Donut icing Dirt

Lately I have been having some very strange dreams. A couple of nights ago I had a dream that someone( a face less voice) was telling we that I had one week to live...one week. I was going to die in one week and it just kept telling me that. Followed in the same dream by a man that I had never seen before walking around with a sawed off foot. It looked like a piece of steak with a bone. Gross. Needless to say, I have been thinking about this dream a lot. Since I like to obsess, and worry and act like I don't worry. What if this is my last week on earth? Am I spending it wisely. Who knows? I am just going about my business like I always do with my life and my day to day activities. Loving Geoffrey. Spending time with my friends. Making dinner for people. Working. Sleeping. Playing with my cats? Wondering every day where is my fucked up Monkey? What else could I do? It was just a dream. Second dream, and this is such a fat girl dream. I am on a hill. Licking it. Yes licking it, because the earth is made of donut icing and has candy eggs in little piles. There is also a hot tub that you can sit in. Same dream second part. I am in a big city that I have never been to before, I am walking. I buy a bottle of lotion. I am walking around with this economy size bottle of lotion looking for a place to masturbate. Frusturated, I cannot find a place. I have to say. Thoughts of these dreams have been amusing me all week.

Where have all the Cowboys gone?

There is something that has been troubling me lately. When does a friend stop being a friend? Anyone that knows me knows that I don't throw the word " friend" around lightly. My friends have been my friends for years. I have trouble making new friends, true friends because I choose my friends with my heart, people that I know will be there for me and I for them no matter what. It takes time to cultivate a friendship, a true friendship with someone and then invest the time to keep the friendship healthy. This is kind of hard for me to write because I feel as I have been written off as a friend without so much of an explanation as to why.... this is not something that I have ever dealt with. I do not understand it. I have (had???) a friend that I have known for about 7 or 8 years. We met while I was in cooking school, we lived together...we talked on the phone frequently after I moved to Arizona, he moved to Arizona at one point and then to Portland, Oregon. Through all of this we remained close through the phone and internet. I was perfectly happy with this. A friend does not have to be someone that you see, and we always had plenty to talk about. He is my Monkey, and someone that I have always cared about very very much. He always knows what to say to make me laugh, at times he has accused me of only talking about myself, and I don't deny that this is probably true, but I only craved his wisdom and insight into matters. I don't think that I would be who I am today without him. ...we laughed harder than we have ever laughed at things..the kind of laugh that you can't stop no matter how hard you try. I could go on and on and on about us. He is also a bit of a flake. Okay, I am being too generous a huge flake. For about a year he has been telling me that he is moving to Arizona..then he told me that he was in Arizona, then he told me that he was on the road. I know he thinks that I don't listen to him when he talks, but I got the feeling that he was telling me a Tall Tale when he told me that he got Black Mammy dishes on his travels. Now, I know for a fact that he told me he had gotten Black Mammy dishes about a year before when he was on vacation. Well, the Black Mammy dishes aren't the point. I guess for my part I am guilty of not being one hundred percent honest and calling him out on his bull. I know that he is not moving to Arizona, I don't honestly think that he ever had any intention of moving to Arizona...so why carry on the lie for a year or more. Again, as a true friend, I should have called him out on this bullshit. But what would be the point, I don't know if it is the truth or not??? That is what it boils down to with me...is a person truly your friend if you don't really know if they are telling the truth or not? Do you really know the person? Can you call a person that you don't really know your true friend. I honestly don't give a fuck if he moves to Arizona I mean that would be great because we could hang out and stuff, but I was also happy just having him in my life to talk to and share our lives with. I am not huge on the fact that I am sitting here blogging about this, but shit, he will NOT answer my calls...call me ...not so much as a message on my space or facebook, for whatever that would be worth. I feel myself drifting further and further away from him and no body and no one can do anything about it. It's not something that I can open up to about with my other friends, because they just don't know him the way I do. I know that in the past he has dropped people in his life with no explanation...the next chapter comes and they are not invited to read it.. but I never expected that he would do that to me..I just didn't see it coming. I hope that if he reads this he will atleast call me and say " Hey, I was a shit, you are more important to me than that." He knows that I am the type of person that needs closure...although I hope if he calls it is not to do that..an apology for being a shit, or atleast tell me if I was a shit.....would be great because I miss him. I miss him a lot.