Nothing more then feelings

Our minds can be a safe harbor, a warm retreat- or a cage. They can make us feel happy or hopeless, angry, bitter, or overwhelmed. Anxiety can overtake us as our minds churn through the garbage and glitter, it's possible to get too far lost in thought and the imagination will find a way to create the worst of all possibilities. However, our thoughts can also give our life meaning and a much deeper purpose can be found within ourselves through them. Every person has the ability to be happy with nothing more then their basic needs for food and shelter being met and our own minds. Some people have achieved an inner peace so great that they don't even need that much (Jesus and Gandhi are a few of them that come to mind.) Thoughts become actions, and actions make up our life as we know it. 
More and more often lately I have been writing down my thoughts in a journal in an effort to better see and analyze my own thoughts, a habit that I have had since childhood. This has become a different experience lately, and I think it is because I am more self aware; the thoughts themselves become reality- instead of fleeting bubbles of smoke, jumbled together in a mass of gray nothingness, with nowhere to go they become something I can see with my eyes.
Sometimes I read what I wrote afterwards and think of how silly my feelings were that day, and other days I see something so right and profound that I am moved to make changes to my life.  Today, while writing some things down I discovered that my secret thoughts can be scarier inside my head then on paper. Writing them down helped me face my actual thoughts head on, instead of just being afraid of them and hence avoiding them.  Feelings that I need to face head on, or they are going to consume me. I felt a need to spring to some sort of action, and deal with the feelings head on.
Being self aware is a strange thing. I know why I make the choices that I do, because I try to live with a sense of purpose. But, I have also learned that just because I am consciously making the choices that I make concerning my own life, it never guarantees the outcome of what the feelings/events and situations around me are going to be as the actual events of life occur. We can all make the choices that we make, but nobody, but God, can see the event unfolding. We cannot see the future or even begin to guess what other humans beings around us are going to do. We can only act with our own intentions, and be in each moment as it comes.
I try to remind myself that life is an ever changing thing, and that is what makes it beautiful and exciting. When we stop seeking new experiences, making mistakes and learning we cease to really live, and are just existing. We can choose to view life and the experiences within it as trials or challenges. We can laugh at the absurd, delight in the magic-or wallow in the mire of our own creation.
Nothing within our spirits or the spirits of others is tangible.You cannot taste or touch laughter, but it is something that most people enjoy. Love, integrity and respect are not something that can be purchased.  New experiences and ways of living are an endless supply or free gifts if we are open to receiving them. Our lives are in a constantly changing flux of motions, and energies that constantly change as the events of our lives unfold and these things can be happening to us mysteriously and spontaneously or with us resisting everything and everyone all the time.We can be like a leaf, gently floating down a river, with ever changing scenery. Or a rock, stubbornly waiting, and holding on to our set ideas and notions as everything-beautiful and ugly passes us by.
Thankfully we can change our path or way of living at any moment as long as we are still in our physical body. Our attitude about things can be turned around at any time, simply by using the power of our minds and actions.
Today, and everyday I hope to exist in a state of absurd delight. I will embrace challenges, and open myself to new ideas.

Olga

Dear Aunt Noni,
I miss you so much.
I wish
I wouldn't
have taken
your presence
for granted.
I miss seeing you.
Your commanding presence,
holding court in your restaurants.
I love you so much.
Cleaning your houses with you,
you always worked so hard,
and showed me how to do the same.
The way you got up at five a.m everyday,
doing your books,
getting dressed in business clothes,
beautiful jewelry and hair,
stunning nails.
It's hard to describe you,
in this way.
But I know,
I don't ever want to lose
a single memory of you.
I loved when
you would cook spaghetti for us,
at your cabin.
I could see you were happy,
when you were in love,
and the love you carried inside
always showed for us.
You spoiled us ridiculously,
even though our parents
hated it.
I am so proud of you,
and what you were.
I am happy,
that I got to be your niece.
Your energy is missed,
here on Earth,
by me.
I hope that you are happy,
wherever you are,
and that someday,
I will get to see you again.

