UPSIDE DOWN

When your world gets turned upside down..that is exactly how you feel.
Like you are hanging upside down.
Your thoughts become consumed with WHY did this happen.HOW did this happen.
How do you not notice that a MAC truck is headed your way.
When you are happy, you become oblivious. When you trust someone..enough to give them your heart and your hand and your YES I will marry you..you don't notice when someone else creeps in.
When you are in love, you don't examine your mates flaws. You don't say...well I can't be with you because you are selfish or you are superficial.They are with you and that is all that matters.
But should it.
You grew together. You strived.You survived childhood. You got a long. But is that enough..in the end.
NO. It is not.
You don't question the other persons morals. Because you never have had too. Needed to.
You don't find out what kind of a person someone really really is, until they are faced with a difficult decision.
These decisions don't come along everyday.
I believe that they are sent our way. To test our character.To determine our fate.
In my case...it was placed in his way to determine my fate as well.
At first I was angry. I was hurt. I felt cheated.Cheated out of my wedding day. My childhood love. My best friend. My favorite person in the world. HOW could he do this to ME to US?
Sometimes I still feel cheated.
But I am starting to realize...day by day. Sure as the Sun will rise and the Moon will shine at night.
We shape our own destiny. And sometimes when we can't do it for ourselves..something..someone else steps in and helps us along. Sometimes we don't want the bad yucky medicine that hurts us and makes our heart ache, but it will make us better.
And we aren't always given a treat right away in return. Well you gave up this..so you get this. Sometimes it takes time.
Sometimes we have to grow first. Otherwise..mabey we won't appreciate our gift when it is placed in front of us.
Something I have learned from this whole painful bitter ordeal.
You DON'T ever know what life is going to hand you. Be prepared for ANYTHING. Not saying wait for something bad to happen, but you have to roll with the punches.
Feel your feelings. For a while I was allowing myself to be used and justifying doing things that I knew were MORALLY wrong. Things that I was not okay with. On top of that I was repressing my feelings and putting on a facade, because I thought I was "Helping" Or "Going after what I wanted and not giving up"
FUCK that! You should never have to lie.Or do things that feel wrong to you. Or put on a fake face for love. If you do..it is not LOVE at all. Eventually..my self esteem was so affected by doing and acting..and questioning that I couldn't look myself in the eye. And when I did look myself in the eye..it was dim..and sad.
I think the hurt is fading.I think I am growing stronger. I think the gleam in my eye is returning.But it hasen't been easy. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to face in my life, inflicted upon me by someone that was supposed to love me. Care about me. Treasure me.
And that was the hardest part about it really. It's one thing to be violated by a stranger. Another to be completely violated by someone you love.
Everything Is going to be good though. Great even. I live I learn I will love again..this time I know what I want. It is not just going to be a matter of comfort. History. OR convenience. I know enough now to walk away when that red flag flies..and say I am not dealing with that.
And when the Universe is ready for me to walk thru that door..I will be ready for it:)

Word of Advice LADIES

Hey Ladies!
Word of advice. If you have to ASK a man repeatedly if he still cares about/loves his EX..you probably shouldn't be dating him. He is obviously NOT available.
He might be saying he is available....it's called instinct, listen to it..thats why the good GOD gave it to us...it's directly connected to your gut...your nerve endings your brain.
Hello. I know everyone is looking for there HAPPY ENDING. But if your Happy Ending your little slice of happiness involves a man that still lives with his OH SHE IS SO INSIGNIFICANT I SWEAR other...how good is that little slice of sweetness really going to taste...knowing that it still has a chunk of some other LADIES heart attached? A little bitter after taste..for sure.
So next time you meet someone and you have that pivotal moment..that instant attraction..that we get along and have so much to talk about Do all of us a favor and do a little sniffing....if you smell something that smells like shit..it's probably him. He's full of it.

I used to think....

I used to think that you could only have so much happiness and good in your life, and then something bad would happen to "balance" that. I now know, you can never have too much good. The more good you put the more good you get back. If you cut the crap and negativity out of your life it will go away. It's as simple as that. I love to be happy and upbeat, so I surround myself with people that are, and cut people out of my life that bring me, and others down.

Elation in a sundress

I smited the fat girl inside me today. Still trying on XLXLXLX and going ohhh that looks like a night gown. Hello! The lightbulb in my fat girl brain went on ( or off I should say) Try a large-I told myself(this was certainly a concept for my brain) I can't tell you the last time I wore a L. A MED. fit me perfectly. GO ME! Yes, I did a rockin' you go girl cha - cha dance for myself today. I have been battling with my weight for years and last year( October) enough is enough! Working out, lifting weights, and some small life style changes have helped me drop 30 pounds, so far. It's not about telling myself "NO" You can have it. Just not every night. Skip the potatoes(most of the time) Fruits and veggies.Think superfoods. How many can you eat in one day? Moderation. SO I only worked out twice this week? Building muscle automatically burns more calories, each pound of muscle burns 50 more calories a day then a pound of fat, you burn calories for a few hours with cardio, you burn calories for 72 hours when you do weight training. And, yes I enjoy it. This has been a journey, not a " diet" I have made it a point to educate myself on my health. I don't want to be diagnosed with diabetes. I don't want to be uncomfortable in my clothes.I don't want to have to wear XL. Imagining myself with Madonna arms in my wedding dress doesn't hurt for motivation either:) Baby steps.Small changes. Nothing drastic. It will pay off, it is paying off.

Sap and stuff

As of late, I have been so emotional. I don't know if it is age, or the engagement breaking down my wall. I used to be so jaded. I never cried. Now here I sit, reading a book I have read twenty times and feel tears running down my cheeks at the tenderness of love, at the loss of a loved one at well... pretty much anything. I like it though, I like feeling vulnerable and tender.

How

How do you tell a friend of 20 years that you need a break. That you need them to go away. That they are too much. You don't? You accept the " blame" and let them think that you are doing them a favor. You pay them with kindness. I can't go on with this friendship anymore because you are emotionally abusive too confusing down right mean never take any responsibility for the things you say are taking too much from me too much too much too much. I am starting to HATE you. You walk away. Me, I took my dignity with me. I would rather end it before it gets really ugly. I am on my " cloud" my cloud is on fire it's pink as the Arizona sunset burning hot and I am loving it.

Horrah Age!

I feel like I am coming full circle.I feel like things are finally falling into place. Not just for me, but for everyone that I know. We are all finding what makes us happy and grabbing it and taking it. I think we are all finally at the age where we know how to get what we want, have that maturity that we did not have in our early 20's, know how to articulate our needs...I am loving it! Horrah Aging. Horrah wisdom! Just be honest with yourself, with your surroundings, make the most of what you have and everything good will come your way!