Thoughts and Lately

The demons I face chase me
Everyday
I face the sun
New day
The courage it takes
To make life shine
Take little
Give so much
Easy it would be
Take to the trees
Myself
I find
In silence
It's key
In taking in each breath
Each challenge
I face
I drag through the swamp
Decisions weigh
Heavy on my mind
Just let things be
Angry winds push thoughts
Thoughts of negativity
Towards me
Master of rejection
Delusion
Or Illusion
Courage Doesn't run
Faces each bend
Each branch
Each vine
Pushed deep into the earth
Deep into evil
Read this recently
Processing thoughts
Lately
All I seem to want to see
The words in front of me

Only the lies of our neighbors
Only what we choose to believe
The thoughts of others
The advice of some
My mother
Friend
Lover
Dreams
Wake up each day
New
Cold
What do we take with us
Ourselves
Thats it
Love yourself
Self worth
Aloft
Only than
Can we really see
From up above
Looking down at yourself
What
I
really
Means
Thanks Nietzche

TIME

EVERYDAY
SHAPE
IT TAKES
WHATEVER THAT MAY BE
TIME MAKES IT
TAKE IT'S OWN TIME
HA
MADE A LAUGH
REST YOUR SOUL AT NIGHT
IF YOU TAKE THE TIME TO BE
LOOSE
EASE THE PRESSURE INSIDE OUT
PRESSURE FROM LIFE OUTSIDE PENETRATING THE INSIDE MIND
FROM DAY
LIFE
FEELS GOOD AND STUFF
WINK*
TO HOT
RELAXING IT'S REAL
JUST BREATH
ONLY SO MUCH IN YOUR TIME
IN YOUR TIME
ROUND
AGAIN
AGAIN
AGAIN
SNAP
HERES REALITY
AGAIN
KEEP MY ATTENTION
SNAP
DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN
SHALL WE GO AGAIN
AROUND AGAIN
SWIRLING FASTER
FASTER
THEN SLOWER
NO CONTROL
OF WHICH YOU KNOW
SO NO
IT'S NOT YOURS TO OWN
WHY IS A CLOCKS FACE ROUND?
WHY DOES TIME SPIN AROUND
AROUND
AROUND
NEVER STOPPING
THAT'S ME
THAT'S MY LOVE
ENERGY BREATH
LOVE FOR ALL
NOT JUST ONESELF
THAT'S MY TIME AND HOW I CHOOSE TO HAVE IT
UNIVERSAL
REALLY
FOR ALL
FOR YOU FOR ME FOR EVERY OBJECT THAT FLOATS IN SPACE THIS PLANT THIS PLACE THIS HOUSE THIS CAR A TREE A FLOWER EACH TIME IT KEEPS ON SPINNING SPINNING SPINNING SPINNING SPINNING SPINNING
SPINNING
TAKING PLACE

TIGHT

Threads woven
Slowly tight
Friendship grows
Takes nothing
But time
Always
Hiding Nothing
Takes time
To grow Trust
Older threads
Fray
Let them stay
MAKE YOU
Circle
Never complete
Around it goes
Again Again
Each Rotation
The Moon makes
Spinning in it's own Time
Your life
Your friends
Bend and Flex
That's how you give and take
Life's pulse
Keeps beating
In time
With your blood
Your soul
You love
You Hate
Don't despise
Just dislike
Destiny and Fate
Universe
Above
Gives

A simple Dream

So tired
Sleep
A dream
A delicacy
Each hour Spent
Fetal
Alone in my mind
Rejuvenate
My thoughts
Recharge my brain
A different place
Each person
From before
Now
Anew
In my own mind

PLEASE

Inside my mind
The little things to do...to listen to...file away, to help me quit. Quit for good. If this is the hardest thing I ever have to do, I am blessed. If so, than why is it so hard?
Putting something "foul" in my body, should be incentive enough, you would think?
Taking my beauty-my vain pride. I feed my mind with these things. The things that don't matter much now,but will later. HINDSIGHT.
Each day, these thoughts in my mind grow stronger, slowly squeezing out the desire.
I take each piece of advice. Each admonition, I listen to. I file it away. The little things all add up.
I am feeding on my own inner strength, and the strength I feel and hear in the prayers of others that love me.
Substituting one thing for the other, until there is no room in my day, because other things have become so much more important to DO.
Like falling in love. Before you know it, that being has become such a central force in your mind..heart that you KNOW
Back to the task at hand.
HAND IN HAND
I gave myself permission to EAT
How sad that a habit has, among all the other horrible things it has done to me and my health, taken my ability to function as I naturally would AWAY?
To be able to do this, would make me proud. I would be thankful for the strength to be able to do this.
AMEN

Repetitions

We are all a part of something else
Our thoughts
Our memories
Our dreams
Fears
Insecurities
Each individual
Each unique
We share a moment
A day
A picture
A smile
A night of sleep
A meal
A joke
But really each interpretation
Is exclusive to you
To me
Nobody shares everything
No one thought is the same
No fear
Alike
We all have a past
We all have bags
We carry around
Situations with others
That have created our own unique make up
Nobody can say for sure
Everyone can offer an opinion
But ultimately
The choices that we make
Each day
That affect us
That ultimately affect the lives of others
Intertwined with us have the ability
The capacity
To change our life
We cannot control what others do
Only our own choices guide us
Sometimes
Unfortunately
The choices of others lead us down a path
Against our will
Who is to say that these choices
Are right or wrong?
Everything happens for a reason
Is it fate that guides emotions
IS it the stars
The universe
The ocean current
GOD
Nobody knows for sure
All I do know is this
Take my time
Think things through
Make decisions
" "
or
" "
right
wrong
There is no difference
The love we put out
Is returned
One who loves
Others
Will always find LOVE
One who selfishly loves
Finds selfish love
What we give
Is what is returned
No exchanges
On situations
Each day
We face new
Different from the rest

Listening

Singed ashes fell
Around my soul
My face Fell
In form
Dark eyes
No light
No faith
HERETIC
Anger burned
Hot
Rage
Consuming ME
The way I used to be
Now it's here
The moment came
The pain
Oh
Did it fade
Little teeny
Tiny
Miniscule
Vibrations
Strum at me
Only I can hear
The itsy bitsy
Insight
Wisdoms
TRUTH
Inside
Bestows
Two doors
One Mind
One heart
YOU KNOW MY REFERENCE
BOTH HEART
Bleeding
Stopped
Scabbed over hurt
Deep scar
LEARNING FROM IT GREW
One that shows
In daily life
Happiness
Glows
NOW
THE HERE
THE MOMENT
ONE
So WHY confusion
No reason
No rhyme
IN THIS JUMBLED MIND
An old solidity
IN COMFORT
OR FEAR OF HURT
MISTRUST
LIES
FACES
LOOK ME IN THE EYE
Or new
Sweet Love
Not burned
Not gray
Framed
By memories
A quick frame
A click
A day
Light
Fire
Soft glow
Of your face at Night

Flying

I have had a recurring dream since I was a child, that I am floating.
It is always in the backyard of my parents house, always windy.
I run a little and then just glide up into the air. I don't have to flap my arms, I just float. Sometimes I let the wind take me high into the air, so high that I become scared. Other times, like today (nap time) I only allow myself to float to the tops of the trees. I don't know what it means. If it means anything at all, but whenever I experience this dream, I wake with a sense that I have just done something enjoyable, and special. The vividness of the wind taking me high up into the clouds the sky is so great that I actually feel as if I have really flown.