New Year Resolution Update

My New Year's resolution for 2015 was to live my life free of expectations. When I made the resolution my intention was positive, even though it sounds very negative when you say it out loud. The purpose of the resolution was to help free my mind of any preconceived notions.  Mainly, because I was finding more and more often that if something, anything, didn't go the way that I had envisioned it to go in my mind, even before the event occurred, I would sometimes become very disappointed, or angry, or upset. It just was not cosmically possible for things to happen the way I intended them to go all of the time, and more often than not I was allowing it to steal my joy from situations. The tipping point was New Years Eve 2015, Andy and I were invited to a party at a new coworkers house. When we arrived, and it became very clear as the night wore on,that we were going to be the only other party goers with my very attractive, single, female coworker. I was also the only one not drinking among the three of us that night. As the night wore on my jealousies and insecurities were raging inside. I got so mad when Andy didn't "kiss me the way I wanted to be kissed at midnight." I am laughing at my own ridiculousness now, but at the time the upset was real. The holiday had been partly ruined, in my mind.  Of course that wasn't true. I actually had a pleasant time, and I would have had an even better time if I hadn't let my preconceived notions and other jack ass emotions control my mind.  Looking back on things now, I think that everything happened the way it did for a reason.  I decided the next day that I was going to try to do something different so that situations such as this would be no more.

So, for the last year I have been making a conscience effort to just let things happen. I have tried to not make movies in my mind before attending parties, going to work, or spending time with friends or loved ones. At first, it was harder to let go of the crazy notions my mind was creating all of the time. It seems the mind wants to explore the worst, instead of the best possible outcomes most of the time. I rarely find myself thinking about things that make me happy, but instead things that anger, frustrate, scare and upset me. Areas of my heart that carry resentment seem to be the thoughts that like to pop up, more than the happy, positive moments (I'm sure there is psychological reason for this, but I would rather explore it philosophically). As time went on, the more that I practiced not having these conversations with myself, and just allowed moments in my life to come the more aware I became of what was really going on in my world. My heart became open to receiving new experiences, and they were a million times better then the ones I had been creating in my mind.
I'm excited for 2016. I feel that I have made some great progress this year in my life in areas that needed some love and attention, such as my jealousy and insecurities, and I am ready to face the new year with a more open mind and a more open heart. Bring it on!

For the record I am also really, really good friends now with my attractive, not single anymore beautiful co-worker.

How to be happier

I am writing this in the hope that it will help others. Suicides and mass shootings are more prevalent now then they have ever been. Too many are deciding that killing themselves and others is the solution. Depression can be a result of a chemical imbalance, or it could be caused by environmental factors, everybody is different. The bottom line is that nobody is free of problems, and our minds have a way of compounding them. Life can be extremely frusturating and unfulfilling sometimes.  It doesn't matter who you are, sadness affects everybody, and for some, giving up may feel like the only choice.
Here is a thought though.
You are in control of your mind, and your life. For me, sometimes the simplest solutions are the ones that help the most when I feel bleak and empty.  I am not claiming to have the answers to cure depression, but here are a few insights I have gathered from friends and family that help me when I am feeling depleted.

1. Think of a time when you were happy. Now remind yourself that you will have more of these moments. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.

2. If you are unhappy about something that has not actually happened, or happened in the past, let it go. Forgiveness is not for the person you are forgiving, but for yourself. Free yourself. The present moment is now, and that is what matters. Don't let the ghosts of your past ruin your now.

3. Look at life as a series of moments, rather then one long one. For me, mentally  breaking life up into moments instead of a single long moment helped create a different perspective at how I look at my life. Some moments are good, some bad, some mundane. Add the moments up and you have the movie that is your life.

4. Remind yourself of the big picture. Time will pass, and the scenery of your life will change too. Nobody can see into the future, and life surprises us, sometimes. No matter how bleak the situation, it can always improve in an instant.

