Nothing more then feelings

Our minds can be a safe harbor, a warm retreat- or a cage. They can make us feel happy or hopeless, angry, bitter, or overwhelmed. Anxiety can overtake us as our minds churn through the garbage and glitter, it's possible to get too far lost in thought and the imagination will find a way to create the worst of all possibilities. However, our thoughts can also give our life meaning and a much deeper purpose can be found within ourselves through them. Every person has the ability to be happy with nothing more then their basic needs for food and shelter being met and our own minds. Some people have achieved an inner peace so great that they don't even need that much (Jesus and Gandhi are a few of them that come to mind.) Thoughts become actions, and actions make up our life as we know it. 
More and more often lately I have been writing down my thoughts in a journal in an effort to better see and analyze my own thoughts, a habit that I have had since childhood. This has become a different experience lately, and I think it is because I am more self aware; the thoughts themselves become reality- instead of fleeting bubbles of smoke, jumbled together in a mass of gray nothingness, with nowhere to go they become something I can see with my eyes.
Sometimes I read what I wrote afterwards and think of how silly my feelings were that day, and other days I see something so right and profound that I am moved to make changes to my life.  Today, while writing some things down I discovered that my secret thoughts can be scarier inside my head then on paper. Writing them down helped me face my actual thoughts head on, instead of just being afraid of them and hence avoiding them.  Feelings that I need to face head on, or they are going to consume me. I felt a need to spring to some sort of action, and deal with the feelings head on.
Being self aware is a strange thing. I know why I make the choices that I do, because I try to live with a sense of purpose. But, I have also learned that just because I am consciously making the choices that I make concerning my own life, it never guarantees the outcome of what the feelings/events and situations around me are going to be as the actual events of life occur. We can all make the choices that we make, but nobody, but God, can see the event unfolding. We cannot see the future or even begin to guess what other humans beings around us are going to do. We can only act with our own intentions, and be in each moment as it comes.
I try to remind myself that life is an ever changing thing, and that is what makes it beautiful and exciting. When we stop seeking new experiences, making mistakes and learning we cease to really live, and are just existing. We can choose to view life and the experiences within it as trials or challenges. We can laugh at the absurd, delight in the magic-or wallow in the mire of our own creation.
Nothing within our spirits or the spirits of others is tangible.You cannot taste or touch laughter, but it is something that most people enjoy. Love, integrity and respect are not something that can be purchased.  New experiences and ways of living are an endless supply or free gifts if we are open to receiving them. Our lives are in a constantly changing flux of motions, and energies that constantly change as the events of our lives unfold and these things can be happening to us mysteriously and spontaneously or with us resisting everything and everyone all the time.We can be like a leaf, gently floating down a river, with ever changing scenery. Or a rock, stubbornly waiting, and holding on to our set ideas and notions as everything-beautiful and ugly passes us by.
Thankfully we can change our path or way of living at any moment as long as we are still in our physical body. Our attitude about things can be turned around at any time, simply by using the power of our minds and actions.
Today, and everyday I hope to exist in a state of absurd delight. I will embrace challenges, and open myself to new ideas.

Olga

Dear Aunt Noni,
I miss you so much.
I wish
I wouldn't
have taken
your presence
for granted.
I miss seeing you.
Your commanding presence,
holding court in your restaurants.
I love you so much.
Cleaning your houses with you,
you always worked so hard,
and showed me how to do the same.
The way you got up at five a.m everyday,
doing your books,
getting dressed in business clothes,
beautiful jewelry and hair,
stunning nails.
It's hard to describe you,
in this way.
But I know,
I don't ever want to lose
a single memory of you.
I loved when
you would cook spaghetti for us,
at your cabin.
I could see you were happy,
when you were in love,
and the love you carried inside
always showed for us.
You spoiled us ridiculously,
even though our parents
hated it.
I am so proud of you,
and what you were.
I am happy,
that I got to be your niece.
Your energy is missed,
here on Earth,
by me.
I hope that you are happy,
wherever you are,
and that someday,
I will get to see you again.

New Year Resolution Update

My New Year's resolution for 2015 was to live my life free of expectations. When I made the resolution my intention was positive, even though it sounds very negative when you say it out loud. The purpose of the resolution was to help free my mind of any preconceived notions.  Mainly, because I was finding more and more often that if something, anything, didn't go the way that I had envisioned it to go in my mind, even before the event occurred, I would sometimes become very disappointed, or angry, or upset. It just was not cosmically possible for things to happen the way I intended them to go all of the time, and more often than not I was allowing it to steal my joy from situations. The tipping point was New Years Eve 2015, Andy and I were invited to a party at a new coworkers house. When we arrived, and it became very clear as the night wore on,that we were going to be the only other party goers with my very attractive, single, female coworker. I was also the only one not drinking among the three of us that night. As the night wore on my jealousies and insecurities were raging inside. I got so mad when Andy didn't "kiss me the way I wanted to be kissed at midnight." I am laughing at my own ridiculousness now, but at the time the upset was real. The holiday had been partly ruined, in my mind.  Of course that wasn't true. I actually had a pleasant time, and I would have had an even better time if I hadn't let my preconceived notions and other jack ass emotions control my mind.  Looking back on things now, I think that everything happened the way it did for a reason.  I decided the next day that I was going to try to do something different so that situations such as this would be no more.

