Salty Plums

I grew up in a very religious household. Several times each week my Mom would sit with me and my sisters and study the Bible. When we were very little, it would be more picture drawing and more stories about Jesus. As we got older the messages would be more adult.
Our Bible studies would include stories that included the messages like masturbation was wrong in God's eyes and that we should be ready for the day when God would bring about a new Earth, in the form of Armageddon.  They also included attending meetings three times a week, for hours. The fellowship was what I always enjoyed the most. I fit in and made friends; but gradually my rebellion, will and guiding forces that put those feelings into me pulled my mind in other directions. By the time I was twelve I told my Mom that I did not want to attend. It has and continues to be a goal of my Moms to encourage me to attend since this time when I was twelve to now.

When I was eleven I was molested. When I finally disclosed this to my Mother a year later I was told that it was a "dream," and sent out of the room while my parents discussed it with members of our religion. It took me until I was twenty years old to forgive my parents for this incident. It changed who I was at that time. I was a teenage girl who did not know how to change the way that I felt or even recognize it. Needless to say, I was very wild and sexually promiscuous at a young age. Ditching school was a daily event--to hang out with friends.  This was at fourteen and fifteen years old. While I thought nothing of using drugs or sneaking alcohol I was still very bright. I excelled at school-making honor roll and participating in my schools journalism program.
When I got suspended from school in eighth grade for selling drugs at school the Principal told my Mom that I should be a lawyer and that I had saved myself from expulsion. I was also suspended for fighting.
When I was put on prescriptions(Zoloft, Trazadone and eventually Paxil) for my behaviour they made me even more carefree. I was eventually removed from school and home schooled. I know now at this time that my Mom did not know what to do with me, and in her mind she was doing what she thought was best for me the entire time. I did end up graduating with my class.

When I was twenty I forgave my parents for doing this to me. I decided that I wanted to have a relationship with them, and that I did indeed love them. From that point on, I knew that the decisions that I were making where mine and mine alone to make. I did not have the incident from my childhood to blame any more. I could not bring myself to forgive the religious organization, yet. I had no interest in the teachings, or the people.
I always felt guilty. I always felt like I was apologizing to God, no matter what I was doing. It was wrong, because I wasn't doing what I was "supposed to be doing". I was also very young, so at the time, I was not even able to process the feelings of guilt as being just that. It truly was guilt, and I was sure that I was sinning every moment that I was living just by leading the lifestyle that I was living.
The result of these feelings was that I had very low self esteem. Like I said, I see that now. I often wish that the me that I am now could go shake the me that I was in my twenties. It's funny, because life doesn't work like that. It happened and it can't unhappen.
I have my own relationship with God now. I realized that I had all along, and all along he was with me. Keeping me safe in situations that were not safe. I don't feel guilty for what I am not doing any longer, I feel free. 


This is part of my story.

04-02-14

I like to take the time to listen to the wind in the trees for a moment. To look at the world around me and really see it, really be in it.
It seems like when I am in the moment, just being, I notice so much more going on around me.  This morning I was sitting on the back porch. Just thinking and listening to the wind blow through the trees.
I am always trying to be in the moment, but sometimes all of the other crap in my head starts going off and before I know it I am not paying attention to the moment I am in, but thinking of this and that and the other thing.
The voices in my head judge-they tell me to judge myself and to judge others. The voice tells me what I am doing is wrong or right. I try not to spend too much time with this person in my head, this voice.
While I was sitting on the porch this morning, I noticed that our lemon tree was growing some new branches, about half way down the trunk. The new buds were bright green, a lot brighter than the rest of the tree. For some reason they made me think of new babies. Is all life the same? What if we all treated trees with the same reverence as any other life? If you think about it, they bring us life, they are the air we breath. Yet, we cut them down to make more things that we don't really need.
The wind blowing through the trees sounded like whispers, whispers that only I could hear-because I was the only one listening to them. Everything around me was alive, and meaningful to my existence. Everything came to life for me in the most beautiful way this morning in the moment.