5. Don't ever give up. Everybody has a special gift to offer the world, and even if you don't know what your gift is yet, that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. If you are alive and reading this, you have already influenced someone just by being.

6. Keep yourself busy. If your having trouble controlling your thoughts, the worst thing you can do is wallow in them. Start doing something, anything to busy yourself, even if it's just the dishes.

7. Get out of the house. Go for a walk, go to the mall. Sometimes just crossing a threshold can create a new perspective.

8. If you are a believer, pray. I rely on God to give me strength when I don't have it myself.

It's totally normal to be sad or have anxiety sometimes too. Life is both beautiful and tragic. Keep your chins up and your lights shining.

Thought caves

Hunt down your true self,
inside.
Pave the way,
through the chaos.
Break the thoughts,
that stop the flow.
Let fear subside.
Nothing can hurt you,
in your head.
Voices from the past,
skeletons dance across,
repressions song.
Whirling and twirling,
waves of air,
dissapating,
a way--
Deep down inside,
your soul is a cave,
it's a place,
where a well
of doubt resides. 
Abolish it,
dry it out.
Quiet the voices, of
things that stop you,
demons,
binding your psyche. 
Don't allow The haters,
the slayers of imagination,
to stop you.
Many things can be heard,
among the silence.
Past the inner findings,
the desperate writhings,
the tortured darkness,
of your mind,
you will find you.

Perspectives

My perspective has slowly been shifting, over time.
Consciously awakening myself to new thoughts.
Ideas that calm my spirit.
I have always been overly emotional.
It's not fair--was my chosen phrase.
Expecting too much.
Doing something that I thought was fun,
or stimulating,
all of the time.
Or I wasn't happy.
Bored and depressed,
even feeling useless, at times.
Jumping from emotion to emotion.
A rabbit running through a field.
Here is how I gained a more positive outlook--
By lessening my expecations,
of what life is supposed to give me.
I found a new perspective.
Life is bound to be boring, sometimes.
Everyday like the next,
is not the worst thing ever.
To be living and breathing itself,
is enough excitement.
The world seems so gentle and kind,
with my lessened expectations.
Content, with the little things.
I don't expect more, but it will find me.
Maybe not everyday, but somedays.
And that is fine with me.

My man

My man is strong, he never gives up. He is always standing tall in my mind.
He protects me with a vengeance, I always feel safe with him.
He is my mighty bulwark, my strong wall-against which I lean.
You will never meet a man, like mine.

My man is handsome, gleaming gold-inside and out. He beams with light. His eyes are as blue as the bluest ocean-they wash with emotion when he is upset, and light my sky when he is happy.

I can't help but be in love with this man.
I don't know what I would do without my man.

New year

Day three of the year. I am going to be writing more, a lot more. 
What I am going to write about is still unclear. I am hoping that by being more observant I will have more to report.
I really couldn't have been blessed with a better husband. I just love Andy. He really loves me and wants me to be happy. I have never had that before. He is hard working, loving, caring, and a good Father. No complaints on my marriage.
I feel like I need to work on myself, mainly. The things that I complain about seem so childish to me after I have a fit.  Such as New Years Eve. The situation that happened ended up being not what I had envisioned our night to be and I got upset.  And it was not by any means a bad night at all. In hindsight the night happened the way it did to show me some important things.
I thought that I had learned the lesson of "not having preconceived notions" a long time ago, but I needed a refresher course. Things do not always happen as we plan or expect them to happen. Rarely do they happen that way.  Other stuff happens that is out of our control all of the time.  Go with the flow.
The other big thing that I would really like to change about myself is STILL healing from the past and the trust issues that I experience still because of it.  I am obviously glad that I didn't marry the wrong person and that it happened the way it did, and I am with Andy now. But I wish that I did not have trust issues still because of it. Andy is the most trustworthy man I have ever met. But the feelings still come and they still suck. I know where they stemmed from, and that is what upsets me. I hate that what happened still affects me. It's not happening now and I wish the old feelings would never resurface. I never had trust issues before, if anything, I was too trusting.  I don't want to feel jealous and insecure when we are around other girls. I don't feel that this is really me, and I want myself back. It is getting better and better as time goes on, but it still happens.  I can't believe that my psyche is still rattled from that experience in 2010.
The new year has already taught me a lesson. Let go of my expectations.  This may sound negative- but, it is actually not. Without expectations we open up ourselves to the Universe and whatever it may bring our way. Narrow sighted perceptions will be widened. If I don't expect anything, then every moment will be a surprise. I am opening myself up like a lotus flower to new experiences and change. Bring them on!
I will spend my time studying art and philosophy, writing and listening.
2015 for me will signify natural change. I will grow, I will progress. In what ways is yet to remain unseen.

