metal.
I hate arrogance.
I hate my neighbors upstairs.
I hate it when people complain to complain.
I hate it when people talk about commiting suicide all the time, and never do it.
I hate LIES.
I hate a bad hair cut.
I hate it when my house is dirty.
I hate feeling old.
I love any kind of weather inclement or calm.
I love books of any kind.
I love making love.
I love my bed.
I love hot tea.
I love things that are beautiful.
I love poems.
I love for people to tell me there feelings.
I love secrets.
I love my job.
I love my Geoffrey.
I love my mom.
I love my friends, even if we are oh so different sometimes.
I love to drink beer.
I love my nasty cigarettes.
I love baths.
I love pools.
I love the sun.
I love to sleep and dream.
I love the wisdom that I have.
I love my house.
I love my cats.
I love to cook.
I love to talk.
I love to read.
I love to reminisce.
I love my dictionary.
I love breakfast.
I love to cuddle.
I love to laugh so hard.
I love the ocean.
I love the desert sky.
I love my sisters.
I love my memories.
I love the life that I have had.

It's hard being a boy

About a month or so ago, Geoff told me " Don't make any plans for me on Saturday, April 11th" Like I ever make plans for him. Being the car aficionado that he is he is planning on going to a once a year event that he looks forward to sponsored by his favorite car magazine blahblahblah. Anyway, I know that he is super stoked to go with his close friend and fellow car aficionado( I had to look that up for spelling so I want to use it as much as possible to pay off for my hard work) Rob. Who is with Tina( madly in love with) Who is coincidentally one of my dearest and nearest friends. Let me get to the point. Boys are primitive when it comes to telling there friends how they really feel. Rob decides to go out to California to see his lover-girl that weekend. Instead of telling Geoff. " Hey, I am going to California to see Tina that weekend" When he found out he was going to California that weekend, he avoids him at work and starts acting " strangely" ( By Geoffs account) Me, being sensitive to Geoff loves for cars ( NOTE the sarcasm) does not put 2+2 together that the weekend Rob is going to see Tina is the weekend of the revered once a year car show, and just thinks that Rob is acting strangely. I attribute the strangeness to his head being in the clouds with his love( or up his ass, or up her ass ahahahahaah) When Geoff finally finds out that Rob is not going with him this weekend, he is upset. Sad. Butthurt. But mostly sad. I can see it in his face, hear it in his voice. He was really really looking forward to this, that they had planned quiet a while ago event. Understandably, plus Rob is his only friend. We are driving around doing errands yesterday, and I say to him, " Well, can't you just tell Rob that you are upset and that you really wanted to go with him. " Appanantly that would break some sort of male code. " No" he says, " I am going to punch him in the stomach and say " knock it off shit head." It's hard being a boy isn't it? Yes he says. Ultimately, even though I really don't want to, I am going to the car show with him this Saturday, it's hours of walking around looking at cars and smelling gasoline, but for him, I would do anything.

Donut icing Dirt

Lately I have been having some very strange dreams. A couple of nights ago I had a dream that someone( a face less voice) was telling we that I had one week to live...one week. I was going to die in one week and it just kept telling me that. Followed in the same dream by a man that I had never seen before walking around with a sawed off foot. It looked like a piece of steak with a bone. Gross. Needless to say, I have been thinking about this dream a lot. Since I like to obsess, and worry and act like I don't worry. What if this is my last week on earth? Am I spending it wisely. Who knows? I am just going about my business like I always do with my life and my day to day activities. Loving Geoffrey. Spending time with my friends. Making dinner for people. Working. Sleeping. Playing with my cats? Wondering every day where is my fucked up Monkey? What else could I do? It was just a dream. Second dream, and this is such a fat girl dream. I am on a hill. Licking it. Yes licking it, because the earth is made of donut icing and has candy eggs in little piles. There is also a hot tub that you can sit in. Same dream second part. I am in a big city that I have never been to before, I am walking. I buy a bottle of lotion. I am walking around with this economy size bottle of lotion looking for a place to masturbate. Frusturated, I cannot find a place. I have to say. Thoughts of these dreams have been amusing me all week.

Where have all the Cowboys gone?

