I've been hearing this, or variations of this lately. In fact, it has come up on three different occasions, from three different people, in varying circumstances.
" He/she hasn't changed at all, they are still the same person they were where we were married."
"I realized that she was the same, and that it wasn't going to work."
"He has to change, if it is going to work."
REALLY?????????
Is it really reasonable, or logical even, to expect someone to CHANGE WHO THEY ARE, in order to make a relationship work?
The "making" a relationship work portion of that also bothers me, but I will address that later.
Change who you are?
I can expect something reasonable, like "You spend to much money, you need to spend more time with me, you need to drink less..etc" These things are interchangeable and habit orientated. The big stuff, like someone being disloyal, selfish, being a liar, having a large ego, sense of humor, being smart, being slow, being healthy, or unhealthy physically , being skinny, being fat,being ugly or being beautiful-these are things that make up a persons physical make up, things that make up there character. These are not things that can be changed- for the most part. Of course, a person can change. I myself have personally seen extensive and beautiful change in a person .But it takes years, and it is a PERSONAL JOURNEY. To expect someone to make these changes, with the pressure of " IF you don't do this this and this, then this relationship is not going to work" is not only stressful, It should also be unnecessary . These changes need to happen before said person enters a relationship.
First of all, who would want to be in a relationship where change is demanded?
Secondly, according to my analysis, people don't generally change.
Just saying. People are who they are. I have also found that the problems a person has in the FIRST THREE MONTHS of the relationship are the problems that will continue into the relationship. DUH.
If someone cheats in the first part of your relationship, they are probably a cheater.
If you catch them in a lie, they are probably a liar.
If they spend too much money, or act irresponsibly with it, they probably have a money problem.
If they seem controlling they probably are.
Gee, what a concept.
Now, I did not come to these conclusions without having some relationship hardship in my own life. An eye opening experience, so to speak.
This is what that BULLSHIT taught me: to be real. Be so real, that the person you are with, will either run screaming in the other direction, or love you for who you really, really are. Character flaws and all. This eliminates the need for change later on. Seeing the other person for who they really, really are, also eliminated the need for the fictitious change as well.
It also eliminates the need to "bury your head in the sand" another option, if you don't feel like confronting.
The point is this. We shouldn't need to ask the person we are with to CHANGE. If it doesn't work, the way they are, then it's not going to work. There is no point in trying to "Make" it work either, because if it's not supposed to work, and we keep trying to fit that nasty square peg into that nasty round hole the universe will decide for us, and that Mother does not play around.
I guess I want to share, mainly because I have had these realizations the past year and am now in a NO bull relationship where I know we are 100 percent honest and 100 percent committed to having a healthy relationship. I want people who I love to know, that there is hope for love, even when it feels like the blackest hole with no light, the saddest sad with no hope. That we don't have to make excuses to be loved. We can be who we are. We can bare our soul and still be loved, and if you do bare your soul, and the person turns away, they weren't meant to be:=)