Good Night

Extremely
Eccentric
No waste
OF mind
Takes time
Takes thought
Takes flight
Each night
Sleep comes
Close
To finishing
Thoughts unsaid
Repaid
What's Lost
Can't find
Don't Mind
The shine
Comes close
Each time
Inside my head
Thoughts close around
Wraps
Itself
Around my head
True
Close
Silent
Ghost
When it becomes too much
Close my eyes
Tight
Shut
Dream of Breeze
Warm and Rocking
Back and forth
Focus
Frothing
Waves
That crash
Took that back
My mind
My place
That day
Your Face

WAY

Calm is the face of change
Nothing but the air
Swaying
Back and forth
Secure
In the Notion
That TIME
Draws near
Love
A revolution
I hear whispers
Of Love everywhere
Serenity
Change
Gently Blew away the Leaves
Of hatred
Blew the flames
The shame
The mistakes
We make
Away
Blew away the Fear
Kept tossing light
Heat
Warmth
Feels so much better
Than the flames
That burned
That hurt
Charred Hearts
Left nothing
But compromise
Now it's clear
Cliche
Blue eyes
Blue skies
On a breezy day
No more Fear
Feels too good
This blanket
Of change
A peach
On a hot summer day
See the beauty
Embrace this WAY

Whaaaat

Thinking about beeing
Seeing
Freeing your mind
Sharing what
Well everrything
Whyyy not
Right
What goes on in my head
Only I know
Each thought
Comma
Blankkkkk sometimes
THan what
See what I mean
Just let it go
Feel it Grow
Thoughts inside
Fill up my mind
What happens next
I always want to know
Never do
What about you
Nooobody does
Makes life so fun
Can't wait to see
What each day
Lazy leafs
Change of Seasons
What does it bring
Used to be the same
Black Black Black
Not life
It shits
It smiles
It laughs
Do you get what I'm screaming
Inside
Outside
Probably not
Can't figure it out
What
Why not
It's mine
It's mine alone
My thoughts
Where they go
So laugh it up
Crazy I know
So much love
So right
SO NEW

???

Sometimes my head runs away
Too many questions?
I ask myself
Too many ways to be
Who am I?
What's my definition
Look me up
You can't find shit
What's inside
Not yet defined
Mabey when
I'm OLD and Gray
Probably won't make it that far
A bleak thought
A gray day
Close your eyes
Turn off the lights
Keep on dreaming
Keep what you want in sight
What is that
Questioning?
Asking myself
What others have???
Or what I already have????
Something beautiful
Can't that be enough?
Can't I just be happy?
Can't I say enough?
STOP
Ask too many
Put them in a box
They won't fit
Overflow
Keep on tipping
Keep up the flow
Everything should happen
Just as I wish
But would I be happy then?
Or would I keep saying this?
Just be nice
Don't hold back
Let it all out
Try
Just Try
Relax
The little things
Why aren't they enough?
What ever is?
This empty dish
Change keeps coming
We are all unaware
Stop trying
To guess
Just be aware
Keep my head held high
I know there is digninty
Grace
Strength
Undeneath this insanity
One day I will find
Will really know

TOXICITY

The human race
Dissapearing
Taking out
The trash
No longer working
Machines
Churning
Out burning
Toxic
Ocean filled with oil
Fish are
well
Dying
No longer worry
About your six pack soda
This OIL
Gets the job done faster
WOOPS
Kill a species
OH well NOT NEEDED
ECO system Crisis
Blinking
RED
KEEP on consuming
Red meat
Retsin
Pharmaceuticals
Livers stopping
Well what IS THAT
Our bodies
Only know
What earth bestows
Not enough
Obviously
Keep on Dumping
Spilling
Breathing
Making Toxicity
Spill and Kill
Born ill
Born Sad
A new generation
Oh well
What's THAT
NOW
NOW
NOW
and well Me me me
Well Just a guess
I guarantee
Earth will stand
Longer than
Our Population

NEEDS

Caught up in the day
Tangled up in the way
I choose to live my life
I need a nap
I need a break
So tired
Always running
Make the time
To excercise
Need to read
Need to feed
Need to sleep
Need to breath
Can't stop thinking
Exhaust myself
Write a book
Take a walk
Take a breath
Make a nest
Laugh with friends
Speed around the next bend
Don't hit the brakes
Just keep speed
Green Tea Pill
Keeps me up
Eat an apple
Read a book
Pause and take a breath
Body says STOP
MIND SAYS STOP
Never enough time
To feed my body
Feed my wallet
Feed my mind
Prioritize
Naturalize
Recognize

Like a puzzle

Falls come
New Dreams
Can I see?
Let's keep it real
You only know
What is right in front of you

Don't stop
A lot of time
Take it slow
Complex
A lot of room to grow
Never stop
Look at each day
As a chance to know
To think
To contemplate
This life
The only one
Each of us knows
Each separate
Stand on your own
A lot of questions
A lot of answers
But all I see is
What's real
What's underneath
A lot of me
A lot of you
Little ways
Indications
Don't hide
It's okay

THINKING

Sitting here thinking
TO myself
And no one else
My thoughts
Silence
Opens up
Traps
To explore
Each thought a start
Ending the next
What is next?
I don't know
Neither does she
Neither does HE
Neither do you
All we know is what may come
What goes around comes around
A full circle
A circle we make
Spinning wheels
In your head
Stop
Look under the rug
Pull the thread
Human nature
Unpredictable
Unreliable
Fallible
Beautiful

Yes and No, I don't know

Days Fade
Into Night
Still life
Turns brighter
Dark Days
Behind Dreams
Of Deth
Of Deep sadness
Don't forget
How you felt
Remember and LEARN
From every
Moment
Spent
Sad
Alone
For Happiness
Comes just around the next bend
When you can't see the turn
Don't try
Just learn
Follow the road
Walk slow
Don't rush
Each decision
Flings
New Consequence
Honest choices
Bear honest fruit
Lies Pile
Like stink
Shit
I loath
Each moment
A chance
For a new beginning
Take the high Road
Stare down at the low
Know
You are doing so
Right by yourself
Your love
Will grow
Like a sunflower
Reaching the sky
Slow SLOW SLOW SLOW
Don't miss a moment
Stop and think
Feed your decision with RIGHT

Moral red Road

I was talking to a very dear friend of mine recently.
Part of the subject is the Moral Red Road that we walk, today, I recieved a beautiful red, beaded bracelet that she had made for me, SYMBOLIZING just this.
Morals-a subject most are raised with. Peoples parents instill in them, through there upbringing there own set of values and morals. To share, to be honest, take care of the elderly, follow the ten commandments-essentially, plus some. Well, these are a few examples of morals that I was raised to have.
As a person, a little person, who is moldable and receptive grows into there own big person, there own grown set of morals develop. Things that are important to them, that they follow in there own life, independant of parental morals.
I have always, even as a teenager, decided what my morals where going to be. First and foremost, in order to salvage the crazy emotionally fraught relationship with my Mother was, NOT to lie. Always tell the truth. Even if it something that you don't want to do, or something that may sting. This has never gone wrong.
Secondly, a moral that I developed for myself, along the way, on my red road, is not to cheat. If you do, you either live with it, and it eats you up inside, or you eventually get found out, finding nothing but pain and destruction for your love relationship. Not worth it. Not ever. Not even looking. This is the most important one to me, because I value love above ALL ELSE.
This also goes for being the other woman. Won't do it.
Take care of your friendships.This goes without saying,friends are family.
SO when you get down to it.Get down to it. Pick your morals and stick by them. Not only will they create healthy boundaries for in your life, you will never have to question whether or not you feel like shit. Because if you follow your Red Road, you won't.