So, for the last year I have been making a conscience effort to just let things happen. I have tried to not make movies in my mind before attending parties, going to work, or spending time with friends or loved ones. At first, it was harder to let go of the crazy notions my mind was creating all of the time. It seems the mind wants to explore the worst, instead of the best possible outcomes most of the time. I rarely find myself thinking about things that make me happy, but instead things that anger, frustrate, scare and upset me. Areas of my heart that carry resentment seem to be the thoughts that like to pop up, more than the happy, positive moments (I'm sure there is psychological reason for this, but I would rather explore it philosophically). As time went on, the more that I practiced not having these conversations with myself, and just allowed moments in my life to come the more aware I became of what was really going on in my world. My heart became open to receiving new experiences, and they were a million times better then the ones I had been creating in my mind.
I'm excited for 2016. I feel that I have made some great progress this year in my life in areas that needed some love and attention, such as my jealousy and insecurities, and I am ready to face the new year with a more open mind and a more open heart. Bring it on!

For the record I am also really, really good friends now with my attractive, not single anymore beautiful co-worker.

How to be happier

I am writing this in the hope that it will help others. Suicides and mass shootings are more prevalent now then they have ever been. Too many are deciding that killing themselves and others is the solution. Depression can be a result of a chemical imbalance, or it could be caused by environmental factors, everybody is different. The bottom line is that nobody is free of problems, and our minds have a way of compounding them. Life can be extremely frusturating and unfulfilling sometimes.  It doesn't matter who you are, sadness affects everybody, and for some, giving up may feel like the only choice.
Here is a thought though.
You are in control of your mind, and your life. For me, sometimes the simplest solutions are the ones that help the most when I feel bleak and empty.  I am not claiming to have the answers to cure depression, but here are a few insights I have gathered from friends and family that help me when I am feeling depleted.

1. Think of a time when you were happy. Now remind yourself that you will have more of these moments. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.

2. If you are unhappy about something that has not actually happened, or happened in the past, let it go. Forgiveness is not for the person you are forgiving, but for yourself. Free yourself. The present moment is now, and that is what matters. Don't let the ghosts of your past ruin your now.

3. Look at life as a series of moments, rather then one long one. For me, mentally  breaking life up into moments instead of a single long moment helped create a different perspective at how I look at my life. Some moments are good, some bad, some mundane. Add the moments up and you have the movie that is your life.

4. Remind yourself of the big picture. Time will pass, and the scenery of your life will change too. Nobody can see into the future, and life surprises us, sometimes. No matter how bleak the situation, it can always improve in an instant.

5. Don't ever give up. Everybody has a special gift to offer the world, and even if you don't know what your gift is yet, that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. If you are alive and reading this, you have already influenced someone just by being.

6. Keep yourself busy. If your having trouble controlling your thoughts, the worst thing you can do is wallow in them. Start doing something, anything to busy yourself, even if it's just the dishes.

7. Get out of the house. Go for a walk, go to the mall. Sometimes just crossing a threshold can create a new perspective.

8. If you are a believer, pray. I rely on God to give me strength when I don't have it myself.

It's totally normal to be sad or have anxiety sometimes too. Life is both beautiful and tragic. Keep your chins up and your lights shining.

Thought caves

Hunt down your true self,
inside.
Pave the way,
through the chaos.
Break the thoughts,
that stop the flow.
Let fear subside.
Nothing can hurt you,
in your head.
Voices from the past,
skeletons dance across,
repressions song.
Whirling and twirling,
waves of air,
dissapating,
a way--
Deep down inside,
your soul is a cave,
it's a place,
where a well
of doubt resides. 
Abolish it,
dry it out.
Quiet the voices, of
things that stop you,
demons,
binding your psyche. 
Don't allow The haters,
the slayers of imagination,
to stop you.
Many things can be heard,
among the silence.
Past the inner findings,
the desperate writhings,
the tortured darkness,
of your mind,
you will find you.

Perspectives

My perspective has slowly been shifting, over time.
Consciously awakening myself to new thoughts.
Ideas that calm my spirit.
I have always been overly emotional.
It's not fair--was my chosen phrase.
Expecting too much.
Doing something that I thought was fun,
or stimulating,
all of the time.
Or I wasn't happy.
Bored and depressed,
even feeling useless, at times.
Jumping from emotion to emotion.
A rabbit running through a field.
Here is how I gained a more positive outlook--
By lessening my expecations,
of what life is supposed to give me.
I found a new perspective.
Life is bound to be boring, sometimes.
Everyday like the next,
is not the worst thing ever.
To be living and breathing itself,
is enough excitement.
The world seems so gentle and kind,
with my lessened expectations.
Content, with the little things.
I don't expect more, but it will find me.
Maybe not everyday, but somedays.
And that is fine with me.

My man

My man is strong, he never gives up. He is always standing tall in my mind.
He protects me with a vengeance, I always feel safe with him.
He is my mighty bulwark, my strong wall-against which I lean.
You will never meet a man, like mine.

My man is handsome, gleaming gold-inside and out. He beams with light. His eyes are as blue as the bluest ocean-they wash with emotion when he is upset, and light my sky when he is happy.

I can't help but be in love with this man.
I don't know what I would do without my man.