Where have all the Cowboys gone?

There is something that has been troubling me lately. When does a friend stop being a friend? Anyone that knows me knows that I don't throw the word " friend" around lightly. My friends have been my friends for years. I have trouble making new friends, true friends because I choose my friends with my heart, people that I know will be there for me and I for them no matter what. It takes time to cultivate a friendship, a true friendship with someone and then invest the time to keep the friendship healthy. This is kind of hard for me to write because I feel as I have been written off as a friend without so much of an explanation as to why.... this is not something that I have ever dealt with. I do not understand it. I have (had???) a friend that I have known for about 7 or 8 years. We met while I was in cooking school, we lived together...we talked on the phone frequently after I moved to Arizona, he moved to Arizona at one point and then to Portland, Oregon. Through all of this we remained close through the phone and internet. I was perfectly happy with this. A friend does not have to be someone that you see, and we always had plenty to talk about. He is my Monkey, and someone that I have always cared about very very much. He always knows what to say to make me laugh, at times he has accused me of only talking about myself, and I don't deny that this is probably true, but I only craved his wisdom and insight into matters. I don't think that I would be who I am today without him. ...we laughed harder than we have ever laughed at things..the kind of laugh that you can't stop no matter how hard you try. I could go on and on and on about us. He is also a bit of a flake. Okay, I am being too generous a huge flake. For about a year he has been telling me that he is moving to Arizona..then he told me that he was in Arizona, then he told me that he was on the road. I know he thinks that I don't listen to him when he talks, but I got the feeling that he was telling me a Tall Tale when he told me that he got Black Mammy dishes on his travels. Now, I know for a fact that he told me he had gotten Black Mammy dishes about a year before when he was on vacation. Well, the Black Mammy dishes aren't the point. I guess for my part I am guilty of not being one hundred percent honest and calling him out on his bull. I know that he is not moving to Arizona, I don't honestly think that he ever had any intention of moving to Arizona...so why carry on the lie for a year or more. Again, as a true friend, I should have called him out on this bullshit. But what would be the point, I don't know if it is the truth or not??? That is what it boils down to with me...is a person truly your friend if you don't really know if they are telling the truth or not? Do you really know the person? Can you call a person that you don't really know your true friend. I honestly don't give a fuck if he moves to Arizona I mean that would be great because we could hang out and stuff, but I was also happy just having him in my life to talk to and share our lives with. I am not huge on the fact that I am sitting here blogging about this, but shit, he will NOT answer my calls...call me ...not so much as a message on my space or facebook, for whatever that would be worth. I feel myself drifting further and further away from him and no body and no one can do anything about it. It's not something that I can open up to about with my other friends, because they just don't know him the way I do. I know that in the past he has dropped people in his life with no explanation...the next chapter comes and they are not invited to read it.. but I never expected that he would do that to me..I just didn't see it coming. I hope that if he reads this he will atleast call me and say " Hey, I was a shit, you are more important to me than that." He knows that I am the type of person that needs closure...although I hope if he calls it is not to do that..an apology for being a shit, or atleast tell me if I was a shit.....would be great because I miss him. I miss him a lot.

AWE

Sometimes I sit and wonder if this love I have, this love so perfect in everyway will be taken away from me. I worry( briefly, not all day) every morning that something will happen and he will be taken away. Is that why it is so perfect, this love of mine, that I will only be granted it for a short time? Every time we kiss it's like some sick sappy romantic movie and I have to stop myself from gasping is this really happening? Just being together and talking still and laughing and knowing that we are both 500 percent for each other and no one else, the non- fighting, well mabey over the brand of hand soap that we use...( hahaahah) I know I shouldn't sit and wonder if it will be forever and not go away, but aren't bubbles supposed to pop, don't you get to the end of the rainbow and find no pot of gold. How did I get so lucky? I literally feel pity for others that do not have this, and I cannot talk about it. ....why don't you ever talk about it? Why don't you have anything to say. I feel like I would be gloating there is no other way to describe this relationship of mine. Why was I spared the heart ache? Why do I have to wisdom to carry on this perfect union? I don't know...I was just granted it. I am sure there are others that carry on the same way with a celebration of there love, but I know only mine. Everything else on this earth pales in comparison to his face his composition, and I am loved the same. It scares me that we are only human and not mortals. I need to be mortal. I need him to be mortal. I need us to carry on forever, a lifetime would not be enough together, we could easily go on for several. Easily. I know I am being greedy. I know that is too much to ask. I know that it could not be granted. But I want it. This one will have to be enough. I have no other choice. We are one, different but the same. We laugh every single day. We love like we are still 18( well it's way hotter now:)) Phhhhhhhhhewwwwwwww. I am just in awe of my love.