KNOT

Feelings growing strength
Fear grows
Push it away
Old
Feelings
Of
Not good enough
SO many years
Of it
Never realized what I was doing to myself
Allowing someone to make me feel
Like I wasen't quiet good enough
What does that mean
Not good enough
For love
For WHAT
I hate what people do to each other
I vow to be UNDERSTANDING
I vow to be PATIENT
I vow to be OPEN MINDED
TRUE
To myself
What I know is Right
In love
HONEST
Sometimes I find myself NOT being these things
Snap judgements
Jealousy
Lack of understanding
Can understand
Because you want me to
Where did you come from
Just right for me
Just right for you
Where did you come from
I love the way you look at me
Hold me tight
Answer my questions Honestly
You value friendships
Just like I do
Like to laugh
At all the same stuff
Same foods we like
Holding hands
Little things
Mean the most
I can feel us growing
Inside my heart
Warm and steady
Right timing
For everything
I find myself wanting to be near you
When i'm not
When were away
My thoughts of you are not
Other things will come up
The past
Creeps
That's what it does
But we blend it
With what we have
So much to know about you
So much to do
Always want to be knotted up with you

Never Enough

Slap
Turn your day away
Sleep
Play
Turn your mind around
Flip
What
Don't you want to know
I do
Every moment
Every second
You waste
On hate
Turn it away
Gloomy
Blue
Never enough for you
What will be enough?
Fill up your cup
Again and again and again and again
Never enough
Choices you made
Choices you make
Break your life
Break your day
Turn to the dawn
See the sun shine
What more do you want?
Than what you have
Not bad enough
Work for it
You know it's hard
Not hard enough
Keep on pushing
Pushing out
Life
You think will bring you joy
But your mind won't LET
It's what you want
What you destroy
Never enough
Keep On Filling
Filling up your cup
Never enough
Never enough

Colliding Thoughts

Two Moons Collide
One goes
We don't know why
Count the days
Until death comes
Or life begins
Thought you knew
So much more room to grow
STUFF
Never thought I would have
To deal with that
Dynamics
Touch my life
Woman's intuition
I know
But not why
Just That is
What occurs
To tired sometimes
To think of life
Where it goes
Where did my road go
I thought I knew
But space Said NO
Two Moons crashed
Chaos ensued
Now I don't know
BE IN THE PRESENT
Hard sometimes
Doesn't it get brighter
Where is my place
Where is my road
Sometimes I don't know
Then I tell myself
What I have is beautiful
Count your blessings
Look at LIFE
Could have been worse
It has been worse
It has been better
It has been happier
It has been harder
Stuck in relativity
Hard to say what I want
OR what I think is right
Always wanting to RIGHT
Make someone happy
Make someone feel good
Build them up
Give them what they need
Not too much trouble
I swear
Not in the way
Where is SHE
I will keep looking
Where is my road
Mabey not down there
Anymore
A new road might be what I need
Realize Realize Realizations
Come
When I let loose
Just let it flow
Just be free
Not trying to please
Just trying to be
Who I am
This point in time
This place in space
This lover
This heart
It hurts too much
Thinks too much
Feels alone sometimes
Don't want to deal with MEAN
CRAZINESS
OR JEALOUSY
IV'E HAD ENOUGH JUST LET ME BE
Been hurt too much
Just want to love
Not enough energy to deal with
petty
Petty small
Very small
Leave it alone
Grow up and let me be

AGE

I had a conversation today with one of my regulars...as I do. The subject-age. I say, it's all relative. Of course when you work with an 80 year old woman, it's easy to feel young. Last night, I got to see youth at it's finest as well. A friend's children put on a clever, talented impromptu dance contest for us...Just seeing those girls dance around, feel embarrased, let loose, faces shining-smiling and HOP HOP HOPPING around, put me in touch with my inner child. She is there, she will never go away, I felt compelled to conversate afterward with her stuffed monkey Bananas after ward. ...although I have always had a strong affinity with stuffed Monkeys(KISSKISS) It was refreshing. I have always had a strong connection with children, even though I was told I will never have one of my own...perhaps because I appreciate them. I also respect parents who raise there children, rear them, teach them. LIFE. It is what we make it.
I didn't have the best childhood myself, but I will say I didn't have the worst either...again...all relative. I can appreciate now what my mother did out of love for us, although at the time, and she admits this-was harsh and mean sometimes. I guess I got a LITTLE bit of that myself when I feel strongly about something. I guess I got a lot out of my Parents. Love-first and foremost, good work ethics, manners, creativity, I can clean the sh**T out of a bathroom(Thanks MOM)
Anyway, I guess where I am going with this, I think one day, one day soon, I may be meeting some children soon. The children of a man who I have a growing love and respect for. A lot of love...a lot of respect. SHEET emotion. Yes.
I imagine one day, I will be a part of there lives. I can only hope that I can exude the love I feel for there father into there life, that I can teach them a thing or two along the way, about love, forgivness, frienship, life. ...or just be there for them if they ever need me, to talk to, to play a game with, to share some imagination, to share a meal, to learn something new...because really if you get down to the details, that is all LIFE is about, whether you are 5 or 95, right?

Glimse

In the process of keeping things as UNCOMPLICATED as possible
I tend to wonder
Where
The road will
GO
Can only see
A foot ahead right
now
Except my Mind
Knows
Where I go
Can't control
What others do
That's their choice
What's in the stew
Question Question Question
DO you know
That's what keeps me
Entertained
Simplicity
Bores me
Keep me guessing
I guess
I don't know
That's that beauty
OF you
Question
Question
My heart Feels fragile
Growing strong
I prefer sensitivity
TO ambiguity
All in time
Tick tock tick tock
Waiting for what
We don't know
Why don't you show it all to me
Bare your soul
Trust me
I won't run scared
I won't turn away
Tell it all
Why you LIED
Why decieve
Know soon enough
What's on your head
A brain
What's in your eyes
I can't wait to see
The Darkness inside
Do you get it
Do you understand
I know
Trust me
Let it out
I want it all
Don't be afraid
Let me see
Unseen
I come and go
But it hurts sometimes
TOO
I just won't let it show
I know everything you say
I know each mannerism
You portray
I glimse your soul
In mine

FEEL REAL

What love is
A word sometimes
A feeling
Warm
Hot
Safe
Your face
New
But so in sync
Weird, I know?
WOW
Can I say
How perfect this feels
Too much
NO fear
What I always wanted
I knew that you were there
Waiting
Always
Little things
My hair
Your face
Our kiss
SO real
Your so Real
Make me feel
Like I'm finally here
Not just drifting
But knowing
Where this goes
Everything
Everything
Everything
I want
Now you are here
SO beautiful
We are for real
Touch your face
Dream Color
Black and white
Share everything with me
I know
I know
How you feel
And for me, you are real
Touch your Face
Touch my hair
Hold me tight
Feels just right
How nice
How lovely
How sweet
How real You feel