One Person Army

There is this scared feeling inside of me, that all of the beauty in the world is going to be wiped out by big money.
We keep building fast food restaurants, chain malls, car dealerships, Wal-mart, McDonalds, Jack in the Box-you get the picture. All you have to do is look down the street.  Why do we need so many? The buildings are just ugly, and they are everywhere.
We live on a beautiful planet, yet we cover it with asphalt and Taco bell's. We drink Diet Cancer and Big Mac's. Our grocery stores are stocked with food-that is full of chemicals and is actually giving everyone a nutritional deficit, instead of doing what food is supposed to do, nourish us. Ninety percent of the food that you buy is full of chemicals that a chemist could not identify. Mind numbing, addictive, cancer causing chemicals. Now the government has passed a law saying that they don't have to listen to the advice of scientists. They will hire their own people to approve the effects of the chemicals on people.It's "funny" how quickly the Senate was able to agree on this change.
The main problem is that most people just don't know what they are really consuming. They don't really realize what they are really eating is not really food at all anymore. T.V. tells us what to buy.
Advertisements and the media exist so that people will buy things. The product advertisements give people extremely false impressions.  It seems like guzzling a Pepsi will make you the most beautiful person in the world, or a cool superhero like Batman. Allow me to give you a reality check. You are giving yourself diabetes, making yourself obese and possibly giving yourself cancer.  If they showed someone who had a lost a foot to diabetes on a Pepsi commercial instead of (fill in the blank famous person) that would be more accurate as to the effects of the product. This is clearly not is what is being portrayed.
However, the more people that buy these products the more money the corporations make who are advertising the product.  The more corporations make the more taxes they pay and the taxes go to make the world a better place for the people that are purchasing the goods...right? WRONG. That money goes to make the rich richer and poor sicker and poorer. And, in my opinion the buildings make the world an uglier place.
The health of the world is in trouble.  Look around you. I see humans wiping ourselves out, and the biggest threat that we have is ourselves. The best thing that we can do is educate ourselves and then make different choices. Money does not really make our planet go around, we do. We don't have to live on this planet covered in strip malls we can make things beautiful again.
We can all be our own one person army if we want to be. I am.

Be yourself

"I am different than anyone you will ever meet". This statement could be said about any person on Earth. Yet-we are all the same, we have all experienced happiness and we have all struggled.  We are all ONE. Treat others as you would treat yourself. Be the change that you want to see in this world. That does not necessarily mean doing charity, or going to church everyone. Something as small as a smile transcends language.

Voices in my head

We all have voices in our heads. Yes! Everyone is crazy. These voices are nothing more than our thoughts, though, and nothing to worry about most of the time. I am not talking about schizophrenia right now. Bringing awareness to thought is my goal.  Our thoughts are what drive our actions. Actions make us, and make the world around us. They are what really makes the world go round. So what are our thoughts then? They are the foundation for our actions.

