Imbalanced balance

Sometimes I feel like I am fighting with my own brain. I know that the "easy' route would be to go on medication, but I would rather take responsibility for my own feelings on my own. I feel that the power of the brain, and the power of positivity is stronger than a pill. I have always had ups and downs, highs and lows, and am just accostomed to it. For a brief time, when I was younger, I was put on medication to "regulate' this slight chemical imbalance that I deal with, but it made me feel like I was out of control, with no boundaries, anything goes. I think a little bit of sadness goes a long way, as far as my personality goes, in being more empathatic towards myself and others. Who wants to be on a happy trip all the time?
A happy trip induced by medication. I know that a lot of people would argue that this would be "beneficial" in my day to day life, but I find that what truly works is sunshine, hot tea, baths, reading, meditation, and recognizing when I need to do these things. Nothing wrong with a little personal reflection, right?
I don't know why I have the sudden need to defend my choice to stay off of medication, but I do. Nobody is pressuring me to do it. My own brain screams at me sometimes though. Hits me with moments of sadness so strong that I start to cry for no reason at all. I consider this a positive thing somtimes, considering I went a long time without crying at all. Wondering to myself, is something wrong with me that I feel nothing at all. I know now that the cause of this was a strong repression of what I wanted ...also known as CO-DEPENDANCY. Such a strong need to take care of everyone else, there problems, there needs, there wants, that I was more than willing to overlook my own desires. It even got to the point that I no longer knew what my desires for my own happiness and well being were anymore. What was a real eye opener for me was this- I thought that this was love. Yuck. I am thankful that I realized this now, while I am still young, to change.
Which brings me to change. My life has changed so much this past year, that I don't know if I would recognize my old life if it was sitting right in front of me. Complacent no more, someone should right a book about that. What I thought was me, what I thought was love, what I thought was happiness were all illusions, my own illusions that I was responsible for. What a real eye popper for me to discover was that I was perfectly willing to accept this life, without question. Did nothing to help myself, but was literally ripped out of it by betrayals and lies- one after another, stacked upon each other so high they toppled. Toppled on top of me, shattered my illusions. Thank you!! Thank you!! I want to scream sometimes, so grateful that everything happened the way it did. Grateful that I see my own worth now. Grateful, that I know that that I don't have to ride on someone elses wants and needs to be happy. That I don't have to be in such a constant state of NEED that will never be filled. I take the blame, some blame, for this. We are ALL responsible for our decisions, for our life, our own happiness. We can either live in a state of denial, out of fear, or we can touch on the deepest part of ourselves, again and again and again, until we know each part of our soul- what makes us happy, what we are willing to take and not take,and not give, and settle for nothing less. Or we can live in a state of complacency, based on fear of the unknown. Everyones choice is there own, everyone has there own lessons to learn. What I value will NOT be compromised.
Honesty...number one. My own and that of others. There is so much dignity in telling the truth, for standing up for yourself, for owning your actions. Laughter. Love. There is so much more to give, that people forget about in the superficial society that we live in that is priceless.
This is what I ask for, for myself. Even in my constant state of imbalance, these are the things that won't change. That are set in stone.