New

New work stuff. I know I live for my job. I love it though. I am at a new store now. I went back to being a "floating" manager, instead of being at a permanent store. But I love the 2 stores that I am floating at...love love love them. Everybody there is really hard working and does there job. I feel like I am in such a better place. I don't have to deal with dealing with the white power and the leaving in the middle of the day and the always asking me to lie like I did with my old GM. I can just go and do my job the way that I was trained to do it. I have to admit I was getting a little bit disheartened with the situation that I was in, but my attitude and mood are improving more and more everyday. Not to say that any situation is perfect, but atleast I don't have to feel like my work ethics and my integrity are being challenged.
Geoffrey's mother is coming in tonight to pick up this antique roll top desk that we acquired when she was going to move to Scottland. I like it, but it really is useless and takes up too much room in our living room and we can't use our fireplace which sucks because it is cold and I want to build a fire. My parents are coming out at the end of the month and we are moving into our remodeled apartment next week, I can't wait but I really need to start packing........blucky. Foo. Oh well. Well. I am sure this was a boring blathering diatribe, but whatevaaaaa I write what I want.

Worry-Wort

I worry that you won't come home from work.
I worry that I am going to get cancer from smoking.
I worry that I am worrying too much.
I obsess on stuff like glass smudges.
I obsess on my cats too much.
I worry about my weight.
I worry about money.
I worry about worry.
I worry that my car will crash.
I worry that this will be my last day on earth.
I hate birds.
I hate blue candy.
I hate being constipated.
I hate that I can't just relax.
I want to please everyone.
I worry about losing it(my mind)
I worry about the world and everyone on it.
I wonder what they are thinking?
I wonder what I am going to do tommorow.
Will there be tommorow.
Will I grieve.
How will I grieve.
I know that I don't know enough.
I worry about not knowing enough.
Why don't I know more?
Am I stupid?
I worry about work
Did I work hard enough?
Did I do anything stupid?
Did I think things through?
Do they like me?
Was I fun?
Was I funny?
I worry that when I am driving I will crash
I will get a fucked up eye from the glass in my eye
I worry about amputated limbs
I guess I just worry too much.

Black and white.

I manage a privately owned breakfast restaurant. I was recently transferred to a new store. Today, I found out that my General Manager is a follower of a white supremacist group. Rallys and all. At first I was surprised, really, that that sort of ignorance still exists in this day and age, but not really surprised. Which led to this thinking.....really... what is white? Native American? European? White skin? I don't get it. I guess that they would think me ignorant, and in this case, I prefer to remain ignorant to that way of thinking. When I told my boyfriend( and yes I will tell everyone every chance I get, you better be prepared to own that way of thinking and be proud of it fuckers) he got mad. I told him what I told her.

"I'm sorry that your boyfriend feels that way, we could blame it on the fact that he has been in and out of prison since 18, or his prior heavy drug use, but really it is you that I feel really sorry for, for following such and ignorant man." Really, I didn't tell her that. But I wish I would have.