REASONS BEHIND REASONS-WE DON'T KNOW

WHEN I THINK OF YOU I GET SAD
SORROW FOR YOU
FOR WHAT YOU HAD
FOR WHAT YOU LOST
THANK YOU THOUGH
ALMOST TOOK MY SOUL
LOOK IN THE MIRROR WHEN I AM SAD
SEE YOUR ACTIONS
MADE ME FEEL SO BAD
ALMOST TOOK MYSELF
ALMOST DROWNED IN DEPTH
THOUGHT ABOUT TAKING MY LAST BREATH
NOW I KNOW
I COULDN'T SEE
THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON
ALWAYS
EVEN IF WE DON'T AGREE
WE DON'T CONTROL OUR FATES
LET GO FINALLY
CANNOT HARNESS THE HATE
IT'S GONE
FINALLY I FEEL FREE
INDIFERENT
AS YOU WISHED I WOULD BE
SORRY I DON'T LOVE LIKE THAT
YOUR PROBLEM IN LIFE
I SEE
IS DUPLICITY
ABILITY TO LIE
TO CHANGE
LIKE A PHOENIX
BUT THIS TIME
JUST DUST LEFT BEHIND
SORRY FOR YOU
BUT NOT FOR ME
I KNOW WHAT LOVE IS
YOU DIDN'T TAKE THAT AWAY
SURROUNDED IN IT DAY AFTER DAY
NIGHT AFTER NIGHT
THE LIGHT OF LOVE SURROUNDS ME
PROTECTS ME
MAKES ME GLOW
SORRY FOR YOU
I ONLY PRAY
DAY AFTER DAY
THAT YOU WILL LET YOURSELF GROW

Graveyard of HOPE

We're churning up
SOMETHING
Came unraveled
Dust and Smoke
and Questions
Wonder
WHAT
Is to come of this new
Adventure
Meandering Road
Slow
Rocks
Kick up Dust
But what
There's More
No Fear?
You say
But where will it go?
The Fear
Ever Near
Ever Close
One Step Forward
We come so close
Synchronized
Dance
We take a step
SO close
Then another one Back
Stay on Track
What Track
There is no road
Only Floating
It keeps appearing
This FEAR
I loath
But each cloud had BUST
Left with no hope
But there is you say
Show me than
Take it all back
Can you do it?
Can we LIVE PAST?
Each step we take
Has meaning
Makes me think
At least
That's something
But wait
There's more
Digging with a fork
What's under the floor
I guess we'll see
A tomb of hope
Underneath
Mabey something more this time.
WE WILL SEE

Imbalanced balance

Sometimes I feel like I am fighting with my own brain. I know that the "easy' route would be to go on medication, but I would rather take responsibility for my own feelings on my own. I feel that the power of the brain, and the power of positivity is stronger than a pill. I have always had ups and downs, highs and lows, and am just accostomed to it. For a brief time, when I was younger, I was put on medication to "regulate' this slight chemical imbalance that I deal with, but it made me feel like I was out of control, with no boundaries, anything goes. I think a little bit of sadness goes a long way, as far as my personality goes, in being more empathatic towards myself and others. Who wants to be on a happy trip all the time?
A happy trip induced by medication. I know that a lot of people would argue that this would be "beneficial" in my day to day life, but I find that what truly works is sunshine, hot tea, baths, reading, meditation, and recognizing when I need to do these things. Nothing wrong with a little personal reflection, right?
I don't know why I have the sudden need to defend my choice to stay off of medication, but I do. Nobody is pressuring me to do it. My own brain screams at me sometimes though. Hits me with moments of sadness so strong that I start to cry for no reason at all. I consider this a positive thing somtimes, considering I went a long time without crying at all. Wondering to myself, is something wrong with me that I feel nothing at all. I know now that the cause of this was a strong repression of what I wanted ...also known as CO-DEPENDANCY. Such a strong need to take care of everyone else, there problems, there needs, there wants, that I was more than willing to overlook my own desires. It even got to the point that I no longer knew what my desires for my own happiness and well being were anymore. What was a real eye opener for me was this- I thought that this was love. Yuck. I am thankful that I realized this now, while I am still young, to change.
Which brings me to change. My life has changed so much this past year, that I don't know if I would recognize my old life if it was sitting right in front of me. Complacent no more, someone should right a book about that. What I thought was me, what I thought was love, what I thought was happiness were all illusions, my own illusions that I was responsible for. What a real eye popper for me to discover was that I was perfectly willing to accept this life, without question. Did nothing to help myself, but was literally ripped out of it by betrayals and lies- one after another, stacked upon each other so high they toppled. Toppled on top of me, shattered my illusions. Thank you!! Thank you!! I want to scream sometimes, so grateful that everything happened the way it did. Grateful that I see my own worth now. Grateful, that I know that that I don't have to ride on someone elses wants and needs to be happy. That I don't have to be in such a constant state of NEED that will never be filled. I take the blame, some blame, for this. We are ALL responsible for our decisions, for our life, our own happiness. We can either live in a state of denial, out of fear, or we can touch on the deepest part of ourselves, again and again and again, until we know each part of our soul- what makes us happy, what we are willing to take and not take,and not give, and settle for nothing less. Or we can live in a state of complacency, based on fear of the unknown. Everyones choice is there own, everyone has there own lessons to learn. What I value will NOT be compromised.
Honesty...number one. My own and that of others. There is so much dignity in telling the truth, for standing up for yourself, for owning your actions. Laughter. Love. There is so much more to give, that people forget about in the superficial society that we live in that is priceless.
This is what I ask for, for myself. Even in my constant state of imbalance, these are the things that won't change. That are set in stone.

Cheesy

If you love someone
Let them know
If you feel anger let it show
If your feelings get hurt
Talk it out
Say what you mean
Mean what you say
Honestly
Simple
Yet sometimes hard to do
If you need some silence
Turn off the sound
If you feel yucky
Crawl underground
Call up your friends
Just to say HI
Go for a walk
Look up at the sky
So many things
We forget to do
Just a reminder
That when you feel sad
Go ahead and cry
It's okay to let it all out
We are all human
We all have emotion
We all make mistakes
We all need protection
So look at the stars
Look at the moon
Say thank you to GOD
For each day that you have
For each smile you share
For each tear that you shed
For each and every brain cell inside your head
For every flower
For every plant
For every pet
That we love on this earth
Thanks for the green
Thanks for the yellow
Thanks for the wonderful LIFE YOU HAVE GIVEN!

This

I used to think that it was better to sit back and wait for what you want in life to come along.
I still partially believe that if something is going to happen, it is going to happen naturally, and everything happens for a reason,that destiny controls our future.
I now believe that sometimes, you have to put your hand out and grab what you want. .
Say what you want, out loud. Put it out there. Investigate. Don't be afraid to take chances emotionally. Don't be so consumed with what is happening, and how other people are acting towards you, that you let them control your LIFE your FUTURE.
It's okay to say "Hey" This is NOT okay. Or this is working for me. Articulate what you Really want. Your own boundaries, your own expectations in life, in your relationships.
It's part of being an adult. Knowing yourself well enough, to know what is acceptable, what you will allow into your enviornment and what you won't.
I know people that have not yet figured this out. I, myself, was like this not so long ago. I let "love" dictate my own unhappiness. I made excuses for others, because I thought that by doing this, I was being a loving partner. But, if you think about it, we don't act like this with our friends. We talk, we don't hide behind anything, and in turn have beautiful friendships, that are honest.
Why can't we be like this with our partners? Shouldn't the same rules apply?
Shouldn't our romantic relationships be friendships above all else?
So if you are in a relationship where you can't be honest with your partner, isn't that a problem.
What do you have if you don't have honesty?
A trap. A cage.An obligation.
So many people I know, so many friends of mine, allow this to happen. In turn they are always feeling half fulfilled. Always half wanting something more from there mates.
Come to the point where you are okay being alone. Where your life doesn't one hundred percent revolve around making your partner happy, and you will have a different perspective on the matter.
This is my rant for the morning, these are my thoughts.
Looking forward to learning,and growing more everyday, because once you move forward emotionally, it frees up your life and time to have more chances and more experiences to grow!
Don't be stagnant!!!