Inner child

Do you remember when you were a child? The world is an unknown place. A child does not fear what they don't know. They look to the world with a sense of curiosity and wonderment instead.
What we are is what we have been made. Children are being made into adults. Young men are becoming men and young women are becoming women.
We are all scarred and wounded, somehow. As adults we realize this.
We must revisit the place within ourself, our inner child, to heal the wounds that found us when we were young. We must face that child within ourself, hug them and tell them that everything is going to be okay. They will be okay.

Just my thoughts

So, iv'e been trying to give myself some psychotherapy. I have confidence in the fact that I am capable of healing my inner wounds myself. I know myself better than anyone. The girl that got fucked over needs to get over it. I'm sick of holding back from trusting when trust is warranted. I have probably lost a friendship from this stain. I hold back from trusting my husband. As a happily married newly wed I have NO reason not to trust Andy. He has never done anything but try and show me how much he loves me, and the thought of him straying is a laugh to anyone else. But the fucked up girl inside of me takes over, and keeps me from having friendships with girls, because they are pretty. She sits inside of me, stewing about whether or not Andy is cheating or thinking about cheating. He really does not deserve this. He is the most loyal person I have ever met! We have a beautiful love, and a beautiful relationship. There is no reason for me to still feel this way. My wounds should have healed long ago, but I guess some are deeper than we realize. In my psychotherapy session today, I realized this. Just touching a feeling sometimes still hurts, it might take me a lifetime to stop feeling like this. But I am sick and tired of feeling like this. A long time ago, I realized that I am beautiful. I am me. No matter what happens, I love myself. That will not leave me. But now I want to let all the bitter feelings of jealousy and hurt that happened to leave my soul. I deserve to give myself the gift of happiness. I am only going to be a newly wed once, and I want to enjoy if fully- not worrying about losing it, or fearing that someone else if going to swoop in and take it away. I learned last week that life is unpredictable and precious, when I lost a childhood friend. Someone who I ran with in track. He was fast and the last person I would have expected to take his own life and that of another. R.I.P. Patrick. I hope all of his hurt has gone away. I have a beautiful life and love, I cannot comprehend how much hurt he must have been feeling, even at my worst. I hope that I am able to continue working on my own demons on my own. For myself and for Andy. He deserves to have me one hundred percent. I deserve it.

In Memory of Patrick

I didn't know you well,
but I will never forget your face.

Time took it's toll on you too young,
what you were born, and who you were-
was too much for you, and the pain took it's toll.

Darkness came into your life and took too much.
It came and stole your sunshine, and you couldn't
find your way off of the shadowed path.

You will be missed, you were loved.
Now you can heal, in the light up above.

Good Night Lullaby

All along I have pictured someone strong
Thee self that you project by strings of lies
Stow sadness hidden so deep something dark
Dwells inside of the madness in your mind
You alone hold the key to my psyche
My hate for you needs to be quelled with love
That is the only way that I can live
Free from your tortured soul from your sick mind

I look within self to find compassion
I pray for help to calm our tortured minds

My Momma and Me

Spring is almost over; summer is coming
Darkest sky of night, moon above
We are all; we are none
My peace rests in my Mother; in her is me
She knows me best; time and love
Us Forever one sky; one love
Of all above; on self
In us; we never rest
The restless spirit flies; and dreams
Things out of reach; within reality
I came into this world, in her
In her lives me; all time
Since I have known myself; and she has known
All time; infinity; eternity
In life; in dreams
In things that are from beyond what we can see
We can't change time, we can't change eternity
In us it lives; it lives in our love
In the dreams that we dream
In our minds
In our lives
Do things happen; time space continuim
Or does what we do
Propel us from Earth
Into our thoughts; into our dreams
Into things in between
Into the space we waste
On our fears
Freaking night terrors
Silent screams, dreams
All that I am is you Mom
The scares and the fears
The restless spirit that flies
Tries to lie in her poems
Of things that are rooted
When my feet fly; fast with fear
What is real; what is past
What is in me, Ma
That makes me this way
Full of fear
Full of hope, full of Love
All that is near, far, everywhere
My restless spirit flies with you
Ma
All that I am; what I love
What you gave me
Life
Me