Listen to the Voices

Listen to the voices in your head. Pay attention to what they are saying. Be an outside observer of your thoughts though. Listening without acting gives me the opportunity to analyze what the different voices are saying. Be an outside observer to your thoughts. Acknowledge them. Don't be afraid of them. We cannot help and heal our inner self if we aren't listening to what is really being said in our minds. Listening takes the pressure off. It gives us a real idea of what is going on inside, and then stops feeling like chaos in our mind, because we are just observing.

Our minds do not have to be our prisons. The voices do not have to rule what happens in our life. We have the ability to pick and choose from our thoughts, and make those thoughts reality through our actions. Beliefs are nothing without actions, and actions start with belief.

Different personalities

After listening to what my thoughts were saying. I noticed some different patterns developing. The different "voices", or thoughts that I was having were sometimes intrusive. Unwanted thoughts would creep up all of the time. I wanted to be happy, carefree and enjoying what I was doing...but then these thoughts would come into my mind. They would judge me, judge others, berate me, and even make me afraid sometimes. Other times my thoughts would make me feel happy, or creative or strong. A few times I had very dark thoughts that scared me. I realized that these thoughts were my deepest, darkest fears. Those are always the ugliest voices.
I think that the time in between these thoughts is when we are most in the moment.
I have identified at least three different personalities within my thoughts (wow, that sounds crazy).
They are completely contradictory to each other, which is just great!They are always competing with each other, which makes more stress in my mind.  The silent killer. These thoughts are very real for me. They do affect me. They cause feelings. They do cause stress, high blood pressure, anxiety. Thoughts are invisible, except to the one having them. They cease to be invisible then and take our mind/our brains/our hearts.

One of my personalities is afraid of EVERYTHING. In her mind the boogy man is coming whether it be an animal attack or a rape or a murder. She is always looking over her shoulder. Doom!  She cannot relax, she is afraid all of the time. She is afraid of noises when she is alone. She is afraid of the dark, of being hurt, and dying. She is a terrible hypochondriac, something is always wrong. This voice makes my blood pressure go up. She has caused me the most stress in my life, even as a child.
The second one is the personality that I most relate to, and listen to.She is a bad ass. She has a spine of steel, and is afraid of NOTHING. She is brilliant, and stops at nothing to get what she wants. She is logical, and philosophical.  I like this voice the best. She has a heart of gold, and always wants to do the right thing. She is a goal setter, and she attains these goals. She is successful. This is my goddess self.
The third one is a judgemental nag. She can't let anything go, and constantly tries to talk to me about other people.She brings people I don't like to mind. This voice wants to put me down. She wants drama.  She puts notions in my head, that aren't the truth-reality. I shut this voice down quickly if I can. My least favorite thoughts come from this personality.

We all have different personalities in our thoughts. Look for a pattern in your thoughts, then just listen to them. They don't have to be reality,just observations.

The more you are able to identify and just listen-rather than be these thoughts the more time is spent in the moment. We can act consciously rather than impulsively. This gives us more control over our destinies.  Only then does our true self emerge, and we are truly living. Not just existing in our thoughts.

