Just my thoughts

So, iv'e been trying to give myself some psychotherapy. I have confidence in the fact that I am capable of healing my inner wounds myself. I know myself better than anyone. The girl that got fucked over needs to get over it. I'm sick of holding back from trusting when trust is warranted. I have probably lost a friendship from this stain. I hold back from trusting my husband. As a happily married newly wed I have NO reason not to trust Andy. He has never done anything but try and show me how much he loves me, and the thought of him straying is a laugh to anyone else. But the fucked up girl inside of me takes over, and keeps me from having friendships with girls, because they are pretty. She sits inside of me, stewing about whether or not Andy is cheating or thinking about cheating. He really does not deserve this. He is the most loyal person I have ever met! We have a beautiful love, and a beautiful relationship. There is no reason for me to still feel this way. My wounds should have healed long ago, but I guess some are deeper than we realize. In my psychotherapy session today, I realized this. Just touching a feeling sometimes still hurts, it might take me a lifetime to stop feeling like this. But I am sick and tired of feeling like this. A long time ago, I realized that I am beautiful. I am me. No matter what happens, I love myself. That will not leave me. But now I want to let all the bitter feelings of jealousy and hurt that happened to leave my soul. I deserve to give myself the gift of happiness. I am only going to be a newly wed once, and I want to enjoy if fully- not worrying about losing it, or fearing that someone else if going to swoop in and take it away. I learned last week that life is unpredictable and precious, when I lost a childhood friend. Someone who I ran with in track. He was fast and the last person I would have expected to take his own life and that of another. R.I.P. Patrick. I hope all of his hurt has gone away. I have a beautiful life and love, I cannot comprehend how much hurt he must have been feeling, even at my worst. I hope that I am able to continue working on my own demons on my own. For myself and for Andy. He deserves to have me one hundred percent. I deserve it.

In Memory of Patrick

I didn't know you well,
but I will never forget your face.

Time took it's toll on you too young,
what you were born, and who you were-
was too much for you, and the pain took it's toll.

Darkness came into your life and took too much.
It came and stole your sunshine, and you couldn't
find your way off of the shadowed path.

You will be missed, you were loved.
Now you can heal, in the light up above.

Good Night Lullaby

All along I have pictured someone strong
Thee self that you project by strings of lies
Stow sadness hidden so deep something dark
Dwells inside of the madness in your mind
You alone hold the key to my psyche
My hate for you needs to be quelled with love
That is the only way that I can live
Free from your tortured soul from your sick mind

I look within self to find compassion
I pray for help to calm our tortured minds

My Momma and Me

Spring is almost over; summer is coming
Darkest sky of night, moon above
We are all; we are none
My peace rests in my Mother; in her is me
She knows me best; time and love
Us Forever one sky; one love
Of all above; on self
In us; we never rest
The restless spirit flies; and dreams
Things out of reach; within reality
I came into this world, in her
In her lives me; all time
Since I have known myself; and she has known
All time; infinity; eternity
In life; in dreams
In things that are from beyond what we can see
We can't change time, we can't change eternity
In us it lives; it lives in our love
In the dreams that we dream
In our minds
In our lives
Do things happen; time space continuim
Or does what we do
Propel us from Earth
Into our thoughts; into our dreams
Into things in between
Into the space we waste
On our fears
Freaking night terrors
Silent screams, dreams
All that I am is you Mom
The scares and the fears
The restless spirit that flies
Tries to lie in her poems
Of things that are rooted
When my feet fly; fast with fear
What is real; what is past
What is in me, Ma
That makes me this way
Full of fear
Full of hope, full of Love
All that is near, far, everywhere
My restless spirit flies with you
Ma
All that I am; what I love
What you gave me
Life
Me

Live free! Live for Love!

When our minds want to escape reality, it does. There is a sleuth of different ways that the mind somehow finds to do this, including mental madness.  Sleeping, eating,  and other habits that over take us;
Far from our comfortable wonderful families that we love,sometimes can be a harsh effect.  Other times to help us relax our minds, relax, take the stress off from our days. To change with friends, relax and imbibe.
Why do we do what we do?
Is there a time and a place for everything?
Everything is with us and we are with it.
Live free and live for LOVE!!!

ThgiN

Give me all of your secrets of beauty!
Dark as Night,Black as night
The night sky is shining!
The Sky is shining with sparking diamonds--
We are made of light;sparkling black as night
I want to shine
Vast night
The sky shines
I want my eyes to shine like the stars
Diamonds in the sky
Looking into the universe
All of her secrets a mystery
I want to be as beautiful as black
Night skys' shining
Endless nights' eyes
Stars shining, forever and endless
I want eyes that gleam
Sparkles of diamond; deep down
From the centre of time
God is everywhere,To me
Limitless beauty
Vast as night
The moon shining down
I sing a song to her
To all; to all, to all, to all
Shining down white
Forever here, forever after
In this time, forever
Forever, Forever, Forever
Mysterious beauty
Luminous moon
Shine your beauty onto me
Pour your white beauty over our souls
Everywhere/Forever
We will be together
Me and Him
His and mine
Forever
All of time
Shining Universe
You are beautiful
You are beautiful
Eyes shining stars
White Moon Face
Bathe me in your glow

Darkness and light dream

Is life a dream?
When we wake up
In a scream
Or
When you see;
A place inside your self
Mysterious beauty; Queens and Castles
Darkest times in history; wet air
Dank with disease and fright
A royal Queen; a mystery
Dreams become reality

Houses rising from mountains;pools of blue desire
Is this heaven?
Have we arrived?
Is heaven everywhere; in between here and there
In our dreams; our nightmares
When we wake up in a scream
Three a.m. a place and not a time
Frightened awake by my mind;Tranquil peace, purest dreams
Here I am
Here I am free
Here I can see
This is heaven;our nightmares
Our dreams
Inside our heads, we live
Dare to dream; imagine being free
Dare to be free, in there where your darkest fears make silent screams
What could be, if we were evil inside?
A glimpse into things unseen
What happens in our darkest dreams?
Where are we, when we are inside a dream?
Outside our heavens, inside our dreams
The darkest places in our minds, dare to exist
In our dreams
Where we are free
Where heaven exists
Where light and darkness dream



This passage is based on dreams that I have had in the past, concerning my darkest nightmares(some other time), and also concerns dreams of a specific house rising out of a mountain top, that evokes feelings of pure happiness in myself.
I have woken up from the darkest nightmares, feeling that I touched the darkest parts of myself.
This poem also describes some of the feelings that I have, that I have existed in another time.
Also, thoughts of does heaven exist? Is it here? Up above? Or everywhere?