For Me For Momma

What do I struggle with?
I asked myself this question recently? It took me a minute to decide, first I was a little bit bothered by the fact that it took me even a minute to figure this out. Then I decided to go easy on myself for once...ask anyone this and they would probably have to think about it for at least a second.
Right?
Well, a few days to be perfectly honest.
Since we all know how perfect I am.
Did I mention my ego?
So, I decided, obviously this is what I struggle with. I definitly put more time and mental energy into other's problems, in order to avoid facing my own internal conflicts. Brilliant. Not only do I come off as a self-less problem solver and a great listener, but I don't have to face my own issues.
Ordinarily, this is something that I would pat myself on the back for. But since I was specifically making an effort to figure out what my own shortcomings as a person are, I had to face reality. Not my best friend, let me tell you.
My Mother recently came to visit. Most of us have a Mother. I happen to have a wonderful one. The best. Insightful, smart, spiritual, but with enough of a sordid past that she TRULY understands LIFE. Not only that but she is an awesome cook, beautiful, quirky, loud, great sense of humor, well I could go on all day, really. Not only all of this, but she never, ever, hesitates to tell me how it is, and sugar coats nothing. So when MOMMA says something, even if you aren't "listening" per say, her insights will pop into your brain unwittingly. Hence, the shortcomings.
So my Mom said, you never give anything a chance, once it becomes difficult, even for a second you quit trying.
Except, in love. That is my own sentiment.
But otherwise, she was right.
So for me, I am going to take the high road from now on. For my Momma.

Blessing

I used to think that life was what was right in front of your face, that you had to accept what you had and make the best of it. I now know that life is a series of choices, everyday, we make choices that either enrich our life or hinder it in some way, emotionally or physically. It is up to ME each and every one of us to choose the right path, the right door. Some stuff is out of our hands, things happen that we cannot control, but for the most part, we do have control over our own enviornment, our own happiness, our own destiny.
Not fearing change was a huge obstacle that I had to overcome. Fearing a new location, fearing being alone. I was afraid to drive, afraid that I would get lost. Feared accidents, feared others anger. I know, now that being lost is part of life, being lost leads to new roads, roads I wouldn't have otherwise explored. Metaphorically and Physically.
I had to learn, had to make decisions that would take me off this path. You choose to be happy or you choose to be miserable. A friend told me the other day that she was "surprised" that I had recovered my life and my happiness so quickly. The truth of the matter is, was, that I chose to be happy, I chose not to wallow in depression and shock, because I value the time that I have on this earth and do not want to waste one minute of it.
I surrounded myself with postitive, smart, intuitive people,who were able to look me in the face and tell me that they loved me. Who were able to give me awesome advice, to help me on this path, and for my friends and family I couln't be more grateful, could not love them more. In turn, I attracted someone who values friendship and family as much as I do.
So when I question time, I stop, and I say to myself,"you choose not to waste time being unhappy, and there fore things that are good and rational and wonderful are not going to take there time with you"
I truly do believe that what you put into your body, and who you let into your life is going to have a huge impact on the outcome of your life, and instead of being unhappy with what you don't have, rejoicing in what you do, each and every day will deliver exactly what you want.

Happy

I just want to say
I am happy

Cheyanne

Redirecting thoughts
Clouds
What I knew
Floating through the sky
Dreams
Filled with meaning
Balance
Everything what it should be
Live to love
Love to give
Take what is yours
Make it your own
Your own life
Don't give it all away
Nothing left
Leaves you feeling
Penniless
Aggravated
Rage
Take your time
For yourself
Free yourself
From your own life
Just relax
Watch the sky
So beautiful
You are
Need to see
What inside of you
Glows
Beautiful

Stay away

Stay away
Don't come near me
Don't call
Don't think
Don't want your thoughts
Don't want your care
This is it
No more games
You don't control me
I am my own
Gone away
Can't forgive
Should have thought
Before you LIVED
100 lies
Looked me in the eye
A thousand tears
Better off
Without your shadow
Following mine
Back off
I'm no longer yours
You had your chance
Put a thought inside your head
You don't inspire
Anything but hate
Darkness
Sadness
Selfishness
Alone now
You want to make amends
But it's too late
I'm already a ghost to you
Rapture

You Don't
Make me laugh
Make me think
Or make me happy
I asked for someone kind
Someone altruistic
Understanding
That person is not you
Would rather rot alone
The spend another moment of my life
With you
Not enough time
In a day
To waste it with you
So please
Please
Please
Leave me alone.

Ebb and Flow

The only flow
Is this
I know
Sometimes melancholy
Sometimes laughing
Lonely or not enough
Brain chemistry
Imbalance is tough
Take some pills
Mellow it out
Not for me
Who I am
I let it be
Manic
Happy
Depressed
Contemplative
Quiet
Free
Think too much
Turn it off
Get an outlet
For all the stuff
But put it where
storage of my mind
Too full already
Of memories
Inclinations
Ideas
Stuff to do
Sleep too much
Not enough
Can't have balance
Without the stuff
Shop too much
Not at all
Fill a void
Fill the hole
The whole
Meditate
Contemplate
Make sense of life
Quick
Figure it out
Before it's too late
Too much time
Not enough
Drive too fast
Eat too much
Not enough
Talk Talk Talk
Never better
This road is mine
Alone I walk
Convoluted thoughts
too much damage
Try to hide
But never lie
Let it all show
Who fucking cares
What's meant to be
Will be unveiled

Giving Thanks

As of late, I feel as if Life has been handing me blessings left and right.
I want to say "Thank you"
Thank you for putting people in my life who love to laugh as much as I do
Acceptance, for who people are.
New friends and old, coming together-Harmoniously, sharing a meal, an evening, a memory.
Thank you, for delivering kindness. For showing me how to be kind again.
For showing me that loving acts do exist
Romance is not dead.
Little things and big. SO many things to be thankful for
Food in my stomach
A safe place to live that has not been ravaged my hurricane, tornadoes, nuclear waste, fire.
A comfortable bed to sleep in at night
Parents who love there children enough to make wise decisions, my own and others.
Thank you for delivering Truth and Honesty into my life
For the warm feeling in my stomach.
Thank you life, for taking away my anger, for dissolving my hurt. For letting in the light and showing me happiness again.
Thank you for taking away my fear, fear that I would never feel worthy again. That I would wake up scared and alone.
Thank you

Who you choose to be

Wake up and realize
This
It doesn't happen
Changes in your mind
Happen gradually
Insight comes
Not like a light
A series of thoughts
Come together
Weave a tapestry
Realizing
Each and every way
That we are
Is who we choose to be
Don't blame mom
Circumstance
A lover who did damage
Only you know who you really are
Who you want to be
A conscience effort not to be
What truly matters
Is inside
Who you choose to be

Rubble

Sometimes life fulfilles your dreams
You didn't know you had
It taps you on the shoulder
It's okay
Gives you what you didn't ask for
But wanted anyway
Turn around and look around
Sometimes things seem blind
But really they can see
Just weren't looking hard enough
For reality
Takes a stronger person
To admit when they are wrong
Only then we learn
From our mistakes
From our storms
Made in anger
Taking everything in it's path
Leaving rubble
Nothing left
For the ones who
Projected it

Anger

Crazy Rage today
I thought it had gone away
Just laying in wait
For my thoughts to overtake
The feeling of hate
Never disipates
Just hibernates

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I am wondering too much...about nothing.

