UPSIDE DOWN

When your world gets turned upside down..that is exactly how you feel.
Like you are hanging upside down.
Your thoughts become consumed with WHY did this happen.HOW did this happen.
How do you not notice that a MAC truck is headed your way.
When you are happy, you become oblivious. When you trust someone..enough to give them your heart and your hand and your YES I will marry you..you don't notice when someone else creeps in.
When you are in love, you don't examine your mates flaws. You don't say...well I can't be with you because you are selfish or you are superficial.They are with you and that is all that matters.
But should it.
You grew together. You strived.You survived childhood. You got a long. But is that enough..in the end.
NO. It is not.
You don't question the other persons morals. Because you never have had too. Needed to.
You don't find out what kind of a person someone really really is, until they are faced with a difficult decision.
These decisions don't come along everyday.
I believe that they are sent our way. To test our character.To determine our fate.
In my case...it was placed in his way to determine my fate as well.
At first I was angry. I was hurt. I felt cheated.Cheated out of my wedding day. My childhood love. My best friend. My favorite person in the world. HOW could he do this to ME to US?
Sometimes I still feel cheated.
But I am starting to realize...day by day. Sure as the Sun will rise and the Moon will shine at night.
We shape our own destiny. And sometimes when we can't do it for ourselves..something..someone else steps in and helps us along. Sometimes we don't want the bad yucky medicine that hurts us and makes our heart ache, but it will make us better.
And we aren't always given a treat right away in return. Well you gave up this..so you get this. Sometimes it takes time.
Sometimes we have to grow first. Otherwise..mabey we won't appreciate our gift when it is placed in front of us.
Something I have learned from this whole painful bitter ordeal.
You DON'T ever know what life is going to hand you. Be prepared for ANYTHING. Not saying wait for something bad to happen, but you have to roll with the punches.
Feel your feelings. For a while I was allowing myself to be used and justifying doing things that I knew were MORALLY wrong. Things that I was not okay with. On top of that I was repressing my feelings and putting on a facade, because I thought I was "Helping" Or "Going after what I wanted and not giving up"
FUCK that! You should never have to lie.Or do things that feel wrong to you. Or put on a fake face for love. If you do..it is not LOVE at all. Eventually..my self esteem was so affected by doing and acting..and questioning that I couldn't look myself in the eye. And when I did look myself in the eye..it was dim..and sad.
I think the hurt is fading.I think I am growing stronger. I think the gleam in my eye is returning.But it hasen't been easy. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to face in my life, inflicted upon me by someone that was supposed to love me. Care about me. Treasure me.
And that was the hardest part about it really. It's one thing to be violated by a stranger. Another to be completely violated by someone you love.
Everything Is going to be good though. Great even. I live I learn I will love again..this time I know what I want. It is not just going to be a matter of comfort. History. OR convenience. I know enough now to walk away when that red flag flies..and say I am not dealing with that.
And when the Universe is ready for me to walk thru that door..I will be ready for it:)