Goddesses Rising

WE AREN'T GOING TO TAKE IT. NO WE AREN'T GOING TO TAKE IT!!! Females are not going to take sexism any longer. We will not be told that we cannot make the same wages as men for the same job. We are not going to be told not to wear something because it's too sexy. Too sexy for who? The men? Or wear this, it's sexy. Again? For who? We won't be told we can't do anything. Because you know what? We will do it, and we will do it better.  All sexists just stand back. Stand back and stare. Try and stop us.
The goddesses are rising. We have been growing stronger and stronger- while you have been sitting around with your hands in your pants. We have been rising quietly from the waters of equality. Now we have risen.
The more times that you try and keep a woman down, the more she will get back up. Each time this happens, she grows stronger. So keep your hand on our ass, keep your eyes on our breasts. While you have been distracted with your cock and balls in your hand, we have been taking over the world.
We haven't been walking around with the same sense of entitlement that you men have. We have had to work for equal rights. Woman have fought for their rights for as long as civilization has existed. Men have expected woman to bear the children, take care of the children, lay on there backs and make more children and...well let's be honest...woman take care of most everything else as well. So, we have laid here. We have been bearing your children and caring for your homes and you. We have fed you and nurtured you with our breasts. No woman ever came from a man's body.  We have just made things better all around.
Now, add in the facts. In the last century women have also entered the workplace and the political arena. Yet, despite the fact that tons of woman have been doing great things we are still looked at as less competent than the men. By the men. Anything you can do, we can do better.
I am not saying that men don't do great things as well. That they cannot be the nurtures of the children, and hold down a job. I am married to this man. I am talking about the majority.  There are plenty of men that I have great respect for.
Woman have to work to be noticed and then they have to work to be respected and taken seriously. Sexy clothes are worn to get mens attention and also to distract them.  Also, to compete with other woman. Being "sexy" is a double edged sword sometimes.  Sexy clothes draw the eyes of men and women alike. A beautiful woman will make you stop and stare.  Women have been raped for their beauty. Women fear for their beauty when they go out in public. I have been undressed by a mans disrespecting eyes more than once. I have been afraid to walk down an alley. Men do not live with this feeling.
Women are constantly challenging one another and themselves, they do this unconsciously and consciously.  The constant challenge that we place on ourselves to take care of this family, this home, earn this paycheck, get equal wages, vote, look good, avoid getting ogled or even raped, and even go to school have only made woman evolve into something stronger. We ARE goddesses rising, and this is only the natural evolution or things. Creating a "rape culture", or over sensationalizing sex in the media is not going to stop women from being equal. The media loves to bring a distraction, that is part of  how our "big brother" culture operates.
I have no doubt that we are going to have a woman president. In fact, I just have a feeling that the time is coming soon. Woman are rising and they are also being persecuted for their good deeds all over the world. Sorry guys, we aren't going to lie on our backs for you anymore, and keep quiet. See us rising gloriously from the waters. Hear our siren calls.

Cloud shapes

Inner peace is an endless horizon.
Lavender blue and periwinkle skies-
stacks of white slowly floating by.
It is surreal to watch them, so grand- so high.
I daydream, and they become shapes.
It looks like the gates of heaven have opened.
Heralding angels fill the sky.
The meadow is glittering like emeralds,
white sunlight beams through the clouds,
lulling me to sleep in a gentle dream.

Father

Today I decided to call my biological Father. I wanted Andy to "meet" him. I have not seen him for about ten years, and before that I hadn't seen him since I was very little.I have not spoken with him since the last time I saw him.
We haven't always had the closest relationship, you could say--since he put my sisters and I in foster care while my Mom was having brain surgery. My opinion of him up to today was that he brings new meaning to the word "bastard," and who could blame me, after what happened...my whole life.
I don't know why I have always wanted to know him, I guess it's because he made me. I had a loving Father growing up. He took care of me, and loved me. So why this attraction to Val(Valentino)?
I think that it goes beyond knowing that I look like him, and probably act like him...even if I don't know him--really.
The phone call went like this:
"Hello" (him).
"Hi, is this Val?" (even thought I knew it was).
"Hi Val, this is your daughter, Farra".
"Who?"
"Farra...your daughter".
"Oh! Farra!"