Chance

Cherish your friends and the time you have with them on this earth.
We get one chance to spend time with the people we love
Don't waste it.
Don't leave the day to chance
Chance that they might be taken away
Embrace the day
Don't let another evening fade with thoughts of them on your mind, because you never know when it will be too late to let them know how you feel, how you care.

Random Thoughts

All of the answers to life's questions that you may have lie within you, if you only ask yourself the right questions.
Everybody thinks differently
Different thoughts at different times, different takes on different situations.Two People may experience the same moment, the same situation, and will walk away with two different viewpoints on how the situation occured, or what feelings may occur from the situation.
We find love and kindred spirits within each other when you meet someone who shares a similar view point or take on a situation.
This is reality.
Perception is reality.We are all just looking to share the same perception with somebody.
You may confide in a friend, who has a different opinion on a matter. They may share that opinion and you may respect their opinion but choose to disagree. But True frienship occurs when you do share, without with holding, without fear of "losing" the friendship or relationship.
Be true to yourself. Be true to others. Share and be honest with your feelings. Love.

TOO LATE

SHOULDN'T HAVE OPENED THE DOOR
HIT THE FLOOR
BULLETTS FLYING
PAST YOUR FACE
PAST YOUR EAR
PAST YOUR HEART
FAILED TO LOOK
FAILED TO HEAR
FAILED TO CARE
NOW HIT THE FLOOR
SHOULDN'T HAVE OPENED THE DOOR
FIRE COMES AT YOU BURNING HOT
BLACKENED
SOOT
BURNED UP MY HEART
TOO LATE
NOW IT'S ASH
FELL TO THE FLOOR
SHOULDN'T HAVE OPENED THE DOOR

Burn

Feel the flow
Let it go
Crank it up
Turn off my thoughts
Feel the burn
Strength inside
Strong outside
Feel the pulse
Look around
Synchronize
Sweat drips down
Cannot see
Don't let go
One more time
Feel the blood
Rushing through
Heartrate up
Tingles
Toxins gone
Stress dissapears
Wait
Patiently
Let it rest
Now one more time
Faces clenched
Health
Sweat
Glow

Keep trying!

When a task is difficult to achieve
It makes me want it more
To think it through
To mark a path
To make a goal
To succeed
More than one try
It's more than okay
Just keep trying
Don't give up

Grow

Do not just conquer life
Enjoy it
Feel each moment individually
Hear
See
Smell
Touch
Each day brings NEW thoughts
Each new thought
Brings wisdom
Grow
Nothing is infinite
Constant change brings current
Current to move
To grow

Listen

I know I shouldn't obssess
On things Said
On things Done
On what could be
On what won't happen
I can't help it though
It's who I am
It's how I think
It's how I dream
Better to know
Me
Now
Than later find..
People hide
Behind their Lies
There omissions
People hide there past
But all things eventually surface
So why not put it out ther first?
I don't nag
I don't bitch
Let you be
Who you want
Let me be who I want
If it is a friendship
It won't matter anyway
That comes first in my book
When someone shows you who they really are
Listen
Take the time to ask
But that is just me
Something I would never expect
Anyone else to be
I find inspiration In kindness
See you listen
Take it all in
That is how we learn
Mirrors don't exist
That look into souls
We have to learn
Listen
Pay attention
Don't pre judge
Sometimes
Things aren't what they seem
Things can change
Day by day
We absorb
Something New
Until it becomes chemically a part of you
This makes LOVE
Sometimes hard to find
Because no one wants to take the time

---No lies---------

Days merge
Things change
Don't leave it to chance
Close doors
Do what's right
Where is your dignity
Where is the fight
You just lie down
You don't mean a thing
Your soul is filled
With Lies and sorrow
I feel so bad for you
You can't even own your thoughts
Wimpy and pathetic
Is how I see you
Everything about what you want
What's aesthetic
Not substantial
No choices made
Just drifting along
How sad
You will never see
What honesty and truth
Does to make your soul glow
Inside
What being upright
What having courage
Dignity
Honor
Respect
Kindness
These things make us whole
You get what you give
You put it out and it comes back to you
Sometimes it's easier to lie
you say
But to who
Only to yourself
Because in the end that is all you have
A jaded twisted view
Only caring about right now
And what the present moment
How it will fulfill you
How empty
Fill yourself with love
Tell the truth
Do what is right

Negativities

Negative energy feels like shit
Pressure in your body
Pressure in your brain
Stay away from EVIL
That contaminates
Happiness
Brings down your soul
Brings down your Brain
Sucks your thoughts
In the direction
Of Frusturations
Can't rely
On Someone
Anyone
Who's only Intentions
In Selfishness Lie
Blood sucking Vampires
Not Blood But Joy
Once they come
Only thoughts will Free
Of positive things
But leave a residue
Being down
Never fun
Stay away from Negative Energies

What about.....

Self aware
Self doubt
Where do you go
When you don't know what you are doing?
What do you say when you don't know
What you want
Live in the moment
The universe implies
But what about the future
What about the past
Do these things matter
Or are they obsolete
Feel the need to defend
The choices that were made
How do you
When they weren't yours
How do you define
Hurt
How do you define Healing
How do you
You just do
Wake up one day and realize
The Past is long behind you
A crumb of thought
One that can be swept away
Still learning
Learning
Learning everyday
And that is what is important
That you are still growing
Making decisions
For yourself
Not for someone else
What you really want
You don't know
Go with the flow
Don't analyze
No self doubt
Erase that
Erase that
Erase that

By: Stephan Bodian

Any relationship between two separate selves is destined to be unfulfilling, because it's based on a lie. I perceive you to be out there, apart from me, and I'm struggling to bridge the imaginary gap and connect with you--or perhaps to withdraw and discon...nect. I want to know what you think, where you come from, where you've been, what you identify with so I can learn how to manipulate and control the relationship--but I never make real, vital contact with who you (and I) really are. In fact, most relationships take place between two false selves, two life histories, two conglomerations of beliefs, identities, biases, and expectations. They're based on negotiation, on getting my needs met, on comparing and contrasting what I have with what I want, and on trying to mitigate the pain of separation by creating brief moments of intimacy. But the basic premise of such relationships is mistaken. We're already one, and true relationship occurs in the recognition and joy of this shared oneness, which is genuine intimacy. When I know myself to be nothing/everything and experience you too as nothing/everything, all apparent separation drops away, and we dance together in the mystery of the One at play in the multiplicity of forms. Love is who we are, we can't possibly find it out there. At the same time, true relationship offers the opportunity to share the love that we are with another person, to resonate together in the love, which allows the experience of the love to deepen and grow. Encountering the other who is also our very own self is one of the most precious experiences available to us as human beings. For many people, this only occurs for a short period of time, at the beginning of a relationship, when they're "in love," then gradually or quickly fades. But it's possible to live in love in every encounter--which just means to live as this timeless moment and share it knowingly with "another." (Of course, for some mysterious reason, each of us is drawn to particular people who seem to quicken this love in us more than others.
I read this today...and loved it...I want to read..re-read and meditate it...
Relationships, whether they are for fun...or two people looking for deeper meaning and companionship tend to do this..The way that I relate to it, and what I am going to take from it, is just be yourself. Treat a romantic relationship like a friendship.No holds barred. That is what it should be inevitably any way, and if you aren't conducting your romantic relationships like this, then you aren't really allowing your true personality to shine through. This for me is hard to do, this is something that I want to work on. If someone is going to know me, they are going to know me for who I really am..All parts.

