Present/Past

When a story changes in your mind
Feelings change
Bad Sad Feelings subside
Don't take it back
A single thing
A diamond ring
That thing
Became possessed
It took your love
It took my trust
She took you home
She took my heart
You killed that love
You scarred my heart
I hated her
But never  you
I hope she knows
Her love
Her trust
Her heart
Will never soar
Will never trust
Will never thrive
A broke foundation
Once again
A repeated pattern
A cheat
A liar
A sin
Keeps on sucking
Keeps on feeling
Like it's not enough
She knows
She knows
She knows
She will never trust
Does she know how you cried
How you sobbed
Sobbed that we lost a love
A love that shriveled up and died

Like a Phoenix
I burst forth
Raging
Sobbing
Alone and Hurt
I felt my world cave in
I felt the blackest black inside my heart
The deepest pain
The sharpest sharp
My world was changed
Forced to grow
I faced a world
Alone
No family
No home
Cast aside
I wept and dreamed and read
Hoped that someday
I would feel again
I would crawl out of the black
I would see some light
I pushed myself
I pushed myself up towards the light

Praying and crying
Crying for relief
From the pain inside my soul
Inflicted from some sad, selfish, desperate, sort of game
From your own past
From your own pain
"I deserve this" you said
I take what I want
I don't care

Light my light
Guide my path
I prayed to God
I cried
Why?
I asked

Time passed
I felt my glow return
I met a man
I must have known
Before
In another time
In another Universe
He's everything
In my eyes
True love
I don't question
I don't mistrust
I can feel his LOVE
For me,
And me alone
He makes me whole

I ask myself
I ask my God
Is this what you had in mind
Is this my plan?
That you imagined

I will never know
But I do know this
He deserves thanks
Everyday
For what I have been blessed with
In every way

In yours/In mine

To drive
Not distract
To save
Not subtract
Sometimes all it takes in life is basic math.
Save your jokes
Smoke your crack
I see inside you, can't turn fast enough
Can't turn back
See my face
Remember this
I know what you do
I see
I do
Do you believe me
Do I look like I lie
Do I look like I care
What you think
In your head
That is blind with shit
Sick to the eyes
Your lies
Stink
Please
Turn your head
Look Down
I have arrived
Alive
Do you see me smiling
In your dreams
Does it hurt
Does it make your stomach bleed
I know i'm sick
Don't take meds
I like to fuck around
Inside my head
I see both sides
Flip of the coin
What's mine is yours
All that bullshit
I take what's mine
I take control
I know what I have
It's called freedom
What you want
The desirable
Gratification would be silence
But the screams don't stop
Whoops
Didn't mean for that to happen
Can't take it back
So take it all
Whatever you have
Whatever you think you have
Inside your head
It's what you wanted
What you asked for
I know about IT
Karma
Bitch Iv'e been bit by
Hard
I'm sure
Maybe in this life
Maybe but not for sure
Who knows
In my head
I ask myself
What does God want?
Do we even know
So confused
I am what I am
I know that seems simple
I don't apologize
For my lies
Only transgressions
I've committed
In my own head
So think
What you want
Or nothing at all
Like I said
I don't care
Because your head is sick
Is sick with lies
With scary sickness dark

A prayer of Release

Do memories have to sting
Why can't I let go of the past
Mine
Others
Set myself free
The chains holding me
Appear to be nothing
Except insecurities
It hurts to know
You've been tossed away
Thrown out
Found
Cast yourself
To sea
To life to
Uncertain Hurt
Unexpected Possibilities
Open my mind
Please
Release my past
Let go
NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Let go
HE WILL CHEAT
I must have trust
I must trust someone else with my heart
Must take that leap
Jump
Be free
Tied by mistrust
Really
That's no way to be
Please let me be free
Please let me have UNITY

NOW

I was once a simple girl
Who didn't know one
From another
What was truth
What was lies
What was hiding
What was dying inside
What didn't even know
Didn't  she know
NO
She thought LOVE was adequate
And Everything else could wait
Could be set aside
To rot
To die
To cover
Underneath herself
Where she didn't even know
Didn't know
That she could Shine
That her Shine couldn't show
Underneath the sand
Her head was buried
Hiding under
Inside
Excuses she made
She made LIES
Lies that she
Herself, would abide
But did not know
That bright light inside
Had to be put out
Had to be snuffed out
Blown out
WHOOSH
Had to disappear
Had to shrivel
Had to Hide
In order for
The light to shine
Like fire