Followed by, what was surprisingly, a nice chat. I found him sweet and easy to talk to. He was not rambling on as much as the last time that I spoke to him-about the War (WW2), old Italy, past mistakes. He seemed to be in the moment and genuinely happy to hear from me. He told me repeatedly that he thought of me all of the time.  He shared valuable information with me about my genealogy, family medical history and told me some about my Mom when she was young.
He turned 80 on April 3rd, but he was able to use a cell phone easily to get me a number and seemed coherent. Although he did say that senility was creeping up on him.
He told me that a Fuoco trait is to be friendly and charming--diplomatic. He told me that my biological half sister Shirley was that way, as is he.
He told me that my Great Grandmother--his Mother's last name, was Brunetti (Bruno) which originates from the word "brown" because of there brown complexions.  They were the second wealthiest family in the "village," (Florence in the 1100's-1200's and then Palermo in 1282). This information is very valuable to me. I have always had questions about who I am, and where I came from. Who am I?
He told me that he had a psychiatrist appointment. He told me that he had PTSD from being put into a boxcar during the war. I felt bad for him. I could tell that he was still carrying a lot of guilt around with him. Things that he had done, and things that he had not done. Things that he did and did not have control over.
He told me that my Mom used to like to smoke joints and that he didn't like it. He told me that she was his psychiatrist, and that she was too beautiful to resist. The way that he said he didn't really know what he was doing with my Mom for 10(13) years while he was married etc. made me think that I got the chemical imbalance that I have from him-- and that he needs to quit lying and making excuses. He is either senile, or he has lied so many times that he does not remember the truth.
He asked if he could call me, and I told him that he could. Part of me feels guilty--to my Mom and to my Dad. But I believe in forgiveness. I believe that there is enough Love for everyone. I don't want to live my life in fear anymore. That means I am not going to NOT do something, out of fear of what someone else will think. I don't love my Dad any less, if I allow myself to love and forgive my biological Father---and that is that.
He told me that he loves me and I said the same at the end of the call.
In conclusion, I am glad that I called.

New day

The dawn is silent.
While we are sleeping,
the sun is waking.
I contemplate the silence for a moment,
and celebrate in my heart the coming of a new day.
I pray for peace for all that are suffering,
and the continuation of happiness for those not.
This moment is right now,
and each second propels us
into the future.
My heart rejoices for this day.
The simple pleasures that await.
A friend,
a meal,
my family.
Welcome new day,
I embrace all that you bring.

Oil and Hamburger Helper

We need a revolution. Most people that I know care about our planet. But it seems that the people that are in political control care more about the dollars in their pockets then our planet Earth. Why are we still producing gasoline powered vehicles?  We have already established that we can make electric or even hybrid vehicles. But oil is lucrative, not electricity.
If you go to the grocery store in America the shelves are stocked with food-food that is filled with cancer causing preservatives. We have already established that this is harmful to people. It makes them stupider, it causes cancer, it causes birth defects. Why doesn't our food come with warning labels? Why are we still producing it.
WE aren't! Greedy corporations, politicians and the FDA are not the ones eating the hamburger helper, yet they are the ones feeding us it in bulk.  It is the middle class that is being fed the shit so that the ones in control can have more money.
It would certainly help if the ones in control, the ones making the decisions were more trustworthy.It would help the people and our planet if these people would take a step back and actually CARE about people.. I don't feel that they do.
I feel that we are overproducing a bunch of shit.
We NEED change!!

How to be Happy

How to be Happy

Make time to be around other humans.

(in person)

Find out what YOU actually like to do.

(find time to do it)

Laugh as much as possible.

(Look for funny stuff, and you will find it)

Be in Nature.

Be around animals.

Be around kids.

(they teach you how to be unselfish)

My Tree

My tree is majestic and beautiful;
her leaves blow gracefully,
whispering a song with the wind.
A sound as light as air-
if you want to hear you have to listen.
My tree is wise and knows the secret of life.
Do not fight the wind, let it blow around you.
She is pregnant with fruit,
orbs ripe, bursting with juice. 
A feast for the birds, the bugs and the human.
Rooted to the Earth she stands tall,
her trunk never sways-
not even for the strongest storm.