Full moon tonight

If you look too deep you will miss what is on the surface.

Rules

The "Rules" of dating are simple.
Be aggressive
Don't be aggressive
Be the chaser
Let them chase you
Ask questions
Don't ask too Many questions
Obsess
Don't obsess
Overanalyze
Don't Overanalyze
Assume
Don't assume
Haahaa yes this cracks me up!!
As new to the "dating" scene
as I am I realize, there really are NO rules
You just have to be yourself and don't question everything
If it "Meant to be" everything else will just fall into place
Life is too short to wait
Seize the moment because you might not get a chance to do what you want or say what you want to say later
Always be honest!! Really if you aren't it will all come out in the wash eventually
Quit looking for "Red" Flags instead Look For "Green" to go...LOL or Yellow to proceed slowly. Or don't look for anything at all...just let it happen, do what you want.Do what feels right...If someone you meet is overanalyzing you then they are probably looking for problems because we all have them. We all have issues with our past, but the past does not have to define our futures. Learning from past experiences is healthy, but it should not define or wash out into our current liasons.
Best dating advice I have given myself lately is really live in the power of the moment, don't hesitate-because you are just pressing pause and who wants to pause in the middle of time..and that is really what it is..we choose to spend the time in our life with someone and let them in and make them a part of that...so why stop and hesitate, plunge right in head first, be yourself and let them see who you really are, without questioning yourself or you intentions, or their intentions...Live happily when you are alone, with family or friends and that inner peace and happiness will wash out into your new relationship!
This is my afternoon babbling rant:)

Romantics

Does sadness feed my inspirations
Does it fuel my imagination
Do I crave the troubled souls
To make myself whole
Do I obsess on others and be codependant
Worrying about them and their Restrains
What do I want deep inside
How to achieve and make it thrive
I want a family
Love as true as my own
To cast out the past
Start shiny and New
I want adoration
Without manipulations
Someones heart with out stipulations
To feel the lift in my gut
Of elation and safety and heartfelt devotion
Will I settle for less
Not at this time
I will find what I want
I will take my time
I want love that is slow
Someone who lingers over a thought
Let's make it happen
Let anxiety go
A tender heart that knows what he wants
An open door in the universe
To walk through hand in hand.

Go Ladies!!!

Woman!
We are much more emotionally in tune than men...most of the time
We can handle pain
We have the ability to bear children and nurture them with our bodies
We kick ass in general in life...Get the job done that needs to get done and look good while doing it!
This subject kept coming up today..so I wanted to comment on it.
You go girls..Take over those action films..take over the country.
Take over the world!

Scenario:)

The word of the day is scenario.
Each day our scenario changes
Each year it changes more
Sometimes it stays the same
Sometimes it changes for the better
Sometimes for what you may think is the worst
Such fear I used to have of change
There was nothing more terrifying to me
Than having to cast myself out into the world
And experience New things
Abruptly my scenario changed
The plot of the Play of my life took a turn
Now there is nothing more exciting to me
Than what each new day
What each new experience will bring
The mundane way in which my life was heading
Was anything but dull to me at the time
But now I know
Now I see
How exciting new experiences
New chances to grow
New ideas
Really are
I thought I had to fill every moment of my life with love
and Pleasing someone else
Like I had something to prove
Now I live for myself
And I see who I really am
Standing alone
Still a lover
Still a giver
But on my terms
Not because I think I have to be to maintain a relationship
So when your scenario
Your plot changes
Don't be a afraid
Because every ending in your life
Is just a new beginning

It happens to us all

Sad and Melancholy
Dejected
Some don't know
Low self esteem
Little voices
We don't listen to
Wandering down a road
Never choosing the right fork
Unaware you are drifting
Along in life
Not knowing
Ignorance is an excuse
Life will expose
Eventually
Our fears
Our wants
Our hurts
Rip away
Delusions
Your in a bubble
But look outside
Mistakes we make
Other wise we wouldn't be ALIVE
The wise say learn from others
But young and free
We make our own choices
To hurt
To Drift
To wander through life
Nothing happens by chance
It's all mapped out
What's for the best
Or the worst
For each of us
Life knows just what we need
To learn
To grow
To sustain
To hurt
To love
To feel sometimes
AN unexpected rush of emotion
The unexpected
Sometimes takes us by surprise
We don't know how melancholy
Our lives have become
Until The wave
The surprise
The pain
Or the elation
Knocks us on our feet
Only wiser do we grow
As life comes in waves
And makes us take hits
Of IT
Hits of life
Hints of wisdom
Socked away
That one day
You use
Apply
Then eventually
You die.

See

When your eyes get opened Then you see Sometimes you want to stay in delusion Something comes along to pop that bubble Makes you feel free again Everything is new Hope Now you know anything can change in an instant Enjoy what you have while it is happening Because you just never know Humans are infallible Only time stands still When you are together It feels real It feels surreal Okay to hurt Because then you can appreciate HAPPY WOW That is how I feel this morning!

Brain Food

The brain is a powerful machine.mechanism...masterful work of art

If you keep telling yourself something

Rationalizing

Working through

Eventually it will become real

Become truth

Be it good or bad

We can convince ourselves of anything

I was in California last week

Visiting Family

A family friend recently started having seizures.

For no reason

Grand mal

Now even though she was always bright and intelligent,

she is now acting like a child

As a self defense mechanism

Her brain has figured out

On it's own that what is triggering them

Is her emotional Responses to Nostalgia and such

So even though she never was before

She is becoming harder and more well...bitchy

Her brain is acting on its own to do what she no longer can

Preserve itself

Should we? Do we not do? The same things in our day to day life

If someone hurts us.Makes us happy.

What we do to hurt ourselves?

Make ourselves happy?

Make allowances

Find yourself out of your box once in a while

Give your brain a jog

See what it comes up with

It really is quiet amazing when you think about it

What you know and don't know

On a scholarly and emotional level

And what you have yet to explore.

Reincarnation

Today at least

On a little cloud again

For now at least

How quickly things change

In the scheme of things

Take each day

And make it count

Don't look back

Don't discount

Don't settle for less

Look at yourself

What you really want

Go for it

Feels like a dream

Real and surreal

Like a movie played

Only for real

I never thought

I would feel like this

So soon

But so long it took

Don't ever think

The next day won't bring

A change

For good or for worse

Not until death do you part

Just until life

Tells you where to stop and where to start

Really look Now

See what matters

When the hearts concerned

Don't make allowance

Leaving for California Today with a smile on my face..surrounded by love of friends and family...warm beautiful weather, the sun is shining...I am full of love and light! It is going to be an awesome and amazing adventure!

April First

Take back LOVE

Erase the care

What would that make me

Empty as a shell

A blue robins egg.

Emptied out

Ever in love

I don't know

Where did it go

It's not here

Summer is coming

Psychic told me

Seasons come

Seasons go

Ten summers in a lifetime

Is nothing

But feels like everything right now

A date

Sentimental Fool

it would seem

You can give it all away

But it will still be there to SMACK You in the face

EVEN AS YOU PRAY NOT TO BE TAKEN AWAY

Look away

Can't face the day

Time for bed

Take care of yourself

Health is the best

Love takes Love gives

Love provides filler in your life

When your not looking Slaps you in the face

Death it feels like

Only worse Because your not

Only gone away

Tell me not to move away Tell me to be alone

While you fill your time

With shit and grime

Dark places I can feel your thoughts

From the front of your head

They radiate Negativity Darkness

Thoughts atrocity

Ruled by your eyes

Your touch

Whats inside Feels like shit

But it's okay As long as I remain In your life Miserably

But thats okay You never cared anyway.