There is something that has been troubling me lately. When does a friend stop being a friend? Anyone that knows me knows that I don't throw the word " friend" around lightly. My friends have been my friends for years. I have trouble making new friends, true friends because I choose my friends with my heart, people that I know will be there for me and I for them no matter what. It takes time to cultivate a friendship, a true friendship with someone and then invest the time to keep the friendship healthy. This is kind of hard for me to write because I feel as I have been written off as a friend without so much of an explanation as to why.... this is not something that I have ever dealt with. I do not understand it. I have (had???) a friend that I have known for about 7 or 8 years. We met while I was in cooking school, we lived together...we talked on the phone frequently after I moved to Arizona, he moved to Arizona at one point and then to Portland, Oregon. Through all of this we remained close through the phone and internet. I was perfectly happy with this. A friend does not have to be someone that you see, and we always had plenty to talk about. He is my Monkey, and someone that I have always cared about very very much. He always knows what to say to make me laugh, at times he has accused me of only talking about myself, and I don't deny that this is probably true, but I only craved his wisdom and insight into matters. I don't think that I would be who I am today without him. ...we laughed harder than we have ever laughed at things..the kind of laugh that you can't stop no matter how hard you try. I could go on and on and on about us. He is also a bit of a flake. Okay, I am being too generous a huge flake. For about a year he has been telling me that he is moving to Arizona..then he told me that he was in Arizona, then he told me that he was on the road. I know he thinks that I don't listen to him when he talks, but I got the feeling that he was telling me a Tall Tale when he told me that he got Black Mammy dishes on his travels. Now, I know for a fact that he told me he had gotten Black Mammy dishes about a year before when he was on vacation. Well, the Black Mammy dishes aren't the point. I guess for my part I am guilty of not being one hundred percent honest and calling him out on his bull. I know that he is not moving to Arizona, I don't honestly think that he ever had any intention of moving to Arizona...so why carry on the lie for a year or more. Again, as a true friend, I should have called him out on this bullshit. But what would be the point, I don't know if it is the truth or not??? That is what it boils down to with me...is a person truly your friend if you don't really know if they are telling the truth or not? Do you really know the person? Can you call a person that you don't really know your true friend. I honestly don't give a fuck if he moves to Arizona I mean that would be great because we could hang out and stuff, but I was also happy just having him in my life to talk to and share our lives with. I am not huge on the fact that I am sitting here blogging about this, but shit, he will NOT answer my calls...call me ...not so much as a message on my space or facebook, for whatever that would be worth. I feel myself drifting further and further away from him and no body and no one can do anything about it. It's not something that I can open up to about with my other friends, because they just don't know him the way I do. I know that in the past he has dropped people in his life with no explanation...the next chapter comes and they are not invited to read it.. but I never expected that he would do that to me..I just didn't see it coming. I hope that if he reads this he will atleast call me and say " Hey, I was a shit, you are more important to me than that." He knows that I am the type of person that needs closure...although I hope if he calls it is not to do that..an apology for being a shit, or atleast tell me if I was a shit.....would be great because I miss him. I miss him a lot.

AWE

Sometimes I sit and wonder if this love I have, this love so perfect in everyway will be taken away from me. I worry( briefly, not all day) every morning that something will happen and he will be taken away. Is that why it is so perfect, this love of mine, that I will only be granted it for a short time? Every time we kiss it's like some sick sappy romantic movie and I have to stop myself from gasping is this really happening? Just being together and talking still and laughing and knowing that we are both 500 percent for each other and no one else, the non- fighting, well mabey over the brand of hand soap that we use...( hahaahah) I know I shouldn't sit and wonder if it will be forever and not go away, but aren't bubbles supposed to pop, don't you get to the end of the rainbow and find no pot of gold. How did I get so lucky? I literally feel pity for others that do not have this, and I cannot talk about it. ....why don't you ever talk about it? Why don't you have anything to say. I feel like I would be gloating there is no other way to describe this relationship of mine. Why was I spared the heart ache? Why do I have to wisdom to carry on this perfect union? I don't know...I was just granted it. I am sure there are others that carry on the same way with a celebration of there love, but I know only mine. Everything else on this earth pales in comparison to his face his composition, and I am loved the same. It scares me that we are only human and not mortals. I need to be mortal. I need him to be mortal. I need us to carry on forever, a lifetime would not be enough together, we could easily go on for several. Easily. I know I am being greedy. I know that is too much to ask. I know that it could not be granted. But I want it. This one will have to be enough. I have no other choice. We are one, different but the same. We laugh every single day. We love like we are still 18( well it's way hotter now:)) Phhhhhhhhhewwwwwwww. I am just in awe of my love.

New

New work stuff. I know I live for my job. I love it though. I am at a new store now. I went back to being a "floating" manager, instead of being at a permanent store. But I love the 2 stores that I am floating at...love love love them. Everybody there is really hard working and does there job. I feel like I am in such a better place. I don't have to deal with dealing with the white power and the leaving in the middle of the day and the always asking me to lie like I did with my old GM. I can just go and do my job the way that I was trained to do it. I have to admit I was getting a little bit disheartened with the situation that I was in, but my attitude and mood are improving more and more everyday. Not to say that any situation is perfect, but atleast I don't have to feel like my work ethics and my integrity are being challenged.
Geoffrey's mother is coming in tonight to pick up this antique roll top desk that we acquired when she was going to move to Scottland. I like it, but it really is useless and takes up too much room in our living room and we can't use our fireplace which sucks because it is cold and I want to build a fire. My parents are coming out at the end of the month and we are moving into our remodeled apartment next week, I can't wait but I really need to start packing........blucky. Foo. Oh well. Well. I am sure this was a boring blathering diatribe, but whatevaaaaa I write what I want.