Hurt

The first time that I remember being aware of what it meant to get hurt I was under five years old. I was at my cousins house and we were playing in the grass in the back yard. We decided to play with the sprinkler, which was stored in a shed, on the uppermost shelf. The Rainbow sprinkler was metal and when you turned it on, it made a rainbow in the spray.
I climbed up on top of something and reached for it (I can see this memory clearly in my mind, as if it was yesterday). I grasped the sprinkler and pulled it towards myself--right towards my face. The next thing I knew I had a gash in my forehead and my Aunt Faith was doctoring the wound.
Prior to this incident, I had been hurt but I had not become aware of what "getting hurt" meant or even was. So, when I reached for the sprinkler I had one thought. To get it down, and play with it. There was no fear that I would become injured, because that concept did not exist to me yet.
To me, this incident was significant. I remember being conscience of what it means to feel pain.
I feel like most of my life I have spent being very self aware. Even as a child I worried about getting hurt. This is burdensome to me sometimes.Other times I think that it helps me to be more careful with other people's feeling and beings. I don't want anyone to feel pain, emotional or physical.
Fear causes me irrational anxiety. I fear getting hurt and I fear someone I love being hurt. I tend to spend a lot of time in solitude thinking and then worrying and then praying. I pray for people I love, and I pray for people that I hate. I have spent many hours fearing imminent death, even when I am just sitting or showering.  I have allowed the fear of being hurt stop me from giving my whole heart to another person; and I pray that these walls around my heart will fully come down again some day so that I can live without irrational fear.

Salty Plums

I grew up in a very religious household. Several times each week my Mom would sit with me and my sisters and study the Bible. When we were very little, it would be more picture drawing and more stories about Jesus. As we got older the messages would be more adult.
Our Bible studies would include stories that included the messages like masturbation was wrong in God's eyes and that we should be ready for the day when God would bring about a new Earth, in the form of Armageddon.  They also included attending meetings three times a week, for hours. The fellowship was what I always enjoyed the most. I fit in and made friends; but gradually my rebellion, will and guiding forces that put those feelings into me pulled my mind in other directions. By the time I was twelve I told my Mom that I did not want to attend. It has and continues to be a goal of my Moms to encourage me to attend since this time when I was twelve to now.

When I was eleven I was molested. When I finally disclosed this to my Mother a year later I was told that it was a "dream," and sent out of the room while my parents discussed it with members of our religion. It took me until I was twenty years old to forgive my parents for this incident. It changed who I was at that time. I was a teenage girl who did not know how to change the way that I felt or even recognize it. Needless to say, I was very wild and sexually promiscuous at a young age. Ditching school was a daily event--to hang out with friends.  This was at fourteen and fifteen years old. While I thought nothing of using drugs or sneaking alcohol I was still very bright. I excelled at school-making honor roll and participating in my schools journalism program.
When I got suspended from school in eighth grade for selling drugs at school the Principal told my Mom that I should be a lawyer and that I had saved myself from expulsion. I was also suspended for fighting.
When I was put on prescriptions(Zoloft, Trazadone and eventually Paxil) for my behaviour they made me even more carefree. I was eventually removed from school and home schooled. I know now at this time that my Mom did not know what to do with me, and in her mind she was doing what she thought was best for me the entire time. I did end up graduating with my class.

When I was twenty I forgave my parents for doing this to me. I decided that I wanted to have a relationship with them, and that I did indeed love them. From that point on, I knew that the decisions that I were making where mine and mine alone to make. I did not have the incident from my childhood to blame any more. I could not bring myself to forgive the religious organization, yet. I had no interest in the teachings, or the people.
I always felt guilty. I always felt like I was apologizing to God, no matter what I was doing. It was wrong, because I wasn't doing what I was "supposed to be doing". I was also very young, so at the time, I was not even able to process the feelings of guilt as being just that. It truly was guilt, and I was sure that I was sinning every moment that I was living just by leading the lifestyle that I was living.
The result of these feelings was that I had very low self esteem. Like I said, I see that now. I often wish that the me that I am now could go shake the me that I was in my twenties. It's funny, because life doesn't work like that. It happened and it can't unhappen.
I have my own relationship with God now. I realized that I had all along, and all along he was with me. Keeping me safe in situations that were not safe. I don't feel guilty for what I am not doing any longer, I feel free. 


This is part of my story.