SO fuck you and fuck this fucking day.

THIS

MY HEART FEELS STARK
NAKED EXPOSED
BLOOD FLOWS
FEELS LIKE IT WILL NEVER FADE
BLOOD
THOUGHTS POP
IN MY MIND
JUST TO EXPOSE MY PAIN
NOTHING ELSE WOULD DO
TIME
WITH YOU WILL NOT ERASE
THE PAIN
THE CHOICE WAS MADE
AND NOW I WILL FADE
FROM YOUR LIFE
AS YOU WILLED
WHEN YOU KILLED
OUR LOVE WITH HER
A USELESS IGNORANT SLUT
JUST KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT
PERMANANTLY WITH MY HATE
A SHOT GUN WOULDN'T
BE BIG ENOUGH
TO BLOW HER OFF THE FACE OF THE
UNIVERSE
AND YOU
MY LOVE WAS VAST AND PURE
AND WHOLE
THAT WILL BE YOUR DEMISE
FOR SURE
NEVER TO FEEL THAT UNDYING LOVE AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE
EAP
EVERMORE

POF

More like Plenty of Freaks.
Are there any NORMAL guys out there with there crap together?
UGH.
That is my rant for the day.

Expectations-Don't have them

Standards are one thing.
Expectations are another.
If you have a scenario worked out in your mind...it will most likely be very different from what you have "Imagined"
Now if you are open minded to a situation..and open your mind up to the possibility that anything will happen and not how you are NOT imagining it to be...then you will be FREE.
Free from worry. Free from Fret.
Just do. Stick to your guns. Stick to your morals. If you have any. If you don't that is cool too. But just be. Live. Embrace each day. Really live.Think. Breath. Take in each moment, as it is. Not inside your own head.
This is advice I am giving to myself.

Mapped out

Sometimes your life can change so dramatically,so suddenly,that you are forced to adopt new changes, new habits, new thoughts.
This is not always the easiest thing to do, but I believe necessary. Necessary for your survival.
You think your life has settled...set in stone.You have your path mapped out for you. Got it all figured out. To be happy with this life..in love with this life.And then have it ALTERED. That life as you know it has ended you realize that you don't know who you are independently in ways. In other ways, it forces you to see what you have been missing out on. A world out there of people and things that you didn't even know existed. A park. A person. Other thoughts. Everything is NEW, and in ways you realize, Possibly better. More Romantic. More passionate. More honest. You still like the same things that you liked before, and realize that now you have more time for these things. You are tied to no one. Your life is your own. You do or don't do exactly as you please. The city hasen't moved. The earth hasen't shifted. The Moon still shines each night in the sky. The same moon that you knew. But subtle changes take place. Things that you thought were so important and enjoyable before become more mundane.Replaced by different things. New and more exciting. But the ache in your heart is still there, for your old life.As it starts to fade...you think about it less and less. The heavyness becomes a little bit lighter. You realize that the Sun is still shining.The earth is still orbiting. You are still You. A little stronger. A little wiser. A little more open minded. You didn't think that you would be okay, but you realize day by day that goes by that you are okay...more that okay..mabey starting to feel a little bit of hope for the future. A different future. Not mapped out,but a journey without a compass. Only now you realize that is okay. You didn't need a compass all along, you don't need a map. All you need is yourself...your strength and your ability to embrace change.

UPSIDE DOWN

When your world gets turned upside down..that is exactly how you feel.
Like you are hanging upside down.
Your thoughts become consumed with WHY did this happen.HOW did this happen.
How do you not notice that a MAC truck is headed your way.
When you are happy, you become oblivious. When you trust someone..enough to give them your heart and your hand and your YES I will marry you..you don't notice when someone else creeps in.
When you are in love, you don't examine your mates flaws. You don't say...well I can't be with you because you are selfish or you are superficial.They are with you and that is all that matters.
But should it.
You grew together. You strived.You survived childhood. You got a long. But is that enough..in the end.
NO. It is not.
You don't question the other persons morals. Because you never have had too. Needed to.
You don't find out what kind of a person someone really really is, until they are faced with a difficult decision.
These decisions don't come along everyday.
I believe that they are sent our way. To test our character.To determine our fate.
In my case...it was placed in his way to determine my fate as well.
At first I was angry. I was hurt. I felt cheated.Cheated out of my wedding day. My childhood love. My best friend. My favorite person in the world. HOW could he do this to ME to US?
Sometimes I still feel cheated.
But I am starting to realize...day by day. Sure as the Sun will rise and the Moon will shine at night.
We shape our own destiny. And sometimes when we can't do it for ourselves..something..someone else steps in and helps us along. Sometimes we don't want the bad yucky medicine that hurts us and makes our heart ache, but it will make us better.
And we aren't always given a treat right away in return. Well you gave up this..so you get this. Sometimes it takes time.
Sometimes we have to grow first. Otherwise..mabey we won't appreciate our gift when it is placed in front of us.
Something I have learned from this whole painful bitter ordeal.
You DON'T ever know what life is going to hand you. Be prepared for ANYTHING. Not saying wait for something bad to happen, but you have to roll with the punches.
Feel your feelings. For a while I was allowing myself to be used and justifying doing things that I knew were MORALLY wrong. Things that I was not okay with. On top of that I was repressing my feelings and putting on a facade, because I thought I was "Helping" Or "Going after what I wanted and not giving up"
FUCK that! You should never have to lie.Or do things that feel wrong to you. Or put on a fake face for love. If you do..it is not LOVE at all. Eventually..my self esteem was so affected by doing and acting..and questioning that I couldn't look myself in the eye. And when I did look myself in the eye..it was dim..and sad.
I think the hurt is fading.I think I am growing stronger. I think the gleam in my eye is returning.But it hasen't been easy. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to face in my life, inflicted upon me by someone that was supposed to love me. Care about me. Treasure me.
And that was the hardest part about it really. It's one thing to be violated by a stranger. Another to be completely violated by someone you love.
Everything Is going to be good though. Great even. I live I learn I will love again..this time I know what I want. It is not just going to be a matter of comfort. History. OR convenience. I know enough now to walk away when that red flag flies..and say I am not dealing with that.
And when the Universe is ready for me to walk thru that door..I will be ready for it:)

Word of Advice LADIES

Hey Ladies!
Word of advice. If you have to ASK a man repeatedly if he still cares about/loves his EX..you probably shouldn't be dating him. He is obviously NOT available.
He might be saying he is available....it's called instinct, listen to it..thats why the good GOD gave it to us...it's directly connected to your gut...your nerve endings your brain.
Hello. I know everyone is looking for there HAPPY ENDING. But if your Happy Ending your little slice of happiness involves a man that still lives with his OH SHE IS SO INSIGNIFICANT I SWEAR other...how good is that little slice of sweetness really going to taste...knowing that it still has a chunk of some other LADIES heart attached? A little bitter after taste..for sure.
So next time you meet someone and you have that pivotal moment..that instant attraction..that we get along and have so much to talk about Do all of us a favor and do a little sniffing....if you smell something that smells like shit..it's probably him. He's full of it.