Her namesake

Her Pedestal
Hiding her fear
Up there
Does she know
She doesn't know
She knows that life
Can
Change
Can
Completely
Disappear
Can Evolve
Into something else
Darwinism
She doesn't care what happens next
Only knows
That now
She has herself
She knows
She will never disappear
Evaporate
She's incandescent
She's Lost
She's returned
To the places
To the places that needed to be set free
From her mind
From her memory
Damage leaves a stain
Won't go away
Will only fade
Will only take
The moment away
When it comes up in conversation
When it takes a play
The jealousy
The residue
The layer
That shit
That happened
The story
The way Fate
Put all the players
In place
Now all is changed
Now the past is faded
Gone
Never to revert
Never to reverse
She must abide to herself
Her Voice must be heard
Her tears must be dried

SHE

When a lady looks into the mirror
 Does she see the little girl
 In her eyes
Does she surprise herself
With thoughts of what she once was
The little girl
 Who's laughter
 Sang out with surprise
 Or does she see a woman's smirk
 Of knowing look
 She's already given a time or two
 A sadness that settles
 But merely a memory
 Of some injustice
 Happened Long ago
 She doesn't know
 She's let it go
 When her laugh comes out
 It's an infraction
 Hard on herself
 She analyzes each note
 True of False
 Then, let's it go
 Only a moment
A second
 It's gone
 The reason
 For the thought
 That is bottomless
 A question for an answer
 That only God would know
 These are the sort of things
 She knows
 Only to let go
 To live the life of peace
 She's settled on
 Decided on
 With choices
 She makes
 Each day
To fulfill these dreams
 The mirror Looks back
 With the face
 She faces each day
 Knows
 That we all have to look at ourselves
 In the mirror
Reflection- back
What does it say?
What do we each claim for ourselves?
 In that stare
 Into our own eyes
 Do we see life as it is
 Or what it was/ or a lie? 
That was held onto for too long
 Until it stinks and rots and fades into the atmosphere
 Like everything else that holds too much weight
 No longer seems worth the fight
 With herself 
That it would mean
 Holding onto
 These past... Mistakes
 Lies
 Atrocities
 Long ago has let them go
 She knows she's free 
Finally
 Just to live
 Let live
 To be
 For the moment
 Free

Mama

When Truth becomes reality Hiding behind nothing Honesty fully exists between us Feels free To be able to let go Everything exposed Feels Good Feels right It hurts But less A little lighter A camels hump you say you carry Not alone Though What happened When did we become so close I love you more Than anyone My favorite person To me You are my One I hang each word you say Around my heart My brain A lump in the back of my throat I love each shell In my pocket Of wisdom bestowed By you To me Each letter I save Take for granted nothing Let it all touch my Heart Love covers a multitude of things Means a lot One of my favorite verses This you know now Mama I love you The reason i'm here Is you The reason I am me We are who we are The good -the bad The lessons we learn The burdens we bear That we listen to Whispering at the back of our hearts That we know it's okay Because we unload We listen and talk Your lessons Your flaws You guided me through Life The best way you knew how The entire universe We know so little about Is a speck In relation You Me One heartbeat Two Hearts

Prayer

HOLD myself
Up to the light
Errors I make
TO SEE
TO FIX
TO FIGHT
HUMAN
Imperfect and such, I find
Is hard TO uphold
THE URGE TO
Curse the sky
WHY????????????
I ask GOD and myself
WHY
Are we here?
To love
You put it so plainly
The message is clear
"The way and the light"
I love that phrase
What does it mean?
For real
The way you intended it for US to hear
To interpret
War over religion
Why does that take place
I.N.T.E.R.P.R.E.T.
Children die
Why in your Name?
Our Home
Our Mother Earth
You put us here
Beautiful Paradise
Magnificent
Beauty
Unlimited mystery
Variety Limitless
Space and gravity
The delicate balance of life
Human
Animal
Plant
LIFE
Every generation
It seems
Gets worse
Destruction in the Minds
Of Men
Women
Who fight
Who love
Who die Everyday
For this cause
The catalyst is Man
GREED
GOVERNMENT
Equates in my mind WAR
IT takes us all
Every human
That it affects
We can't give back what it takes
The shattered minds
Of the men war makes
Takes who they are
Creates fear
Confusion
Memories that can't be erased
Poof
Yet we continue
To self destruct
People are dying
Do we care?
As a people
Universal
ALL humans
The only Mammals
He made to care