I guess part of me fears the confrontation, and part of me just really feels sorry for people like that. That there main concern in life is the color of there skin, the color of other people's skin, and the logos that they put on there clothes to announce it. I don't have a problem with being proud of your heritage(Italian and proud of it babies) but do you really have to hate other people for theres? Something that they are born into and have absolutely no control over? If one of these "white power" people actually sat down and thought about it would that make sense? Or are they just so entrenched in there own hate and ignorance that they wouldn't even consider the thought that there way of thinking is not only wrong, but complete and utter stupidity. Sad really. That's all.

What does it all mean?

Several things have been on my mind as of late....such as Fate. Hate. Date Rape.
Love. The Truth.
Lemme break it down for you. Is Fate when two people meet by chance and know know know that they are destined to be together. Move in instantly. Live happily ever after.
What the fuck is happily ever after? (My def: Being able to live together and laugh and go on and on and on well ....forever) Hate. There is nothing wrong with it. It just has a bad REP. It is okay to hate. It is just another emotion just like love. Everything in moderation. Just don't hate all the time. Don't be a hater, don't be mad at the world all the fucking time. Don't be jealous of other people all the time. Just some of the time and you will be alright.
Date Rape. Mabey. I don't know if I feel like going into all that. She couldn't even walk. Really do you have to control e-v-eryyy thing??? It is just sick. Me-I am not sick. But I can be the sickest evilest fucking person if pushed to my limits, luckily for the world and for sick people I have a lot of patience. But I also love violence, so I might punch you (her) in the face just to shut her up. Damn, she bounced right back like a jack in the box though. Creepy. I still love her though, well I guess I have to, she is my sister after all.
The truth is...I prefer thoughts to action. .....just lay there sit there smoke it and think. Think about all that happens, how it affects me, how it affects others. I don't want to do do do. Why do people do what they do? Why do I? Is it fate? Human nature? Chemistry. All is right in my world. I keep the balance. I keep the peace. Fuck with it and I will punch you in the face.

Cheeto-san and birth control

So...I have been accused of many things, namely, not thinking things through( from my district manager at work) and speaking before I think.....from countless others. Here are a few examples of times this has occured. Hmmmm....well the other night at the bar I frequent I told the bar owner(who also plays on a soft ball team) when him and said softball team arrived at the bar that I wouldn't mind if all of them slid into home plate(personal) I then proceeded to tell him the next time I was there that I know I was innapropriate the last time I was here and I just wanted you to know that I meant every word. This was after I drunkenly interviewed some random drunk lady in an informal interview about applying at my store( mixing proffesionalism with personal) I told my old district manager who is constantly on my new district managers ass for not following procedure that we were allowed to show our tattoes. Well, that is how I came off I guess(personal) I am only going back a few weeks, but I am sure we can all see a pattern here. Well, this is something that countless times in my life I have said, I am going to "work" on. Not thinking things through should have been my middle name. Not Ann. One instance that stands out in my mind is high school .Sophmore year. I was sitting in my biology class. I needed to be there for roll call, as I had already reached my ditching limit and parents had been called. But, Farra does not think things through decided to instead, go to class. Say she is sick has to go to the bathroom. My nurse options had already been used up as well. Leave stuff so as to appear as if she is really just going to the bathroom. Walk down ramp. Stop at open door outside. Proceed to call out to the black girl Lacreesha........pssssssssssssssssssssssstttttttttttttt throw me my back pack. Runs. Jumps fence behind school. Fucks boyfriend in field. Yeah. That is thinking things through. A much more recent instance is when I went to the Urgent Care clinic for my bronchitis. Only after stubbornly refusing that I didn't need a doctor, and I was there fore unable to make an appointment. So, while at the clinic, while the doc is looking in my throat, I asked him if he would possibly while I was there to make me a prescription for some birth control and cheeto-san(the stop smoking pill) Really, this is how quickly I speak before thinking. There were obviously no stirrups on the table, and cheeto-san does not exist to a medical professional. I thinks it's called Chantax, or whatever. Well....I will probably never change. This is part of my charm. For all of you that don't like it. Whatever.